she tells me she is unhappy
says that depression is getting harder to overcome and I want to tell her it gets better
but I know it won't help

she tells me she is unhappy
and I would give anything to be able to make her happy
But I know I can't
So I just say that I love her

Sometimes she is different
Sometimes she is not who I want to love but I do anyway and it hurts
it hurts the way hard liquor burns down your throat but you keep drinking to try and grow accustomed to her sting
But I've always been a lightweight
And there is no one around to cut me off

I thought I'd be good for her because I've dealt with depression before
But I've never had her depression before
There has never been a time I didn't have one foot in and one out the door
Sometimes you feel like loving her is a chore
But I have no choice

And one day, she won't be unhappy

and I absolutely
hate
the way my voice
shook
as if an earthquake suddenly
struck.
and I absolutely
hate
how I had to
pause
and swallow the
words
that wanted to
escape.
and I absolutely
hate
the way I looked
away
so you would not see the
pain
hidden in my
eyes.
and I absolutely
hate
how much I absolutely
hated
myself in that
moment.

I sit here against my screen, my words flowing like
the blood in my alcohol inflated veins,
My mind muddled, yet flowing, open, and at ease.
I sit here listening to voices, singing. And I miss you all.
I would like to say that it consumes me, that it occupies my every step. I would like to think that it would make me human.
But it is not that.
It is a dull aching in my stomach. That small nagging in my gut that reminds me that while I am not truly alone,
I sure as hell feel it.
My friends,
I would love to raise a glass, smile, and thank you all for everything, sitting here shirtless and tired in my desk chair.
But that would be talking to the two million pixels on my screen, and not you.
My friends,
You help me walk. You help me jump.
You let me fly.
My friends,
I've said this before, and
My friends,
I will say it a thousand more times, because I cannot say it enough, and
My friends,
I thank you.