She doesn't know
She's playing with a loaded gun
She thinks that its a game
She has her finger on the trigger
Would you hear me, my love?
Understand that its way bigger
She doesn't see a consequence
Not the first shot, or ever since

Still I'm the one that's loaded
I'm the one that feels it
When she turns it on herself
I'm the one who dies

I'm the one who cant walk away from this pain
I'm the one who can't seem to say
I carve my name
Before I forget everything

Maria would you tell me that you love me,
I do not need anything except for that,
Maria, maybe if you loved me, you could,
Let go all those other thoughts you have

My favorite volcano
Untameable destructive force
Beautiful
And through the land
I feel the tremors
Eruption
I know it comes again
The same way as before
Devastation
Waiting in molten lava flows
And violent outburst of debris
Eructation
My favorite volcano
Cinder awaiting a spark
I'm ready to marry the fire

Do the math
Math is the one language
In the universe
That doesn't have a way to lie

We are men
We force statistics
We misuse numbers
We lie about the math
Knowing no one else will take the time
To solve equations

Just do the math
The answers you will find
Were always in your heart
And in your mind

The stars they just don't shine the same
All my love and all my shame
All the color is less vibrant
Only frozen hues of greys and blues

And I stay strong as the mountain rapids
Carving my own way
Feeling all the opposition
The easiest path is water falls

But this song doesn't give me goosebumps
Not like it used to
I rush to change the radio station
Whenever it comes on

And the birds don't fly as high
And they don't sing as sweetly
And their feathers aren't as bright
And the nest feels all but empty

Or maybe I'm just lonely

I couldnt charm the snake
I break my own hands
I promise I'll think about you
This ship is going down
The last time I bled
Never made peace
I know a way to change the world
Doesn't even matter without bullets

Sometimes there's a secret meaning
Sometimes there's a hidden meaning
Sometimes there's a deeper meaning
Sometimes there just is no meaning
So I'm wasting all my time
Looking when I'll never find

I'll say a word
I'll pen a thought
In the most abstact manner
About sharks in the ocean
Some hammerheads
Smelling blood
And no matter my intentions
You'll find your own meaning
And it will mean something to you

But I'll intone
I'll sing a song
In my plainest language
My purest intention
I love you
I always will
And I'll be alone
Because thats what makes you happy
Yet you'll find no meaning in that

Plants grow even in the desert
And I'll turn on the radio
And hear a song
We used to call our own

How can I forget?
Only by remembering that it was a song of sorrow
I'll forget
Because you want me too

And all my love is meaningless

With very few words
Too much is said
I watch like an eagle
Fly over your head
Disillusionment is a beginning

But not a very good one

Hope
Was such a meaningful device

You can go inside a door in your own mind,
which takes you to the singular consciousness
that we all draw from,
the universal truths inside yourself
hidden in the deepest parts of space

All the answers past present and future can be found
Just be careful!
when you go inside this door,
if you stay too long,
it will shut behind you,

and you'll **** yourself with your own mind.

Am I strong?
I haven't been
But I always learn from my mistakes
Sometimes that is all it takes
To be what you want to be
To who you want to be it for

(The superior man finds the people
As a chariot to carry him home
The small men by their course
Overthrow their own dwellings)
The great fruit has not been eaten

{Meaning it can become sustenance
For the people
Seeds for the future
Or that it can rot
And become nothing at all}

I was meant to
Be the shade under the medlar tree
In whatever damp sweltering heat
I was meant to
And I should be
The bough of a medlar
My wondrous leaves beautiful to behold
I was meant to
And I only want
To be the medlar fruit
The most delicious reward
No one has ever heard of
I was meant to

That there is enlightenment in ancient wisdom
That pervades as memory
There is a lesson always learned
In loss

I was meant to
Protect you
Be the seed of ancient memory
Bring you the symbolic beauty
That means more than a world to you
That you never have to suffer again
I was meant to
Love you

But my roots weren't deep enough
I was meant to be a medlar tree
But sadly as the rainy day
I am only me
Just a soul with no place to call my home
And nothing to call my own

And it never could be enough

You act surprised
At my memory
That I remember
All the little, insignificant things you say

Well I remember everything
Going all the way back
To when we first met
I remember you loved me

And I'll remember this

I hate when the world is ending
This way
Water drowns me out, my smile
I would sing my heart
If I spoke at all
But I'll never reach the edge
Like i want to
No, I dont want to feel pain
This way
Fire has it made, my smile
I would bleed my soul
If i knew at all
But I'll never see the sun
Like I want to
No, I don't want to feel pain

I dream we can do much more
This way
The man in the mirror, my smile
Stupid man in the mirror
If I looked at all
But I'll never know truth
Like I want to
No I don't want to feel pain
This way
Empty streets, empty world, my smile
Scarred skin of pleasure
If I felt at all
But I'll never feel peace
Like I want to
No, I don't want to feel pain

Life is one
Big
Huge
Gigantic
Humongous
                      .....
Diverse
Fantastically perverse metaphor

For what happens after you die

So make sure to be happy while you have a choice in the matter

Only the sickness growing
Do we see it now?
On the surface of the moon
In the depths of the sea
How fall so quickly comes to winters gloom
Its only death
On the tongue
Of the people
Speak it now
                           Forever hold your breath

Its only sickness growing
Do we fear it now?
In our cars on the road
And our planes in the sky
How we'll never really get to where we are going
Its only death
Only life
Only hate
Metastasize

Only sickness growing
Do we feel it now?
In our ever aging bones
As a poison in our blood
How our hearts will always fail our living dream
Its only death
On the tongue
Of the people
Speak it now
                          Forever hold your breath

The roots don’t grow from the trees
They have no
Roots
And we
Are
Saying what we will make them be
But even the words don't matter
Its always tossed
                                              up in the      wind
We watch it float up higher until its
Gone

Paid actors on a stage
Animals rampaging both directions
Different colored animals
And the sound of a songbird can’t last long
Inside such anger

And I can’t free myself
Inside such pain

Mind is like a rampaging bull,
Angry, full of motion
I jump from thought to thought
And it keeps me awake at night,
One thought building another
Becoming something
A whole city in my mind
Full of fear and ambulances

Mind like an angels song
Peaceful as emotion
I jump from star to star
As it helps me dream at night
One hope building another
Becoming something
A whole metroplex of reason
Full of love and china dolls

how am I to hold together
   as even the world around falls apart?
I only know i go through this time and this space
the same way these arrows pass through me
ripping at the heighth and the width
the symbols of being
the dimensions I feel

each tear a new loss
and each loss
a new pain

teach me that there is a goal
and I will forge bull-headed forward
never second thought
I stumble rusty headed to the night
I am the face of determination in spite of detriment  
I am the body full of scars and broken bones
this time I will not falter
and if I fall
I will not fail

how am I to hold together?
   I dont rightly know
so long as every door is locked
and every mind is locked
when every move is loss
and even me being in the center
leaves me too far gone

im sure there is that kind of hope out there
the kind of hope that would see light
even in this darkness

I tell myself...
A million flashing screens,
And ringing phones,
And broadcasts signals,
I..
Check your local news,
The media cycles,
The endless coverage,
I tell myself....
I...
Fear **** on the front page,
Voices from all devices,
Talking heads.
I tell....
And ur local programming
....Programming
                        Mind control,
I tell myself..
But really.... do I?
Is any thought my own,
And dreams or indecision
My destiny....

Is it just what people I've never met have made for me?

Mind full blast
Afterburners on rocket ships
Astronauts in space
Heading to the stars
Only to reach
And be pulled in
To a glorious demise

Mindful blast
I explode irradiating energy
And I don't want you too close to me
Because corrupted minds
Are contagious
And its a disease
Eating slowly

Mine, fool, blast
Don't become, just be
And don't be like me
A slowly rotting heart
Who lives through art
Most glorious
Most unnoticed

Somewhere there is ceremony
Celebration
People coming together
To attain a common goal

I'm only missing you

Somewhere there is nature
A crane calling
To its young and saying
"I have spirits, to share with you"

I'm only missing you

Somewhere a decayed willow
Producing new shoots
An old man takes possession
Of his young wife

I'm only missing you

Noone who ever made a mistake
Thought they were making a mistake

Now the sky is clouds of poison
I follow the trails and find a source
Why do we feel so bad?
Its the air we breath

Now the food doesn't nourish
Modified to fill you up
Stay fresh and ****
Its the chemicals

And if it wasn't blood in the water
Its sugary soda
Eating away
From the inside

I always hear
You never listen
And this life is just an illusion
This life is just a dream
Everybody's sleeping
And I would die to wake up

Someday you will die and something some how's going to steal your carbon

In a sand box
In a paradox
An egocentric predicament
When matter matters not
All I am is thought
And feelings

Some day you will die and someone's or something's will steal your carbon

So I turn on the radio
And turn it up
And let the music speak to me
Its just a band
No one understands
When I do

Some day something will die and
Somehow you'll figure out how
Often you will die somehow and
Something going to steal your carbon

I become another place
Some other place
Where the only music playing
Is that of angels in heaven
And I move deeper
Deeper inside the earth
I dig and scrape and tear apart
I make my way for the heart

Where the blood flows
The heart beat makes its move
And no longer in my chest
Its the only feeling I give to you
            Its the every feeling I get from you

I know everything
You ever were
Has been will be
And you know me

We become

There's a monster
Living inside of me
The dread of the feeling
The moment
And anytime at all
I can't control
The horror of shadows
In my soul

Only at the worse time
The words come out all wrong
What's really standing in the way
Of what I really need to say

A monster
That is a part of me

Dissipated dissolution
March of many colors
Turn it down to you
To blue
I hate to watch you walk away
To black
As though that's all that I can do

Demurred
Devolution
The cranes swing wide
The tillers in the field
Cut down the stocks
Separate all wheat
From chaff

Month of many colors
Red for all the blood I bleed
My fingers reaching still
And white
And how my eyes just open
And blue
Form the iris growing slowly

Dissonant
Delicate
The color is only empty
As far as I can see
All revolution
And the falling of the sun
The night

And now
For truth
It's not a game we play
It's not a virus, not a plague
It's healing and understanding
And it is love

And now
For peace
I'm tired of bullets
Im weary of falling bombs
It's diplomacy and trust
And it is love

And now
For something
Completely different
I'll train a cat to use a toilet
Using only silly putty and onion rings
And it is love

Indicated by the moon
The way it rises
While its waning
Climbing a ladder to the height of the night
And looking back
At the ocean he loves

The moon forever dances with the ocean
The push and the pull
The tides follow suit
As moving feet from mystic memory
Some eternal truth
Some kind of love

The night is a time of beauty
When the blanket is the sky above
And the stars are there for us
To watch and guide us
On, along, to guide us home
They watch forever dance
And sing as spheres of song

If you listen you can hear
In our revelry the stars are smiling
As their hands of softest light
Lay the moon into the morning
And show us all
A better way to fall

The moon will sleep in peace inside the ocean

I think my eyes have been closed
Too close
And far too long
I haven't seen the sun rise
I've forgot the morning
And in this midnight
I'm losing count
There is no way
There is not now or there could never be
Nor would there ever be
No how
Nothing
I would ask for peace
Or plead for love
But all I really need
Is just the hope
I can stay warm
Until the morning comes

Pale horse
From dusk til dawn ridden
Not reading constellations
Stars from our eyes
How many moons?
but still riding on
From dusk til dawn
Destination unknown
Under the black reaching night
No one tells us to sleep
There is no end
Only the miracle
The sun will rise
Stars from our eyes
How many moons?
My empty hands are growling hounds
From dusk til dawn

Our hands
Cities and instruments
Blackboards
Sidewalks
Gardens where flowers grow
And I know if I can make it now
Highways and silver mines
Dawn comes
Bird song
And I look to the west
The miracle of morning

Our hands
Sun up to sun down
The harvest in the fields
The glory in our labor
The consecrated charge
The duty that is our land and our faith
Our hands
Held open to the sky
Competent and capable
To build
To protect as is our chore
To eat
We feast and we repent
Wake up to a new day
And celebrate our blessings

Maybe morphine
Is the thing I need
To **** the pain away
While it's killing me
Maybe *******
Maybe ketamine
Maybe roxycontin
A couple of thirties

Maybe heroine
Is not woman to save me
But a horse
I can ride to my own end

While I was busy chasing dragons
Wanting to reach the first high
Banging and shooting and doping and bruising
I forgot to see
I'm alive
I was born with all I need
And that dragon should be chasing me

Maybe it's love
Love for myself
And love for others
The godly love of sisters and brothers
Maybe it's just love
A smiling face
A funny joke
The realization that what it is,is what I make it be

Maybe it's just holding on to the better part of me

I had to learn to love not loving you
I had to see your words as daggers
And your hands as claws
Such terrifying talons
Will no longer hold me
No longer my deleterious womb
No more my injurious tomb
Not a darkened porcelain moon
A negligent progenitor
I elect I have no mater
She is dead to me
While she breathes

Step by step
This path goes up and down
Up and up ever higher
It leads to the tops of mountains
Sight by sight
I witness natures miracles
Dirt and leaves and flower pettles
Undergrowths of fern
  
Its not the destination
Its the journey
That leads me here again
I always find god in the mountains

Step by step
Its just a memory
It's been too long
The way the sun breaks through the clouds
And all the colors
A kaleidascope valley
The beauty of it all
I always find god in the mountains

Its the journey
Its not knowing what the next step brings
But always hoping
It leads me to myself

I always find god in the mountains

MTV make me want to die
Not because I'm depressed
But because it is a voice in the world
That speaks louder than mine

And there is no song by Beck
That can help me forget
We don't live in dreams
Only The Real World

How many times
Will I be the murderer?
The heartless, soulless
You thought you could trust this

Invite me in
Invite your doom
I am a friendly
Smile

I only want to hurt you
I only want to be happy
And I know my happiness
Is your demise

And I don't care
Never really did
Once I tried to
But it was all pretend

And no
I don't give a ****
I've got
My pistol
And your are out of luck
I've got
My hatred
Festering inside
All the times
I've been hurt
I'll hurt you more

How many times
Will you play victim
I take a life
I am god

Love me
When I can't love
My lust
Is homicide

I've got
A sickness
You play
With my weakness
I need
Nothing more
Than cold hearted revenge
I live in sin
I bring you in
Be a victim
To my disease

My fingers hold the strings
My weather beaten hands
My strong and caliced fingers
Hold the strings
And I can feel the vibration
The noise becoming decoration for the air

My mind knows all the words
I play the chords
Shimmering majors
Strum away
I can feel the vibration
And every action brings me music

To make this beautiful music
I had to develop callouses
So that you could feel what I feel
As I feel less and less
Doesn't mars shine red in the night?
I'm the night
Pluto becomes a broken heart
And from your abandonment an empty sunrise
To make this music
I had to love you
Forever
All the while knowing
You're love was just a short time
To sing this beautiful song
I had to strain my voice
So that you could hear all of me
As a melody
Stretched thin amongst the scales
As my soul pains to bring expression
And my throat grows  raw

Still maybe and all I ever hope for
This creation
This child of mine
Is something you hold close
To your breast
And even in your darkness
You see a light
Even in the silence
You sing along

I wonder how much would change
If we would take a moment to think?
To see from the other side
Not be led by selfish greed
I wonder
As a banquet is being served
To high faluting aristocrats
If they ever once considered
How I am starving?

I wonder

I feel it again
A seething, writhing
Burn me down
I see it again
In myself
And I'm afraid
Maybe dreams that help me live
Make me die

I punch the walls
That I'll become
Concrete walls
I'm not afraid of pain
I hurt myself
My emptiness
My busted knuckles

I am again
Leaving my imprint
In these walls I see
These walls again
As I have always been
Will always be
Residual memory
A movement with no feeling

I strike at walls
That trap me in
My hands broken and ******
I'm not afraid of pain
But I'm petrified
Of life like this
My busted knuckles

I'm afraid instead of becoming you
I'll turn into a wall

I only try to be
Not become
Change the way I need
Or the things I want
The best that I can be
Is free from expectations
My cup is empty
When the wine is being poured

Letting go is the hardest part
So I never really did
I just sleep whenever I can
Holding on makes a soul grow tired

Trade this water
For the wine
This honey for bitter poison
And hold on
to let go
Be what I can
If I never understand
And really then thats all I am
I let go
to hold on

Letting go
Is the hardest part
I never really could
But I know that I should
Its over

Its over

My cup is empty
And whatever flows
Comes and goes
And no one knows
Its so much

Its so much

These gilded wings
They lift you up so you may fly into my hands
That I may hold you
Your body all the colors of the universe
Your spirit is a keeper of dreams

Your vibrant colors
Underwater so long
So long a nymph
Waiting to burst forth in unfaltering glory

You eat the wind
That you traverse so gracefully into my heart
That I may love you
Your metamorphosis shows me how to change
Your life is my symbol of hope

I find you near the waters edge
The emotions you understand
Your eyes have seen everything
And my eyes see in you a light

Fly a little closer
Let me gaze upon your beauty
And I'll find a deeper meaning
You're all my sight

My dragonfly

My dystopia is a blue and gray painting
A blurry eyed vision of you losing your smile
A slurred and distorted visit to a promise broken
It's watching the wind defeat the ocean
My fears and worries so great
They weigh down my hope
And bring my dreams to an underground dispair
A seven knotted rope becoming a noose
My dystopia is knowing that you love me
A star-crossed heaven and funeral pyres
Its silence and darkness as a home
Its bitter ashes from a dead sun
A black hole that swallows
An empty earth we shared
Finally meeting the event horizon
Its our destruction
My dystopia is the thought you walk
Away and always as all I need
It's watching as you leave me
Forever

I close                                                    My
eyes
And in blind                                        Faith
Take another step

Right off a cliff

And as I'm falling
The crow                                             Is
                     calling
The way that I was hoping
Would only leave me                       Broken

Flowers and skin
There is something somehow
Some way to save me
Its always been
I would cover my ears with both hands
And look to the stars
I know they speak to me
I scream to break my silence

I would love to fall
Past the floorboards
The memories
Past the slaughter
Past the pain
I would fall to love

Guide is all I ask
Guide my faith

Lips and eyes
Words and sight
An empty street full of signs
Giving me direction
Come to life
Be my blood
I could be hopeless
And still hope for you

I'll know my faith's a life away

My world is flat
My faults are lines down contenintal divides
And I listen to the music

My hemisphere
Is mostly northern where I can see the stars
But not the galaxy

Still vibrations
From the metal strings that leave me calloused
Bring relief

My old friends
My angels on my shoulder
My fighting against a current
To reach an island

And all my lovers will be there

And I've been there
I've felt the same
And maybe I'm gifted with words
Blessed with feeling
A conduit between these spirits
And the spirit I know you are

And maybe
I'm just a dunce
Convinced I know so much
I never learn anything

Let it be that the sun creates too much light

                 "Half of what I say is meaningless
                       But I say it just to reach you"
                                    -John Lennon

And maybe what I really need to say
Has already been said
And I just want you to know
My favourite quote

Has been said before

Let it be that the sun creates too much light

My favorite season
Is the one I feel warmest in
100 degree days in July
Or when it snowing and I'm next to a fire
The first season
Was the one
I was asking
"Would you be there in the slaughter
Would you be there when I'm caught up
Being arrested by the mind cops"
But love springs eternally
And love is something you fall into
And love is the heat of summer
Love is the death in winter
My favorite season