wren cole

wren cole May 2016

I had a dream about us last night.
We went to the movies and bickered about snacks,
It was almost like a normal day
Except we were on the bus instead of the backseat of my mom's car
And you could still look at me without disgust in your eyes.

Get out of my head, please.
It hurts too much.

wren cole May 2016

shattered optimism

I will tell myself not to trust you
As my heart silently takes your every word as a promise.
Every promise ever made to me
Has been broken
But I fall back to your arms
And still feel shock when I hit the floor and pain shoots through my body.
I will lock myself to you and give you the key,
Trusting you to treat me kindly
And you will cut off my hand instead of opening the lock.
I will cry as I make the same mistake with the next person who lets me show them my heart.
I will give a piece of myself to you and as I watch you with wide, trusting eyes
You will hold it in front of me and rip it apart,
Too many pieces to repair, leaving me less than the start.
A new soul comes along and tilts my head up by the chin,
Telling my not to cry through their fake-honest grin.
I will tell myself not to trust,
But I know my heart will take every word as a promise.
I will shatter as I hit the floor,
Giving away my pieces until there's no more.

I'm in a very odd situation where I'm naturally very trusting and loving of people but I'm often hurt for it and I still haven't repaired my walls so I just keep giving my heart to people who are not delicate with it

wren cole May 2016

cast me aside

last night when i held the razor to my throat
the voices that held my wrist, wouldn't let me pull across
were the voices of perfect strangers
and i felt the deafening silence of where yours could have been, my friends
and so when i see you say you have no friends
i will not rub circles in your tense back
like i always have done in the past
you cast me to the rocks without thinking
don't expect me to keep you afloat when you start sinking

wren cole May 2016

all in your head

Yes I've taken my pills but they cannot tame
The violent thoughts that rattle my brain
There is no cure for the pressing desire
To know the taste of the barrel of a gun and retire
Some of my ills are the chemical kind
But worse are the demons inside of my mind
And therapy has never worked for me,
I fear it never will
And that I will live out all my life
Insurmountably ill

wren cole May 2016

extract you

I thought I would, thought I could
Finally be free of you.
I know I can't, never could
Purge myself from the thought of you.
I
Just
Want
To
Go
One
Day
Without
YOUR
Blood
DRIP-DRIPPING
From
MY
VEINS

wren cole May 2016

October 7th

THIS DATE IN MY MIND SHOULD HAVE A JOYFUL ANXIOUS AIR TO IT
BUT SOMEWHERE ALONG THE WAY I SLIPPED AND ADDED YOU TO IT
DON'T YOU DARE PICK UP THAT PENCIL AND ACT LIKE YOU CARE THROUGH IT
WHERE ALONG THE WAY DID I ADD YOU TO IT?
DEVILED ANGEL HAZEL EYES SEEP INTO EVERY CRACK AND PORE OF MY MIND
AND I CAN'T HELP BUT FEEL LIKE
THE DAY I TURN TWENTY -FIVE
I'LL STILL WONDER IF OCTOBER 7TH MAKES YOU SAD
AND IF YOU REMEMBER YOUR OLD FRIEND WILL YOU SIGH FOND OR WILL YOU WRITE MAD
I HOPE YOU NEVER PUBLISH A PIECE OF POETRY
WITH OCTOBER 7TH THE DATE OF ARTISTRY

(february feels gray and heavy when i think of how far from each other we've run away)

wren cole May 2016

Strobe Light!

.RED.
Passion, obsession shooting through me, consuming me when I didn't see it coming,
Please be patient while I can't shut up for the next week about the music I listened to or the book that I read.
.WHITE.
You see my eyes go blank as I'm chirping to you and then it's
Quiet, too quiet in this small, dark room.
Cold novacaine floods my veins in a single heartbeat,
Novacaine fills my brain in a single heartbeat so I am
Teetering, tottering on the edge of die or live
Because if I can't feel, can't love, can't give
Then what's the point of it?
.BLUE.
It usually comes after and it always hits me faster than my mind,
Don't have the time to straighten out my thoughts and make things right before I'm
DROWNing
SUFFOcate
NO TIME to DELIBERATE
If this is really worth this feeling, I hit the ceiling, I'm reeling
SHUT IT DOWN
.BLACK.
Now it's darker than the night
No red left in me tonight, I've given up the fight
I'm so tired I can't see
I know we'll play this track again tomorrow but now all I have energy for is sleep.

a cycle I go through most nights + practice with head rhythm

#disorder #personality #mood #mania #bpd #manic #depressive #episodes