my little fairy boy
sits at a marble table
he has a book to guide him
and help him overcome his disease
along with a notebook
filled with worries, passions, and dreams

my little fairy boy
is still wearing his pink dress
his sky blue hair
matches his eyes

everyday my little fairy boy grows stronger
instead of putting pills in his mouth, he draws my lips to his

and I know the high is much, much sweeter

my friends used to tell me
everything will be okay
things will get better
I promise

for the longest time
things got worse
my cuts got deeper
the drugs got harder

but today is a new day
it is my first day of college
and although I am scared
I know that everything will be okay

its raining in my heart
I sit and let the drops of you
drip drip drop down
into my soul
fill me with your sadness
show me your pain
I wanna feel alive
I'm so sorry baby
for everything

i look in the mirror
who is that?

who is god
*God?

you were
the most beautiful
red rose
i couldn't resist
picking you
and leaving
you to
die

everyday is the same
but
inside me a
rose is blooming

they whisper
whathappenswhenitdies?

they forgot that
dried petals
are beautiful as well

saturday
fairy boy comes home
but this time
he won't be seeing me

because there are things to be done
and people to be seen
and i am not one of them

i remember
the first time you slid your thumbs
down the waistband of my pants
and pulled them off

most boys who do this
have a grin on their face

but not you

your lips were pursed
and your brows furrowed
but your eyes were filled with love

and suddenly i knew what we had was real

I live on the surface now
But I used to swim down deep in the water
Where it’s always dark

I never think anymore
I just hum and buzz and click
tv static with the volume turned all the way up

I miss the dark
It gave me time to think
I had questions complexity and unrest
it is light at The surface and I can see the people
And I don’t even realize I’m becoming one of them
Much more quickly than I would’ve ever thought

I look at her
And I worry
I have always been a sorry replacement
I hope this time
Things are different

you were a beautiful night sky
I could stare into you for hours
I was down below
But I could feel some warmth
So I moved closer and closer
And closer
And I saw raging fires
Black holes of nothing
And you
A liar
Ever changing your story
Cruel and careless
I stared in wonder for many years
For how could something that beautiful be so empty up close
I touched you and you burned me to the bone
So I left
Back down to earth
To the dirt
Where I am planting a garden

The first flower has bloomed
and it looks nothing like you.

when you were younger i used to
watch your every move

once
i saw you lock yourself in the bathroom
when the doctor ordered you to stop running

they gave you crutches


when i reflect on my life

i see a similar story

when the principal told me
you can't run

i was lucky enough to have you and the whole family

this time things were a little more serious then shin splints

thank you for being my crutch

and thank you for pushing
my wheelchair

when i could no longer walk



i love you,
        Anna

we downed half the bottle of blue poison in my bathroom

uncontrollable laughter

so this is why people drink

blissful stupidity

I ran into an old acquaintance today
actually, they ran into me
Hadn’t seen them for year


they asked how you were
I said

she’s lovely

they laughed and leaned over to their friend
“She’s madly in love with her”

I laughed

I didn’t have the heart to tell them

She doesn’t love me like how I love her
and how I cry

oh how I cry

you were
my nicotine
I inhaled you
deep into my lungs
you filled me up
and I felt whole

but when I exhaled
you left me
all alone
I'm sorry
but I couldn't hold my breath forever

my socks are thin, glittery, and
pink
i love them because
they look like your
cheeks
and hopefully
they will soon
resemble your
hair
as well

my hair is ******* blue
And PlaStic
just like my ******* heart

there are a thousand billion stars in the sky tonight
but the only one I see is you

you again
never thought i'd hear
that laugh
i hate you
but
i dont
you again
come **** up my life
lock me up
leave me to bleed
you know ill still be here

i don't know what i want

he says

i'm not well enough for a relationship

he says

but when his hand is down my pants suddenly he knows exactly what he wants

do you want to waste some time
she asked

in a snow-white palm she held out
five pink pills

i smiled

I stand and see
The time go by around me
It laughs until it cries
Never ending itself it
Spirals round and round
it blurs
Yellow pills go
Round and Round
someday I will run all the way to the top
Of the staircase
Fall like Alice did
See it all again
wonderland ?

I lit the cables and I said goodbye
Woke up to the flames so hot the paint melted off my windowsill
I told you some but not never nearly enough
Of what you did to me
And how I loved you, my liar so
Oh how I ached and it ended in flames
And it ended in no real apology
And I’m grateful for that (if you know what I mean)
And it ended in silence
I poured water on the flames and
Those blue eyes , they’ll drown you one day.
When I hear the news
I do not  believe I will cry.

i asked him to hold the lighter

i n h a l e
exhale

i coughed until I puked

it was another day

At the stop light I sat sitting and my heart saw
A man with a baseball cap
The farmer’s kind Walking
with a woman in a black dress
Holding hands
And I went
Oh
And then
The echos fights and **** ups
Sadness

a little girl
Emerged from behind mom
I knew it was true

They started to run hand in hand when the light started to blink down the seconds

I was the only car there
safe tonight

there is a place
where lost hearts
can go
songs are sung
and we reminisce
the highs and the lows

there was a time
when my heart lived there
the sun never shined
and I never cared

when I found your eyes
I knew that we were saved
and after some time,
my heart left the cave

Photo printed of geese and children
Framed in an aged brown and sat upon a shelf
***** with time and passed by
Finally
Picked up by a brown haired girl
Taken home to be hung on the wall
Home again

I have decided there are 2

she never loved me like I thought she did
she always loved me but could not forgive me

I’m not sure which one of those hurts more

in my backyard there is an old red chicken coop
the doors swing sluggishly and the hinges groan in the wind
inside, two homemade nesting boxes sit crudely  nailed to the wall
only the roost stands tall and proud, like the generations of roosters who stood on it in the days of my youth

I lay in bed and think about you
the highs the lows the blues
and I guess you just can't see
there's an ache in my chest where you used to be

I tried to **** myself when I was 16
maybe 15 too, I really can’t remember
It’s like I knew what was coming
The calm before the ******* hell
The hands the mouths penises
The pills the **** the open wounds on my leg
The open wound in my chest
Ripcage open, blood flesh bone
Screaming
I heard it
I knew it was only a matter of time but
Why why why why WHY
was I too ******* scared
Too ******* scared of god and his little places and his little enemies friends or whatever
What did god ever do for me anyways?
He watched from afar
And if he was close
That’s even ******* worse .

hello friend
I am here to tell you
this is the sign you were looking for
I love you even if he doesn't
and I want you to know
everything will be okay eventually
please keep going
you got this

running in circles

in this

purple sky sunset

she's the only one

to bring me out of the blue

feel the air getting thin

flies on my open eyes

same old songs

new cracks in the foundation

the whole family's in the living room

watching static on the tv

it's this snow globe I live in

shake up my world

it'll all come back to me eventually

Blue eyes
And sadness
Go hand in hand
She tells herself
No one will love
No one will stay
No one will ask if she’s okay
And the truth is
She isn’t
She views the world upside down
Where everyone walks above her
No one can see the cuts and the broken heart
And she drags herself down down down
Even though I’m right here
I can see the blood and the tears
But she never looks up anymore
So she never sees me watching

you were in my dream last night
I think it was the little girl I saw yesterday,
she had your eyes

there is a deep dark sadness
Inside of me

It is woven through my nerves
Flowing through my veins
Pulsing pounding blood in my heart

It never leaves
And I don’t think
I could live
Without it

As a child I practiced escapism.
Always pretending to be a different person in a different time
I grew up into an addict
Who continued the escapism
Pretending to not exist

I am better now in that regard
But I look back now and wonder who I was
And there really is no answer

Some people see the world as something they can earn
But I see a small house with animals and people I love.
I don’t know, I guess I have to earn that too

my mind is a sick old man
he vomits evil thoughts
yourparentshateyou

and pumps malice like blood through my veins
slityourwrists
Itswhatyoudeserve

he whispers my dirtiest sins into my ears
as if I had forgotten them
youreadrugaddict

when I try to sleep
he reminds me that I am a filthy *****
doyourealizehowsluttyyouare
thinkaboutalltheguysyouvefucked­
youregoingtohell

He snickers at my doubts
hedoesntloveyoustupidbitchyourejustsomethingtofuck

but everyday he grows older and more frail
and one of these days, death will come to him
and I will finally be free

time goes by like
water flowing over my skin
unstoppable, translucent
and all at once
no beginning or end for
the clouds of
laughter and tears
you can't hold it still
it escapes even
the bell jar
forever running yet
never will you see it
rush by your eyes
i know now
never trust a clock
or a soul

why does my body ache when I lay down after walking up the stairs

why am I still laying in bed? It's 12:23

why can't I hold eye contact with my mom, she is so kind

i am trying
to feel alive
but it is hard to get out of bed
my hair is getting greasy
and my stomach is growling

youneedtosleep

it whispers
I cannot help but agree

you can do it! says my mom

you need to stop! says my brain

you have to take me! says my pills

behind my friends bathroom mirror
is a helping hand

A blue pill a white pill in two orange bottles

whisper

“we will help
we will bring you closer to

the clouds

let us shut your eyelids
forever

you don’t have to wakeup anymore”


how do I say no to bliss?
let me decompose


I’m ready to be with the stars

so many people moving around
Some are going somewhere, other places
Others stumble into the wrong alleys or fall into holes in the cement
Lots walk in the direction of the arrows
I don’t know what is the right way to go
We all fall asleep
I lose myself in the faces
Are they all me or do I matter in my drop of ocean
I can’t ever see past the horizon
And my eyes are weak to begin with
So many joys but children die every day
I do not find comfort in much

Seeping into hot water
I bleed out colors I never
Could put a name to
Pour in the sugar and milk
Cloud the clarity
Of what you’d really see
At the bottom of your tea
Drink me, please

Tell me I taste
Like chamomile

Seeing colors within the blackness
I wish it all to fade
The fire that covered my world in ash
Was black on my pink sweater and grey
Under my nails
And i wish the fire was in me
And not in my apartment
Where I had buried so very much
And hidden what truly mattered
And I wish the fire was in me , and I wish it was extinguished
Shut off the lights
Please it hurts my eyes

falling,
But slowly
Kindly
I see the faces I have loved
And lost

I hit the water
Slip soundly beneath
The old bridge
And the seaweed
Sings me a sad song

running and reaching and leaving
Behind

time dissolves on my tongue
bitter, the sweet will come later,
Darling.
How I ache and oh the surprise!
In the mirror
to see I have not yet
Rotted; Visibly.
short grey hairs whisper
hurry hurry hurry
hurry hurrY hurRY
hurrY hurRY huRRY
hurRY huRRY hURRY
huRRY hURRY HURRY
hURRY HURRY HURRY
HURRY HURRY HURRY