The silent creak of the small blood vessels Closing in on themselves
Restless in my scarred hands
Killing me silently

The freezing cold silence washes over me
The stillness unbroken
But for the steam rising,
This tea dying,
To warm me in a zero sum game,
wishing,
To reach the moon through miles of cool air

But
falling
  from
    this
     still
      tree,

Holding me out,
offering me to this starry sky,
Holding me out,
far from this cliff
High above shallow river water and muddy banks.

I sit here in this cradle,
Finally alone again,
without attachments
Finally myself again,
lighting a cigarette
to clear the silence,
to ward off the cold...

And as this smoke
Fills my head
Warms my chest

My heartbeat fades from my ears
Hearing unwarranted storms in the silence
Born from the swirling smoke in my thoughts
I think,
'Who am I now that I am myself again?'

greeting faces just to watch them go.
slipping away, the makings
of fragile eternity.
finding traces of you here, traces there:
i grasp them so close to my heart,
so tightly
that they are crushed.

Her heart is made of something
that is not of this world,
perhaps-
it is supernatural with special powers,
because even though
she's been hurt so many times,
she continues to love
wholeheartedly.

You were all I had.
Everything I had ever asked for, hoped for.
Everything I had dreamed so long for,
and I threw it all away.

What was I thinking
when I said you weren't beautiful enough for me?
I was such a fool to think you were nothing
less than Perfection.

What a fool I must've seemed
when I didn't call you.
I hope, one day, on a stroke of luck,
you might forgive me. Until then,
my sorry will never seem enough.
You were everything.

Tell me how you feel
Go head tell me
I know you don't talk about feelings
But I would love to know what you're thinking
Sorry for my long absence
I was doing some growing
I know you heard this and that
So let me clarify
I've been fornicating
Sinning according to the holy book
Still I thought of you much throughout
My growing journey
I heard you're taken and I'm happy to see
You with someone that makes you laugh
More than I did
I had to let you go
But Im very happy every time you
double tap my pictures
I hope you forgive me for giving up
I always advertised I rather be alone
But now I feel some type of way
Because I don't feel
Well I don't have want I always wanted
Just was to immature to see what I always wanted
Was there feeding me during lunch break
But I won't give up
Because I seek to feel
The way I did every time I saw you.

My life decisions that have been made rest somewhere in my head for me to rethink them whenever I'm able to
The things I have never done and the reasons behind my paralyzation to do them and every possibility of a life led by doing all the things I ever wanted to do
The life of acting on my thoughts, the life of showing emotion, the life of existing outside the walls of my own head
But I am imprisoned by my own self which makes the equation of freedom impossible
Because if one of my hands tried to free me of my misery the other would pull me down and pull the rope around my wrists tighter than before
As with every thought that tries to let me act and exist just to find another opposing thought destroying all that it has been preparing for
The struggle of fighting your own self is you could never win or lose
Whoever wins loses at the same time, and whoever loses somehow wins
For you don't know whose side have you been taking and who you were battling against
And you have to live in between
Never getting the satisfaction and freedom of living without holding anything back
Nor being able to live with the silence undisturbed
And so you stand in the middle paralyzed
Until one day the rope is pulled too tightly around your neck
Turning you blue
And the fight ends with both of you losing
Or winning.

The moon is
sitting
in her *****
bathwater,
going cold,
always in
the cycle of
here and
not

why is it
that with
this beauty
I cannot
be happy?

the
iridescent soul
the
space
inside of
the rose
the
place
where
lovers go