Panic ridden mind stricken by this manic state of own biological rediscovery. Sickening self reinvention to endure retentive attention seeking habits. No longer recognizing myself or the difference between empathy and affection. I always wanted to be better for you rather than be better for me, and I ran that tank until it was on E. 'Cause when you decided to leave, when you failed to find reasons to stay and you finally went through with it, I became nothing. Redeeming qualities deemed ineffective and vanished with you. So, little demons crawled to me in my sleep and chewed small hollow holes from that hole that would once hold my soul and tainted it, forcing me to relive this cursed role.
I can't think of a reason why you should've stay, I just wish it didn't hurt so much. It was never about you being there for me, it was about you having the decency enough to tell me why you weren't, but, I guess I lost that, now, but it's okay, because these demons never leave my side and even worse, they've become my best friends. We're even on a first name basis. Their names are Apathy, Depression, Self Loathing, and Panic, and they are absolutely everything to me. Like any truly symbiotic relationship, we all need each other to survive, and I'm doing just fine, thank you.
Duplicating split personalities muiltiply until I can't even fathom the idea of feeling alone. Fractions of me split off and bolt for the corners and I feel like I'm stuck in a constant game of 52 pick up. Each time they're reglued, they're slightly less than they were. A conscientious objection to the dedication embedded deep withing lifes finest lies, why lie and say life's worth it? 'Cause sometimes I'm certain that this life is just worthless.
But isn't that the point to it all? To find meaning in the nothing? To make symphonies out of pure static, white noise? To sort through the distorted rumors and false claims and find real happiness? To smile in the rain, and frown in the sunshine! To turn left instead of right, to pick day instead of night. To make yourself alright. To breathe when our demons constrict our throats, and to hold our breath when we're excited. To live like we're at a party but we didn't get invited. To open your eyes in the dark and close them in the light. To breathe in life. To exhale strife. To brag about all our tragedies like "Look at me, look at what I've been through to bring you this message today! I'M ALIVE! I SURVIVED! I MADE IT! I'M HERE!"

I think a lot about calling out sick.
Not so much for a cold, or an upset stomach
Not even a broken bone, no
I wish I could call out sick and say
"Hey, boss, I'm sorry, I can't come in today
I'm hallucinating  that the foliating leaves
Are leaves burning our world to the ground
I can't go outside or I'll burn"
And then he'd say to me
"Yeah, Mikey, no problem, hopefully someone puts those fires out for ya"
And I'd close all my blinds and keep all my lights off and hide under my blanket
And it would be okay
Or maybe I'd call in and say
"There are toxic germs slithering and trying to slide their way into my pores"
To which he'd tell me "We've all been there, take care of that ****, man"
And I'd spend four hours racking up my hot water bill in a boiling hot shower
That feels more like if I'd gone outside and felt the burning leaves land on my body
Or maybe I'd say to him
"Every single nightmare and demon from my past is screaming in my head
So loudly that I cannot hear a single thing in this room,
I don't even hear myself speaking to you right now, sir"
To which, I have no idea what he'd have be cause I couldn't hear it
But realistically, I would lose my job so fast, that,
Much like in a cartoon, when they run and kick up a dust cloud behind them
You'd see nothing that was there before, just the smoke
But tell me, if so many people call out sick because they decided to drink their demons away
Why can't I call in sick because of my demons?
Why is a hangover a good enough reason to call out
But locking yourself away from any and all pill bottles or sharp objects
Because you're too depressed to roll over and kiss your girlfriend goodbye
Before she leaves for work not good enough?
Why are we afraid to talk about mental illness, but Ben Affleck's divorce is all over magazine covers?
Why do we try to cover up what is very clearly a very real problem in this country
No, instead we talk about Caitlyn Jenner
Instead, we talk about Jennifer Lawrence, and her leaked naked pictures
Instead, we have passionate debates about the color of a dress
But we can't admit that the voices in our heads, or the panic in our hearts, or the depression in our souls, or the spinning in our minds, or the screaming in our ears are real
The only thing worse than feeling all of this
Is being too ashamed or too afraind to talk about it
We bury it like it's any old newspaper
When we should treat it like our mortgage papers
Or our tax refunds
We must stop shaming, or this generation is gonna be dead before they even get a chance
Yeah, I think a lot about calling out sick
And saying "I apparently spent all night on the bathroom floor having a panic
Because I woke up here with no memory, and my head is spinning and my body aches
My hands can't move from the stiffness of slamming them into the floor all night
My eye is swollen shut from when I fell to the floor and smacked it off the sink"
And he'd tell me "Put some ice on that ****, Mikey. I'll see ya tomorrow."