Bang
In an instant it is all erased
every word
every fallacy
every memory
Gone...

At night I barely dream
because reality had invaded my perception
Dreams skewed by happiness and revolting angst
nobody is who they are
or who they say they will be
it is all in colour
but fuzzed out like my old television screen
the static energy
cut and paste faces
old foreign postcards
What the **** does this all mean?
Am I living the dream and reality is my sleep
or is this all just a big misunderstanding

Hold on, I think I hear my alarm clock beep..

Oh simplicity how you reach out to my closed arms
  in fear of how simple it may be to be happy
  Without worldly posessions in grasps of their needy hands
I've never felt so at peace as the trade winds sweep my hair on delicate sunsets of May
  where red wine makes me lush but aware...
  of the magnificence of this moment,  here,  now.
The geese migrate, I seperate from the man made sounds of the city
  although the connect the dots of street lights seem to guide me
The shifting landscape
  the shifted skew of my life
  five years ago I wouldn't have guessed this far
The time is so simple, slow-moving, sweet
   I can almost feel the heart beat of excitement
  or the beat within my youthful feet.
The railroad still gleams at dusk
  as does the lake shine
  as does the hidden blackbirds and blossoms of springtime.
I now spend here alone as I did when I was young
  troubled, I would run.... to the same spot
  and watch the same sun as it shone
  day became night
  the stars endless candle light
Now I'd ponder for hours
  leave here smittin
  relieved by the gift of life

I often forgot how precious simplicity is as I rush through the day...
But why can't we just lay back in silence
wallow in what is...
ponder like a little child of what may be out in the universe

I lay here now,  alone
Spell bound by what I see
an array of colourful hues and natures generosity
I wish you were here with me

Smoke plumes heave as I exhale through these lungs
This place of mine, timeless
memories still live here
I've come to remember all I have known
and the simplicity of happiness still flourishes here
just got to stop and wallow...

I used to stare at the night sky
wondering if the one person I'll forever love
would be watching the same star...
Now I stare at the stars knowing the one I love is out there
and each star keeps me company in his absence...
Love is everywhere
you just got to be ready to open your heart
Happiness is there
you just got to forget about everything and see it

It is hard to fathom the thoughts of a nineteen year old.
It is hard to consider which outside factors have effected your past, which influenced the present,
which inturn influences your future.
Every single moment spent somehow turns into a mascarade,
another page in your story.
The scale in which your past can influence a single moment of now is ridiculous.
No matter how hard you try to convince yourself that it doesn't or it won't... is a lie.
The past is what made you who you are right now, in this moment today.
Although it does not mean that you can't change in the future and it doesn't mean you can't break the happen of running in circles.
It all really doesn't matter.
I mean running from a past that you want to erase will only erase the future.
When reality is a dizzy dream like state and it is injected with pure abuse your bound to break.
When you bottle up your thoughts and feelings,
and hold back those question.
Your holding back on moving forward.
If we only have this moment then why are so driven in circles by whats to be 10 years from now,
or what happened within the 10 years past.
It is all insignificant.
We can plan ahead, we can make the steps forward from yesterday, wallow within now
and ponder the possibilities of tomorrow.
What is positive now may be negative later on.
The thing is we never know what is to come of us, the people we love, the people we meet.
The only thing certain is that we all live and die.
I guess really all I am trying to say is, love without regret, live now.
The past consumes souls because we allow it too.
Withdraw from the addiction.
Surround yourself with those who make you happy now.
Don't worry about tomorrow because this moment is all you have and all you ever have.
Cause 2 minutes ago is history, and this single second is all we have.
Withdraw from your ego, forgive those who done you wrong, and continue to embrace this single moment and carry on.

these nights seem to get longer
the days are counting down but I still don't know
what time, where or when
it hasn't even been a week but I miss the simple things
your smile in the morning
talking over a cup of tea
Because of you I love red lights
and walks at 3 am
I love dancing to no music in the snow
to show me how vulnerable I am
my corny jokes and cherry colts
watching stars all in a daze
driving through a small town maze
                 four months isn't long right?
I won't forget you love.

Sometimes home doesn't feel like home at all
The hate you harbour,
the words that pour from your mouths.
Moments of bliss are a disguise
I look in the mirror
I am not foreign to the pain in these eyes.
In time they say, things will change
I wish everything would wash away with the rain

I run from everything you are
I hide from the scars
I try to forgive and forget
but when the memories are reality now it is hard

It is a routine these child like schemes
I am tired as you must be too
Home no longer feels welcome
I wish it would be
Everytime I come back
I regret the decision
Everytime I come back
I hope things have changed
But when you have been living this way for so long
what can I say....
Oh what I would give to hear you say...
I am happy.

Melancholy youth
Led by lucid dreams
          Strangers stare
          A fair hair woman with her shifted eyes
          Astranged from society within her own boundries
Foundations and disconnected communication,
humans are brutal yet innocently beautiful beings.
Contructed on intentions,
broken apart by actions.
          We wallow in this gene pool of superiority
           but what are we superior to?
Us weak beings, small on a scale of things
Standing tall on fear
Hustling each other for gain
Gain of what?
           When you die what will matter?
           Will it be the money you gained, the riches and fame
           Will the material that covers your rotting flesh give you comfort in death
Lucid dreams haunt my youth,
A predetermined future I fear
For when I die and lay to rest
It won't matter how much material I gained or wealth and success
All what matters is that I lived, loved and lost and tried my best

Don't cry tears of shame,
you'll never be what they dreamed of
you'll never be the label they portray you as
you'll never meet their expectations

I know your tired of being on stage
under the spotlight
drowning in fits of rage
back and forth, you caged animal
you'll never go far they said
we will see you in 10 years
homeless, helpless, a nowhere dread on society

But why must everyone lie to me
tell me it is now or never to choose tomorrow
why focus on something i can not yet grasp
why try to see through a fogged mask of what might be

My visions go on forever, as far as the eye can see
my words flow endless on and on like the waves of the Baltic sea
unrelenting, yet  sometimes calm, dark yet light
it is all a ******* mystery

Eyes wide open but mind is still foggy
the world is in carnage yet it still spins and twirls
sometime I wonder what is everyone after
what do they live for?

Why focus on me when you can focus on you
why judge my direction when you are lost too
why cloud my perception with what I could be
why just not let me be me
why don't you just worry about you and I will worry about me
I am still wrapped up in youthful folly
driven by what ifs and maybes
Still trying to peel off the skin you made for me

We lay tangled up in sheets
your eyes golden brown
the sun shine through this fogged window
were in the moment, in the now
finger tips meet
chapped lips to greet every morning
we lay in youthful folly
our future still a mystery
our past left at the door
you are all I will ever need and more
you saved me, I saved you
I just want to waste this sunday morning
laying in bed holding you
telling you
that your all I need and more
I love you dear
and I will miss you when you walk out that door.

Time traveller,
hopeful wanderer,
the map is etched in your palm.
The dirt beneath your finger nails,
the grit between your teeth,
the snow that blows through your open window
don't wallow in defeat.

Reside in the home of your dreams
chase a thought and see where it leads.
The second has past, no longer stand still,
the world keeps spinning, the clock keeps ticking
and then there is you....
still pondering.

There is beauty in the most troubled souls
there is life in the sky above
the roots of growth beneath our feet
the today that lays at the end of the paths we meet
the meaning we suckle from every defeat
the hope that lingers in the air we breathe
the love that is held within every being we greet
here is to the moment we have yet to share
to the invisable strings that bring us closer together
here I lay shifted as the clouds that crumble above our heads
memories that are infused with every coffee I drink
thoughts that guide every dance I make
the flaws deep within my soul or upon the flesh that covers my bones
defines the fact that I am human
a person with a past, future, and a now

There is beauty in the most troubled souls
there is life in the sky above
the roots of growth beneath our feet
the today that lays at the end of the paths we meet
the meaning we suckle from every defeat
the hope that lingers in the air we breathe
the love that is held within every being we greet
here is to the moment we have yet to share
to the invisable strings that bring us closer together
here I lay shifted as the clouds that crumble above our heads
memories that are infused with every coffee I drink
thoughts that guide every dance I make
the flaws deep within my soul or upon the flesh that covers my bones
defines the fact that I am human
a person with a past, future, and a now

Hello creator,
my mother, my father,
what have you gave me, asked this  lonesome daughter.
You provided me foundation in which to stand,
mother you taught me morals in which I do not believe,
the pain I wallowed, the grief I seeked.

Do you remember when I would wander,
these streets of this town, the things i'd ponder.
Do you remember when I layed sleepless at night,
trying to forgive and forget the fight.
I do not blame for it is all that you've known,
but the burden is so deep, you and dad look as cold as stone.

I remember when I sought for love,
it was at the bottom of a bottle,
hidden in the smoke of a cigarette,
it was interwined with regret,
and it was burning out, golden red.

Oh mother, oh father I do not blame,
I forgive, I forget,
the orgin of this pain.
For years I'd lay sleepless, for years i'd wander inside this horror,
I know you never knew you hurt me,
but the pain you bleed seeps into my core.

How do we know what is real and what is fake,
how do we know if you're in a dream or if you're awake.
Everything in existance is gauged by numbers...
the distance in which we've travelled,
a date of birth,
how old we are,
the amount of minutes we've breathed,
the number of times we've wished upon a shooting star.
We ponder on many levels
We live in different dimensions
different time zones, a number of directions.
We are all disconnected yet connected in some way.

Here we are,
in an on going time lapse
a metamorphis of numbers
gauging our existance
yet again it is the human persistance
to label, to categorize
to put a meaning to everything that lays in front of our eyes
but why don't we just drift...