what to do when you’re ugly but have good chemistry
1. think about all the good talks
2. find him in the crowd
3. watch him find you in a crowd and perhaps snicker
4. lick elbow to elbow (if he allows)
5. walk behind him hoping he’ll hear the carefully placed quiet footsteps you’ve laid out
6. smile dearly when you don’t completely hear him
7. love him even after a clear disappointment
8. stop searching for him
9. cry about it talk about it laugh about it
10. it’s you you are okay and you were okay even before
11. it’s okay for him to like you and not say and it’s okay for him to not like you and say
12. find out results (probs by day forty)
13. don’t **** yourself figuring it out

To have a body is so strange.
And to know each curve, and hate each one
hurts.
She doesn't love who I am.
It makes me so mad that I can't like the people I like because of the way I look.
If I looked at the stars with her I wouldn't really notice them because I'd be concentrating on the way my fat rolls over my skirt and how to be witty and hilarious but also pose in an attractive way.
I can't see in the dark and neither can you.
Maybe I need someone with night vision, someone unreal.
But this universe we’ve built where we know each other- past friends… will never again exist.

A simple beach bikini  And my life is over  They seem to see how my chest hangs over my stomach  And how my stomach hangs over my pants  Since I wear them to so low  Drinks! My friends eyes looked into by the dj  She’s so pretty isn’t she  Isn’t she Isn’t she ISN’T SHE  Swim down my neck for a chance at possible pleasure  Belief is a spectrum  I wish to someday not notice others  Damaging to an everyday ego if you happen to catch on  
Tap on the shoulder  Tap on the shoulder for a beautiful girl  Gracious turn and a glorious bite of the lip  I’m flawed  I should be pleased she can ****  Isn’t that much  Twenty years old  Birthday last week  Can’t claim a kiss  Can’t claim a touch  I should’ve come over  I should’ve come over  But you frightened me  WHY DID YOU FRIGHTEN ME  If I had gotten there and looked like this  Looked this way  Could the door be shut and the front light turned off  Chop off my ear and give it to my father  He only gets one  Drop off half my brain while you’re at it  Overhead  He’d be sickened by the gently anxious hopeful yet dehumanizing drunkly thought upon thoughts in the club  On top of my friend and the dj  
Sobs exiting the bottom of my bedroom door  “I just don’t have anything to wear”  Speciality suits me  Texas is where you’re from  Lovely boy who found his way into my locker  If he had known  I’d probably not care so much about that bikini  I never got my fathers nose  And yet  And yet  I wish for his hope.

I've always believed boys were best   I started counting first kisses   collecting them   I’d have enough tickets to buy a brand new stuffed giraffe at the arcade   I curled my face loosely over the toilet bowl   sobs of empathy and hurt attached themselves to scrambled eggs   I find it,,, I find it amusing that body keeps the score  
I remember the scent of my brother’s football jersey   how my mother washed it every night   I’m treated like a man   its this mad little crisis   I asked boy to borrow his jeans   he was mortified   why would he ever want to look like me   we never spoke about the jeans again   maybe we would have if I had to tie a little shoelace around the waistband  
I don't wish to be held and whispered to   I look inside him   speaking to the butler   I’ve never had that   this thing he spoke about without difficulty   was a matter so unfamiliar   I tumble in dreams trying to succeed in touch  
please touch me   touch me,,, if you want …   no one wakes up thinking of me   it may remain that way for a considerable time   I am not looking for a kiss   I’m looking to have what the others have   a hand held on the subway   Could that feel normal to me… ever… ever touch me I’ll cry maybe melt maybe crawl out   that I am no one to someone   I thought I was this special creation   your special creation   is there possible room for my belief   no ones washing my football jersey.

Your father written all over you  And I don't even know you yet  Let's participate in a high-speed chase to the swimming pool  And pretend my chest stayed in my triangle bikini  Washed yesterday!   I’m wearing a bikini  In front of a boy I've only touched the finger tips of
On accident   I could pose and POSE and pose   With every lick of a mollar  Through all my years of fiction  I've never gnawed on the open house   As I tap dance across the breakfast table   And eat ice cream from your hand   Which is totally absurd and completely senseless  
And somehow quite redundant  
I've had a dream about this
I've had a
And you're in your boxers  And I’m not spiteful I don’t look like you
I’d do again
Would you- ?
I’ll leave in 15

To the emotionally estranged,

I’ve never known what was good for me  All I’ve ever known was how to tie my shoes and binge eat captain crunch  You place your finger tips all over my stomach  Padding each piece of lymph  Do you ever want to curl like those little pillbugs?  It seems like I haven’t seen one of those since you watched me eat dirt, and grass, and I’ve perhaps tried a dandelion  But I don’t think you knew  I’ve tied your shoes before  My big tooth fell out on the driveway  We searched for a minute, maybe two  I tasted blood in my mouth for the first time  It was like the early smell of gasoline  I appreciated it  And I said so  I walked down the steps and turned the corner  Your eyes lit up to see the seven year old wearing tights, long socks, a dress underneath a sweater and a thrifted vest, as well as a lost fedora found in the attic  I pulled down the decrepit stairs and you heard the whine of bothered steps  yelling up the stairs “what are you doing”  Feathered Fedora shall be lost again  The school’s Saint Patricks leprechaun stole it  Or so you say to avoid the bi polar of it all  The hospital was a new thing for me  You took me, I sat silent in the passenger seat  We played the radio (we never played the radio)  I didn’t know if I should’ve apologized or something for having premarital ***  But I don’t think it would’ve bothered you too much  You’d be glad a boy liked me!  Well, he didn’t like me like that  I don’t know why he chose me that *****, ****** night  You bought me a sweater from Michaels afterwards, it said something like “I believe in unicorns and Santa”  It was on sale since it was January  I won’t let you hold me, and how it needles you  Wake  I sang at her wake  An Adele original  I did it for me  And you  But also me  Everyone’s tears dried by the time we reached the restaurant  I wonder how they fixed the smash in her head while eating eggplant parm  Mortisions are magical  Some crimes I’ll never forget  Asked why I don’t talk to him or text or call or like  We will sit in this diner and recline in the giant booth that’s too big for the fragility of your body  You pray for me  Stop praying for me  I take up much time  I don't have the right virtues for all that  Don’t overindulge in god  Track me home at two am  Make sure I’m safe  I’ll keep tying your shoes, at the graduation, at the barbeque, at the talent show  anywhere  I’d fly home to tie your shoes  if you asked me to  if you wanted me to  if you'd let me-

With a sort of deteriorating eternal love,
Angel