choose your drug
your brand
drift into *** with meaningless women
the bite of liquor
the tang of ecstasy

choose it now
you'll need a crutch

generation gone
face half-remembered
select it now

the deepest of wounds need to be covered
tonight

let your drug consume you
take you away

for one moment,
*forget

The waves reach out on the shores
of everlasting peace

and solitude

Trees hang plentiful
the sky overcast with green-blue tones

the sun shines down
warm
sweet breeze whispering secrets
to the canopy

a slight sound accompanies
with its slow hissing sound

the ship burns slow, large, majestic
towering
on the horizon miles away


the ship lies broken driftwood
Breaking down
Medley of browns
greens
and
Crimson Reds

Wet, shredded, decayed

washing up on the shore

Living day to day
From one event to another
Ghosts haunting every footstep

is this any way to live?

belief is a double-edged sword
and the rate of blood loss
is much higher than
the rate of blood transfusion

breathe

in
out


breathe

it's just one more day

If I could write using moonlight
I'd pick up a quill
And break it while
Imprinting your name over and over again
All over your skin and mine
A strange, mismatched puzzle
Tattoos spreading across both our skins
Yearning for the other
The letters reaching out
Across the expanse of space and skin
Attempting to form a complete picture
With each other
And display my masterpiece

Apart- senseless

But placed against each other
They read out
An entire story
Told in two words

Borne of a strange need for possession
I would keep writing until you and I
Would bleed the colours of the evening skies
The silver scars, like intertwining webs
A destiny wound together in a braid

**Inseparable
Unfathomable

I am not one of those people who put up angry notes because of some crazy impulse or a destructive desire to rail against everything that is wrong with the world.
I am not the person whose hands shake so violently,
Whose body shudders so uncontrollably,
That I cannot type straight

But today, I just found out
That people
They pick up my poems
My emotions
Tangible
heavy
difficult
Solidified
Are being picked up
Likened to rags
And treated as cheap caricatures
Of the life I've led

If only they had ever felt
That gut-clenching fear
Of something beneath the surface
The scars that have faded
Covered by new skin
Over the years

If they felt
The need to end their own life
As acutely
As I do

I've never stopped
Not even once
Since the past seven years
It's been right here

Hidden underneath the layers
In between the lines
Read deeper if you dare

Yes,
Yes it sounds a hell load more sexier
To say I nearly jumped off a terrace
Or
I used to slit my wrists

Than tell you that
yesterday
The lights
Went green
And I
I don't know what come over me
But I walked to the middle of
One of the busiest crossings
And attempted
To peer into my future
In the headlights
Of a bus

I find it easier
To tell people
That I am a head-case
And they should stay away
Rather than tell them
That I sat up the whole night
Crying
On my birthday
Because I felt like a Giant Mistake

I find it easier
To tell people these lies
I still call myself honest
Wonder if that makes me a liar

I find it easier to describe
The pretty way the lights danced inside her eyes
When I brought her something entirely unexpected
But I won't talk about the dark, gaping hole
In my heart,
When I realised that I wasn't worth a **** to her

I don't talk about things that affect me
If my face goes pallid
And someone asks me why
I'll tell them it's cause I didn't sleep
What I won't tell them
Is that half the night was spent
Wondering how I came to be
And the other, thinking about how repulsed I am by myself

I won't talk about the way
I flinch
Whenever someone touches me
I won't mention the fact that I was molested
By my best friend
But I'll sound close to tears as I describe
My sorry friend's case who didn't know what to do about it

There are some things
Which aren't any of your ******* business
But it's **** difficult
To keep everything to yourself
When you've got anonymity protecting you
And no shoulder
To cry upon

The ceiling fan makes a comforting noise
As it whirs gently, with the premonition
That winter is near

She sits up hesitantly, somewhat afraid
That there might be something there
She just woke up from one of those nightmares
She could barely control her breathing
Fear and anxiety painted in her eyes

She's almost used to it, or so she thinks,
Till it happens again
She begins to shake just a bit
Almost subtly
She doesn't want- need- to think
Any more

She switches on another one of those gizmos
Whiles her night away
So she doesn't have to sleep
She doesn't need to go back
To those **** nightmares

A chill runs down her spine
But she turns up the music a little louder
She doesn't dare to cry
Scared of being heard,
Scared of acknowledging
That which lies silent, looming ahead
In the darkness

She doesn't want to because
Once she does, it would be tougher
To tell herself that they
Hardly matter

That they are not premonitions
Of the future

I've always hated my birthday

Yeah, I'm reaaally tipsy

And you know what?
That's alright.
That's perfectly fine.
'Cause I've got all these scars
Which I can't stop
Re-examining
Over and over again

It's routine to me, by now

This is less polished than the other poems
Maybe cause I don't even bother
With re-reading this piece
I want it to be brash
Honest

Just like me
All tears,
Jagged edges
Hurt and pain
All over
Just like me

I hate the sound of silence
So I've got music blasting
Away on earphones

(Makes it a little easier
to welcome the light
in the morning)

But
That's all cool
That's perfect

I am going to be fine

A year less to live
But it's alright
Let's raise a toast to that

I was drowning in depression
Desperation
I just needed someone to talk to

But I figured
There's nothing better than this
So I remained sitting
Cross-legged
On the floor of my bathroom cubicle
Jets of ice-cold water pouring
Over my head
My forehead
Eyes, Nose
Legs
Dripping down
Down
As a cloud of grey  
Enclosed me
Within itself

How do I even battle this
I thought
But that was just momentary
And it slipped away
Down, down, down
My mood remained downcast
Dreary

I wish the world could
W o u l d  f a d e  t o  g r e y

I wonder if these words will reach you
Penning them down furiously
Wondering, thinking
What's your reaction?
Are you happy, exalted that I deem you
This important
Or does it even matter anymore
Brush me off, treat it with disdain
Shrug it off your shoulders
Like the burden of these words
Don't lie with you anymore

Hey,
What're you thinking?
Will these words even get to you
I don't know whether I should
Show it to you
I feel embarassed at the thought
Of this ever reaching you
And you knowing that it was about you
Would **** you
I know where you're at
Just not with me
I feel pathetic

Yes, this isn't going to reach you
I am not going to put it in a place
Where you'll know this is me
And the 'you' here is YOU

My heart fragments a bit
I feel more downcast now
I've stopped writing so furiously
Lean back a bit
Examine these words
The black, the blue

What's the point
If I don't show this to you
How will I know
Your reaction?

Yes, I use violent imagery
Correction: I love using violent imagery
Does that annoy you?
Somehow set you off?

Is it because you wish
That I was a bit more 'normal'
A bit less pronounced, obvious
About who I am?

Are you annoyed because
You wish I'd feel embarrased
Of this part of myself?

Does it **** you off
To see me proudly display
My inner self-
all of it-
Without any of your foolish
Censoring?

Is it perhaps because
I am attempting to accept myself
Whatever I might be, its entirety?

Does it anger you
Because you
You bowed your head
And conformed when
Someone else came
And censored you?

But I
I refuse to do the same
For this is me
And I am not going to
Pick apart and,
Cut out
The bits of me you don't like
The shards
That form the complete picture

I refuse to allow
You to touch them
For this is ME
ME
Not you
Not your domain
**NOT under your control

Atrocities committed
At the dead of night
She runs, feet pounding
Against the pavement
Desperately trying

t
o

f
i
n
d

a

w
a
y

o
u
t

Poor little girl
Darling little girl
She almost made it

"You're my tool. I hope you remember that"*

The words were whispered to her
By a figure, sitting, cigarette clenched
Not yet lit; A lighter is tossed in her direction
She knows it isn't about their ego
It's a statement of her loyalty

Bends down on one knee
Kindles it with a match instead
Lighter still clutched in her hands
She walks out, leaving it on the table
Just beside the door

I've never felt good enough

*The raindrops hide the tears
The tears chase down the raindrops

Lock yourself away
For another day
When you're all alone
In a crowd of strangers

Just you*
In a city unknown
With strange faces,
Strange expressions,
Strange thoughts

Save yourself for another day
When you can just let it be
No fear of being recognised
Rules over you
And your life

So you can stay
Silent, standing
Or even sitting
On *****, dismal streets

People will have the same reaction
As the place you were in before
But they won't know you

So keep yourself away
For a day
When you can be

See, there are two after-effects
For when you feel suicidal

One, you take your own life
That is, you do the deed
You suicide and all that

Second, you keep all of that away
You don't tell people
You hide it within yourself
Train yourself
To ignore what once killed you
Put all that killing away
In some monstrous, deep hole
Inside of you

Something people
Only need to catch a glimpse of,
For it isn't theirs to intrude
You learn to live with it
Day by day

When death comes,
Your eyes are blank
Your thoughts are a copy
But somewhere
Deep inside
What killed you,
Still kills you

So,
Much before this cask had been buried,
Your soul had already died
When the thing that killed you
Stopped killing you

I sometimes wish
This is all we'd be
Here is infinity
Nothing above our heads,
Nothing below
Too many moments gone by
Time to return to reality
Feel the solid ground below
*****, I hit it too hard

That girl wouldn't dare see
Wouldn't dare know
The fate of another girl
Half-way across the world
Who tried to see

Despite all her misgivings
She did
She tried, she leant over
Bent backwards
And did her best
Stayed up all night
Unraveling those tangled threads

But she fell
She fell
She fell
She fell
You won't ever know how hard

She pretends to not see
Sometimes
But they come back
And they wave in crimson-tainted,
Guts splattered, dreams
They kick her
They wish she wasn't there

And sometimes.
Sometimes, she imagines giving up
Imagines living a life
Where she could hide

Hide
Behind her laptop screen her whole life
A life where she could sleep
Sleep at a time when everyone went to bed
Or if just a bit before,
Then nothing better

She wished she could hide.

Those falls left her lonely
Gut-clenchingly lonely
That girl is me.

You escaped
Through my fingers again
That answer which I
Have been clumsily chasing

With scabby scabby knees
Under starry starry nights
In quiet, lonely corners spent
Watching something indecipherable

A small answer
With such a resounding voice
Which I hope will soothe my brow
My nightmares it will quieten

An answer which I've been restlessly searching for
In the blood on my wrists
The scars that appear on my body-
Intentionally and otherwise

Digging open my heart and sometimes others
I rip them apart, stride (run) through recklessly
But when I leave, I don't leave a single mark

Sadness, weariness, desolation, isolation
All belongings of the poet
I will say hello to whichever one
I haven't greeted yet

Just so I can define and finally see
In all my sanity and insanity
That elusive, elusive answer

Born in starry starry skies
Starry starry cosmos
Descending beautiful

Maybe you might give me a kiss
In all your infinite knowing  
Something too beautiful for this world
At the moment when Oblivion opens
Its arms to me

You don't grow up
You learn to
Lower your cap
Hide your face
Your expression
And
Walk away,
Wordlessly

This is where we end
This is how we end
Your face, covered by your hands
Your peace lost
Dark circles beneath your eyes
Hands bleeding red
Eyes screaming
For god-knows-what

This wasn't easy
We're fine though
No promises to keep in touch
A couple of glasses
Lying shattered on the floor

I think that it is time
For me to drown myself
*I can see a heart-sized hole
In the bottle
Where I'm pondering
A midnight swim

At night, you sit and you make plans
- Houses, cars, babies, insurance
Just so many plans, in case something
Does not work out
You share some with him

He knows about your little problems
The ones you don't talk about
In polite company as you sneak away
Take your little white pills so you
Can keep it a secret for another day

You make so many lists of things
Things needed to build up your dreams
Different lists for every dream
It's exhausting, exacting work
But you sit up through the nights

Do it anyway, asking for his input
You were a little scared the first time
You showed him a list, told him about
Your little habit. He didn't even blink
As he started debating the finer points

His ease, total acceptance, took you aback
No one had done that for you- no one
You always had trouble verbalising how
Much it meant to you but he understood
Not a word from you, but he looked you in the eye

And he understood. It was tough going
There were nights when he could not handle
Some other things- small things- like toilet seats,
Other males in your life, but never your lists
It terrified you some times and you had to leave

You took a long time- maybe, too long- getting
Used to his presence, his little habits as well
But the both of you stuck it out together
Despite your differences. He tolerated things
- Loved the things- others could never stand about you

The plans now included him. Despite your
Competitive behaviour and the slight bits
Of insane and inane that you were, he became
Part of your world. People generally had no
Place there but he became a common fixture

You slowly started to believe

"He was in an accident. We're sorry but nothing could be done.
Could you please come to the hospital
For identification immediately, Miss?"

Your plans broke down and you could only watch
As they tumbled down, down into the sea of endless despair
Your lists were all useless now. All that work that
Included him, useless. You couldn't believe it
- the plans, the lists! Barely a thing could be heard,
Seen over all that wasted paper, all that time

(he said he'd be back in an hour or so
you were supposed to go out for lunch)

Your breath stopped. It nearly stopped and
You could only clutch your head, grip your hair
As you struggled to get a grip on yourself
On your perception of reality. He was gone
You were here. And there was nothing else

You looked up, horrified at all the desks and drawers
You frantically ripped them all out, hunted them all down
Tossed them together in a pile on the floor of your
Living room. All those lists, now just worthless bits of paper
With bits of optimistic, fictional words on them

You hated yourself. You dreaded, loathed, badly wanted to
Hurt yourself. Not the other driver, never anyone else
You hate yourself and you knocked back more than
The prescription said and you lit the entire pile on fire
As you went back to sleep. Tomorrow was another day.
There were things to be done. But before you let yourself
Get lost in sirens, neon lights, the could-bes and the accusations
Present in your nightmares, you took another piece of paper
And noted down, 'Funeral'.

Broken
Is not being shattered
Into a million pieces
Broken
Is not being suicidal
Though that certainly is a part
Broken
Isn't when the pieces don't fit
Or you keep trying
But it keeps falling apart
Broken
Means not knowing what to do
With those pieces
Broken
Is being unable to meet people's eyes
Because you don't know what the hell
You're doing there either

Broken
Is 3:40 AM
Looking into the eyes
In the mirror

I can hear the sound of rain
Against the asphalt
The cars honking with
The almost unheard birds
Just a beat behind
But what stands out in my memory
Are the smoky grey skies
And the tree barks looking like
Shades of watercolour brown
Everything shining
Steaming silently, looking silvery
Peaceful
I remember a number of things
But I cannot forget
That smell
So reminiscent of rain

I can't even ******* breathe
Could I get some help
Some aid right here?
Tell me a location
A doctor

I swear, I'll do anything
Just get me to breathe
Put me on the system
Get me on pills

Just get me to breathe again

There are people who try to bring you down
Sometimes, they even succeed

They could be anyone-
People whom you nearly entrusted everything with
Everything
And some to whom you did give everything
Each little thing

They tell people those things
You find out one day
When you think things are fine
Maybe you haven't talked to them for a bit
But you think that what you had
Is still there

Then someone comes,
Taps you on the shoulder
Tells you about what they've heard
You stand there
One second, two seconds

You don't allow yourself more

Put on a poker face
Say with a grin,
"Ah, that's all ****"

Refuse to believe it
Till you've confirmed it with them
You've always been stupidly willing
Like that

You'd take it at face value
If they just looked you in the eye
And told you everything honestly
You'd let it pass

Sure, you'd get mad
But you'd let it pass

You're stupid like that

But they don't
You remain stupid
Aloof, mean, hurtful

Brush it off with a grin
Treat them like yesterday's news
Move on to someone else
Shed your literal tears at night
Over a stupid scrap of paper
In black and blue ink
Let it bleed there for a bit

Tell yourself you're fine

You've heard things about me
I seem like a lot of things

Hey, guess what?
I've heard things about you too
But I'm still standing here
Waiting to listen to you
Not giving a **** about what
The rest have said
I am still here,
Ready to listen, despite
Everything new that'll be said
About me
I'm listening eagerly
Tell me what really happened
I won't judge
If you want, you don't even
Need to justify

It's just a pity
That you won't show me
The same courtesy

******, I'm such a loser

The seven sins
Are my edicts
I will not stop

from dusk to dawn,
I wish I'd catch a wink of sleep
it certainly isn't pleasant to be going to sleep
when the rest of the household starts to rouse themselves
but such is the life of a closet insomniac
such is the life of one who lives in paranoia
such is, after all, the life of one who only ever comes alive
with the Night City,
my Night City,
identified by the purplish-black clouds that blanket
the city and the neon lights that adorn it,
once again letting
us insomniacs become ourselves,
the ones who laugh and dance
and live and breathe when the world sleeps

the ones that return to existing as mere
shadows with the dawn of the sun
for us though, the awakening of the world is
with the appearance of starlight
with the quietening of most of
the sounds that plague daylight
random fires on streets are put out and
we are left
to delight in the fiery-orange neon lights.

aah.
but what a sad time for us
when we become shadows
unable to do anything, with heavy weighted limbs
that refuse to obey any command,
with woolly heads and sleep deprivation,
almost-vampires for we don't sparkle
bruises under our eyes are barely noticed
for they are always there
during the day, shadows we become.
brushed aside and barely noticed, yet
in silence we choose to remain,
muted revelry, safe in the knowledge
that night will return again.

I'm ******* perfect I'm ******* perfect
I'm ******* perfect I'm ******* perfect
I splash some water on my face
Rub it a bit more
Check again to see if it's a little less red

I'm ******* perfect I'm ******* perfect
I'm ******* perfect I'm ******* perfect*
Repeat it again
Breaking down all over the sink
Trying to regain my composure again

We write*

Not for your pleasure,
Your entertainment
Or anyone's attention
We're here writing
Trying to reach something
Left unsaid
Inside of us
Something we find
For a moment
When we feel satisfied
With something
Some
Words that we have
Thrown together
In random order
Some abstraction
We disguise it
Decorate it  
But it's all there
Right in-between the lines

Why do we write?*
Hell, I don't think we know either

While everyone was busy ******* around

(Hey, she's a *****. That dude? So hot.
That chick is so **** ****, it's crazy
I want her. I want him. Just kidding. L-O-L
Dude, she was so harsh on me, like W-T-F
She was a major wannabe *****. ***** her
He was ugly as sin. What the hell did I ever
See in a ******* like him?
I am going to ruin his/her life),

I was busy ******* my own life up
Guzzling up words, words, words
Drinking them in, guilty as a desperado
Bad, good- hardly made a ******* difference
When I'd been at it for a few minutes already
(whatever, hours to you)

Insatiable- that's me
I want more. Give me more.
I want to read more-more-more
Going to combust
More words! More!
This is too less already! More!
Everyday- 16 hours straight
I need to read more
It's all that I have, am
No one can take it away from me
No one!
I won't let them!
I'll go at them with knives, blades, guns
I'll **** myself up
I barely give a ****.
I just need more.

Nice people
Make my heart
Hurt

It is childish
I know
But I cannot help but
Think this way

Humans befuddle me
I befuddle myself
I wonder if that makes me human.

Today -
It is a Winter's day
But
The sun is burning so brightly
It sears my eyes
The temperature is perfect
The weather
Is reminiscent of Spring

Today -  
I buried someone
All clothed in black
And weariness

Today
*I buried myself

A half-remembered face
But so many important memories
What happened to all of them?
What makes me forget
The other
Half of this face?

I know you imagine me to be strong
Build me up in this image
Of a person with attitude, guts
Too much anger, too headstrong
Too much of a stereotype,
Too much of a misfit

But I don't ask that you think differently
You see I am sort of used to people walking away
And I had rather you see me as infallible
Than as something to be pitied, as someone vulnerable
To their cheap attacks, to your barbed remarks
I wish that you would- could - understand
That I am something terribly moody
But I can be good. Yes, I am good

I can be better if you'd listen to me
Let me in but don't demand too much from me
I will try to leave everything undisturbed
Heal a scar or two then walk out from your heart
Without having occupied any position of interest
Or importance

I wouldn't mind. I have been relegated to the background
once again
But I am infallible

My scars aren't meant to be pitied
Or sympathized with
I hate that you think you can understand
When you don't
I don't care about what you've been through
Until you've been with me for years
You've seen all that I have to offer
Because believe me
I'd never trust anyone with everything
If they haven't even been around that long

Some might think this is all there is to it
But I can tell you that there are a million things
Left to learn about me
So wait. Calm yourself. Let us be but don't just let me be
Don't rush for me, don't slow down for me
Just let me walk at my own pace but if you see me falter,
Then check if I'm fine. Make it known that you care
Believe me it helps when I'm with a blade.
You don't know how the simple gestures affect me

How they shake the ground beneath my feet
How they make me smile
How my world changes

So please. Just care for me. But don't ask- demand- too much of Me
Don't put me up on some pedestal, don't think of me as fragile
My scars, the ones I will slowly begin to show to you,
Aren't indicators of that.
I am proud of them- intensely proud
I've fought and I've died a million times on the inside
I've cried and I hated myself the most through these years

(I used to tell myself those barbed remarks
Every single criticism, I would sit up and repeat it to myself
So that I never got ahead of myself
Everything they said, how much they didn't like me,
Didn't care for me.
I sat up and repeated all of that to myself
Every. God. ****. Night.
Hoping someone would call just so I'd have an excuse to quit
But no one ever did -was ever up, ever available- at such times
So I'd just continue)

Despite everything, inspite of everything
I stopped. I had the strength- with or without
Anyone- anyone- being there
Respect- love- me a little bit for it
Hate that I do this to myself
Tearing into myself,
Tearing myself down into such tiny pieces
Making myself into this small entity
Hate it. Detest it. Loathe it.

Tell me that.

But never stop telling me
Don't do that blindly though
Please listen to me as well
Don't blind yourself to how
I am marginally better everyday
Even if there are so manymany setbacks
Be honest with me
I wouldn't care if you talked badly of me then
Because I'd know that you truly loved me then
(yes. yes, i would)

So please. Just give yourself
Just give me  
A chance to be who I am around you
Don't expect it to happen too fast
I swear I'll be there by your side
If you called for me
I'd always look out for you
I would stick up for you
When your lover wouldn't do that either
Don't be afraid of how different
And moody I am
I'll always be there for you
Just call me
And give us time-time-time

A time for farewell, a time for greeting.
The year passes and the new one starts.
Nothing spectacular, just ticking by,
Oh time. We're at the edge of the calendar.
Do slow down for a week, a day, an hour, a moment
As the time for farewell draws closer,
I wish you were closer.

Saturn might have lost it's rings
But I? I have lost my wings when I needed it most.
When I needed it, help abandoned me, people shunned me
I was left alone with nothing but space for company.
It's just beginning to become chilly

The air hardly makes goosebumps rise on anyone's skin
The reason for my goosebumps are different, you see.
I realised today with dread, that it was time.
Time to bid farewell to familiar friendly acquaintances,
Time to greet new, unknown faces of possible enemies.

A truce is over, another needs to be sought out.
A way out, a light to read the fine print by.
A truce just provides bare protection
End of an eventful year and too many things best forgotten.

In a few months, the worst will be upon me
After all, it's a cycle. It brings you high one second,
And the next you go tumbling down. Nothing could be stranger
Or more righteous than this cycle.

The edge of the calendar draws closer.
Saturn will barely be affected, on its way around the Sun.
Us mere Earthlings suffer as our year draws to an end

A time to die, a time to be born.
A time to laugh, a time to cry
Never a time for redemption.

After some time,
You know that
They don't
They can't
Understand  
That scars like these...
They don't go away
They don't fade
They come knocking
At midnight to tell you
About how they've
Festered for so long
Even after, you talk them out
Resolve them, lay them to sleep
They revisit you, dragging you back
To memories best forgotten
Touches burnt on your skin
Half-remembered words,
Hateful, disgusted expressions
Cheapened expressions
That make your soul unclean

Ordinary, everyday people
Could never understand  
Why you need to look away
Fidget so much, the hidden
Violence with which you **** back
When someone touches
Upon such sensitive issues
Maybe you talk it over with them
Once, perhaps, and then they think
That it is gone, it is laid to rest
But what they fail to realise
Is that it comes back, creeping
Crawling, taking you over again
They'll turn away, disgusted
Because they don't know the
Impacts of long-term exposure
To slow poisoning of heart, veins, lungs

And they'll turn away
Repulsed, disinterested
When you come crying
Begging for some help
Some solitude
Because you can never
Make them feel  
The pent-up emotions
Over a decade
The unseen scars
These little things
Have left you with
They will not see
The confusing mixed
Messages being sent
By those other people
They will not understand
That you're not looking
For something you've
Lost, right there,
Sitting on the ground,
Almost helplessly,
On your knees

In fact, you're looking
For something
That was never yours
To have in the first place
(peace, solitude,
no more loneliness,
no more emptiness)

Something
you have
(never had)
Permanently
Lost

Boring clothes
Quiet unvoiced thoughts
Loud voice
Loud presence

Aah, I love the cold
Almost harsh, or really harsh
Winter months
I love walking then
Walking alone
For miles and miles
Minutes and hours
I could keep walking
If there weren't parents
To reassure, a family,
A warm home to go back to
A dragging commitment
That is binding in every
Single link I've ever made

I could keep walking otherwise
Just a light jacket, hardly appropriate
For the weather, the temperature
Numbed by the chill
The soles of my feet sting
My feet wrinkled, grated against
My sandals, hardly sufficient
Completely dry skin, also cold
Almost too numb, maybe too corpse-like
No socks, no scarves, no gloves
No caps, no protection
Because protection is only needed
When there is an enemy

I could stay like this forever
A thought strikes me while I walk
That maybe this hopeless love
Exists solely because I am the closest
The closest I can be to being me
As I walk, and hide, and revel
Maybe even reveal Me

I silently lose myself in contemplation
Because the days are shorter
There is more space, more time to hide myself
Under warm blankets, comfortable clothes,
A cup of hot chocolate, in the cold starry nights
The sting on my cheek
That I lightly touch, can be disguised
Explained away as the caress of the cold wind

This loneliness that grows inside me
It is already so tired
Of seeing people walk away
That it is too tired, too weary
To talk to anyone, so it hides
Underneath the surface,
Appearing so much more closer
Than it ever has in these few months

I am raw, almost bleeding,
Waiting for the stars to come out
Just so they can shine on me
Over my head, down on me
With me, maybe even communicate with me
I'll pick up my drink
Acknowledge their presence
And drink to them and their beauty
Their unimaginable beauty that Always,
Without Fail, takes my breath away
My self rubs against my facade
So raw but it doesn't even matter
It is the closest to the surface
As I raise my drink and almost imagine
Myself in this lonely cold urbanscape
With all the scars, every **** thing
Not a thing out of place,
I almost imagine myself beautiful*
Revitalised but then this self withdraws
Back insideinsideinside
My facade still rubbed raw

Ah, but what a beautiful time
The cold times on the terrace
The chilling walks down nostalgia lane
No more brown leaves
Just a mere peak here and there
Like a little troublemaker
Waiting for me to go away again

*Winter is... truly one of my favourite seasons

I detest those *******
Who dare to think
Dare to presume
They know me after
Talking to me
For just three weeks
I detest those *******
Who think they have
Any demand, any right
To my time and attention
I hate the fact that
These *******
Seem to think that my
Primary concern
Should be their welfare
Their state of mind
But presumptions like these
They only serve
To help me sever
Whatever relation or connection
I had with them
I am not here to amuse
Entertain or look after
Their well-being
We are hardly good friends
How dare you even think
That I would care
Or that I would have to care

You can take your attitude
And your sheer stupidity
And shove it up your ***