in the morning
i decide to love myself
with the sun shining
in my face
as i wake up
cold sheeted
i get up
get dressed
move out and about
i preach love
i say love
i do love.

but at night,
my decision fades,
just like how the sun
sets every six thirty
in the evening
as usual.
see,
when it goes down
apparently i am down
too
i don't know how
things work but
i wish i could
somehow
i do not control
my feelings
or any emotion
given to me.
no, i am not a robot.
but i just can't when
i am lying to myself
everyday
that things would work out
with my family,
my friends,
him.

it is not
constant,
let me assure you that.
maybe it's just that
i come home everyday
thinking the world hates me.
and so i delete every post
or picture
to not seem "seeking"
maybe its how i am so
passionate about something
that i eager to show the world
but no one wants
to look at
and so, delete there is.
maybe it's just how
i am so used to everyone
talking about me
i forget about the people who matter ;
but then i do not either.
they do matter.
always have.

maybe it's just me.

- and my late night thoughts

here's to lonely days
here's to wiping tears away
here's to hoping it'll be better
here's to wondering if you'll ever come over
here's to late talks
and midnight [drunk] shots
here's to not knowing what's good
here's to falling in interlude
here's to seeing you with her
here's to envy, here's to fear
here's to waiting
here's to declining
here's to deleting all your texts
here's to undecided thoughts, forget
here's to moving on
here's to holding on
though it pains
and i feel like im in chains
oh well
here's to seeing myself, again.

you dont need make up to feel beautiful.
you dont need to wear frills and puffy dresses or skirts over length or high top blouses to be beautiful.
you dont have to always take care of your skin to feel beautiful.
you dont have to be feminine to be beautiful.
you don't have to be her to be beautiful.
be you.
be-you-tiful.

i wish i had
loved myself
earlier
the bumps on my skin
the lines on my thighs
my front teeth peeking out
my stomach, curved to it's imperfect perfection
my hour glass body
he'd tell me multiple times

i wasted my youth on
tears and fear
to be able to look at the rest
and feel inferior
i cried raindrops
i hoped i'd call pretty
but darling it's not ******* easy
i look in the mirror
and see shatters
of the pain in my shoulders
everytime i felt like i needed to cover
my ******* skin, it belongs to me
but why is it that i feel like im not free?

i don't wanna look at her anymore
her face, everyone adores
i am happy for her
she deserves it
but God, i just wished i looked like her a bit

i tear myself apart
every ******* time i put myself on a chart
on the lowest bar
that's where i am
i can't help it
i just always seem to compare

i wish i had
loved myself earlier
to avoid all that trouble
i've learnt now, somehow
her beauty doesn't define my struggle
i am all things wonderful in my own way
slowly, i'll believe it
even if it's just
for
a day.

so for that boy
i grew my hair out
tried to be prettier as he
complimented me
comparing other girls
and his past lovers
and the way i talk
the way i walk
he controlled
everything i said, everything i did
made sure his texts were replied
even if i was busy,
i'd lie
ensure he's fine
but if i am not
it's alright
don't wanna spill the cup full but
wasn't as happy as i should
would go rounds of fights
made sure we were fine by night
feelings kept, no harm done
could've change something
but there was none
i laid my kindness
too pure for his soul
he thinks of me often,
maybe just my body, or so
i wrote til he didnt care
would call me a depressed
but really, i guess it was fair
he took everything away
even me
and in this thing i called love
oh how blind i was
for a boy
who wouldn't give a single ****
about me.