3:37AM
Thats the time it is when im woken up by my dogs growling and a faint sound of screaming and yelling.

I rub my eyes and sit awake. I hear the fighting of the couple next door. The first time i heard them fight, i thought to myself "its none of my business".

The third time, i made up the story in my mind that "maybe they're going through some tuff times."

The fifth time i think "Maybe they had too much to drink". I started to lose count now...

Started to lose count of the number of smacks i heard. Lost count of how many sorries were said. Lost count of how many times "You worthless ****, I don't know why i put up with your ****!" was said.

4:02AM and it is quiet again. I replay in my head what i can do... Call the cops so she will lie to protect him? Get myself involved in something that is none of my business?

It is like water in my ears, fighting to get it out because it hurts when its there.

4:41AM I say a "sorry" under my breath, hoping whispers can travel like water and crash their door down.

7:23AM I walk out to my car, to see both of them smiling...

I forgot to fill my prescription.
How is it that I always forget something that makes such an impact on my life?
Without it, I am not myself.
or am I more myself?
Who is to say that depression and anxiety aren't characteristics as opposed to mental illness?

A chemical imbalance of the brain.
That's how the doctors describe it.
That's how we describe it,
To make ourselves feel less ashamed.

So I forgot to fill my prescription.
Sometimes I think I forget purposefully.
Is it possible to cautiously make a sub-consous choice?
Cause' I think I might.
I think I do it to make myself feel alive again.
**** being able to "function".
I don't see functioning as living.
I truly feel alive when I allow myself to indulge in the pain.

Treating the emotional agony as something that I shouldn't feel, only makes me feel more ashamed of it.

So instead I indulge.
I don't cry.
I don't cut.
I don't expose.
I indulge in my inner sadness.

It makes me feel like a rebel.
Indulging makes me feel more alive than the actual act of living.
And that terrifies me.

I terrify me.