i've forgotten what your voice sounds like
or even the way your mouth carried the words
how each vowel rolled off your tongue
or how each consonant broke against your teeth
the memories are there; the conversations
the lighthearted ones in the beginning
and the hurtful ones towards the end
the words float in my mind like drifting snowflakes
the time you first said you loved me
to the second you decided it was over
and every delicate flake in between
i can remember the words themselves; the script of our love story
how each word either set my nerves on fire or snuffed me out cold
but the sounds elude me…
forever lost in falling snow

i wanted a fireball of love
an explosion of burning passion
that hit me in the chest unexpectedly
but instead, i found a slow burn
hot embers on a bonfire
and calloused hot coals beneath my feet

i wanted a torrent of love
a monumental deluge of longing
that drowned me far within the deep end
but instead, i found a summer misting
dewdrops on verdant leaves
and tears running down my cheeks

we kissed in a midsummer rain
as fireworks boomed in the background
you tasted ****
like the hard candy
melting in the pocket of your jeans
the lights twinkled in the sky
and shimmered in your eyes
as a million tiny explosions
took me by surprise

i wish i had loved you better
told you that your hair looked nice
hugged you when you cried
or laughed when your punchlines really stuck

i wish i had loved you better
that i didn’t hurt you out of anger
make you feel less than you were worth
or put you down every chance i got

i wish i had loved you better
read those books you always wanted me to
danced to the songs you played on the stereo
or bought that dress you really wanted to wear

i wish i had loved you better
that i didn’t call your writing silly
delete the words you spent so much time putting together
or convince you that it would amount to nothing

i wish i had loved you better
took compliments about you in stride
begun more conversations with strangers
or looked in the mirror more often

i wish i had loved you better
that i didn’t scar your body with your own hands
starve you and make you cry at the scale
or keep you up at night about your past mistakes

i wish i had loved you better.

I remember a few months back
You telling me about the time
Where you were knocked unconscious
How there was nothing but black
And a sharp stillness that you’ll never forget
I remember how much it frightened me
To know how fragile our role in this life is
How quickly it could be snuffed out to nothing

Jump to yesterday
When you told me the same story
About the darkness, the cold, the nothing
However, this time it didn’t feel as scary
As foreboding or bleak
Instead of cowering behind fear
I responded,
“How peaceful to be alone without any thoughts?”

i've crossed the widest oceans
made of violent waters of the deepest blue
watched the glittering fish swim beneath me
and listened to them sing their soothing tunes
their songs, while beautiful in nature,
none of them I found to be true

i've climbed the highest peaks
made of weathered ground as cold as ice
watched sunrises flicker against sheets of white
and memorized their steepness in price
their colors, while beautiful in nature,
none of them I found to be paradise

i've walked the endless prairies
made of yards and yards of dry weeds
watched flocks of silken butterflies take flight
and witnessed a million tiny ant legs stampede
their freedom, while beautiful in nature,
none of them I found to be freed

i've explored the darkest caverns
made of massive black granite tombstones
watched the leftover light be snuffed out
and felt the fearful chill in my bones
their emptiness, while beautiful in nature,
none of them I found to be alone

She never was the friendliest girl in the room
But sometimes, her laugh was the loudest
And boomed across the room
Catching the attention of private conversations
It was probably a laugh
Not really worthy of the joke that was told
But still, it came out of the mouth
Of maybe not the most talkative girl in the room

She never was comfortable in her own skin
But sometimes, she dressed to impress
With an outfit she put tremendous thought into
It was probably an expensive dress
Too formal for whatever occasion it was
But still, it was strategically worn
By maybe the most insecure girl in the room

She never was the smartest girl in the room
But sometimes, her cleverness was noted
And she received a nod from the table
It was probably a random trivia fact
Too obscure to really matter in the long run
But still, it was casually mentioned
By maybe not the brightest girl in the room

She never was the prettiest girl in the room
But sometimes, she would catch your eye
And those little imperfections suddenly made sense
It was probably just the drinks
Too strong for your own good
But still, she looked beautiful
Maybe not being the prettiest girl in the room