Thoughts of death are coming back.
I cut my hand open on purpose.
I don't want to move.
I don't want to live.
Woo.

Its interesting to see,
that this thing happens so constantly.

I'm here.
I exist.

I'm seen.
I'm acknowledged.

I'm a part of something.

But like all good things.
They go away in time.

Within time,
i fade.

I'm ignored.
I'm forgotten.

Like an old memory,
that doesn't need to be remembered.

I'm an afterthought.

The more i think,
the more i know.
I know i am a failure.
I know i am unwanted.
I don't ever want to leave this room.
I don't want to leave this bed.
It will be my final resting place.
Like a body bag.
Because there is no glory in a bag.
Just like there isn't any in this bed.
Im lethargic,
Im dying.

I've been so curious as to what I am.
What I am to other people.
What I mean to other people.
And I have found out what it is.
I am nothing.
I am the unwanted friend and son.
I am the mistake made at a party.
I am the regret you feel when you realized you could've done better.
I am the thing people don't want.

Why am I this way.
Why am I thrown away after I give everybody my all.
Why am I getting hurt.
For doing my best.

I'm sorry.
If I went away you wouldn't notice.
You wouldn't feel or see the difference.
But as soon as I say this.
I exist again.
I "matter".
It's just because you don't want to have to deal with death.
Deal with putting up the front of sadness.
I know I wouldn't be missed.
But that doesn't matter.
Because I don't matter.

I've been asked why I picked this name.
Timothy lee.
"What's the connection?"
"What's the importance"
"What does it mean"
Timothy Richard Lee.
Now.
Lee is nothing.
A common name.
But.
Those two names are who I wish to be.
Who I want to be.
I want to be like them.
A hero.
Like a bird.
Soaring in the sky.
To save you.
I know I can't be him.
I can't be the robin.
I can't save because all I do is destroy.
I wish I wouldn't destroy,
Or steal.
That was never my intention.
I just want happiness in your lives.
I'll never be the robin.
Just the cards in the deck that aren't used.

-Mr.J (T.L.)

It's 4 a.m.
I can't sleep.
I can't think.
I just stare at this ceiling and think,
What if.
What if I did it.
What would be different?
Who would be happier?
Would she be happier?
Would they be happier?
Would I?
I don't know the answer.
I ponder.
I question.
For days and days I think.
But yet no clue of what would've happened.
So I guess we will never know.
I have a message to the parallel earth where it did happen.
Congratulations.
I hope I'm not missed.

Calm,
Collected,
Smiling,
This is what you see on the outside.
Safe,
Calm,
Happy...
But it's a mask,
A suit,
Body armor.
Cause on the inside,
Decay,
Death,
Depression.
Screaming so loud it would wake a def man.
Each day is pain.
I scream louder and louder yet i never make a sound.
All you hear is silence,
And all you see is a smile.
But on the inside,
Is darkness,
Torture,
Blackness...

It comes in a bottle.
All shapes, all sizes.
It comes in all flavors,
All colors.
It's made many different ways.
But no matter what.
It does the same thing.
It's poison.
It fogs the mind.
It's poison.
It's toxin.
It's ruined my life.
Time and time again.
And I though it would be over.
I thought I wouldn't have to deal with it.
But it still comes back.
Every time.
I thought I would be enough,
To make it stop.
To show you that the taste of poison isn't worth it.
Because all it brings,
Is pain,
Suffering,
Sadness,
And death.
So please.
All I ask.
Is put down that bottle.
I'm sorry I've caused you to put that poison to your lips.
I just wish I was the reason you wanted to never touch it again.

I'm sorry.
I wish I had done it
I wish I had said something.
But now it's too late.
I will always regret it.
But now it's too late.
I'm going to go mad.
Because now the distance between the doctor and I will be too great.
I'm sorry.
I can only hope for the future.
I'm sorry Harley.
I'll miss you.

Everybody I love is dying.
The people closest to me are dying.
And it's my fault.
I've caused the depression.
I've caused the accidents.
I've caused the cancer.
It's all my fault.
I'm poison.
I'm toxic waste.
If I go.
Everything will get better.
For everyone.
No more depression.
No more accidents.
No more cancer.
No more sadness.
I'm sorry I've caused all this death.
I'm sorry.

tonight was the end.
everything is ending.
everything should be getting better.
but i wanted to crash my car on the way home.
i wanted to speed up,
and turn off the road.
crash my car and die.
i don't want this life anymore.
its too hard for me to live.
i dont enjoy this much anymore.
theres very little keeping me here.
it would be better if i left.

I still want to die.



But you make me want to put it off for a little longer.

I am a shadow.
I go unnoticed.
I am the darkness that everybody chooses to ignore but knows is there.
I am the choice people regret making.
I am the chill that travels up your spine when you feel anxious.
I am what you see in the corner of your eye, but is gone when you look.
I don't actually exist To you.
To any of you.
I'm just a regret.
I'm the bad taste in your mouth.
I am what you hate.
But I am a shadow.
Even when I'm gone.
I'll be lurking behind you.
In the back of your mind.
Reminding you.
Of what happened.

Today I was caught trying to **** myself.
I just said
No no no I'm filming a video,
A psa about suicide.
But I was trying to hang myself.
I was going to do a psa for everybody around me.
To love the people you have while there here.
Cause I don't want to be anymore.
And it seems I'm not wanted.
This has been...
My psa.

She is the sun which brings out the flowers.
I'm the black hole which light I devour.
So similar yet so different.
You, the creator of happiness and smiles.
Me, that destroys everything within miles.
You're the creator of planets and I the destroyer.
The gaps in the universe act as a border.
Never destined to meet.
For if we do cross paths your light would deplete.
So stay away my little sun, we were never meant to be.
I don't want you to become like me.
A dead star that use to shine like the sun.
But alas,
Our journey has ended before its begun.

Cut away my feelings
Anesthetize my mind
Let me jump off of this ledge
And leave this all behind

From day one
You said I couldn't do anything right
You beat me down with words and punches.
Bruised my skin, my mind, my heart. You ******* *******.
You ruined me.
Now look at what I've become.

Welcome to the darkness.
Welcome to the pain.
Welcome to the agony.
Welcome to my brain.

You said you'd always be there,
But you never were!
You said you'd make the pain stop! But you drove the knife deeper.
You said you love me.
You said you cared.
But now I'm here sitting alone.
All alone and scared.

I just wanna rip my ******* heart out.
Blow my brains against the wall.
Slice my veins too deep.
Step off the ledge and fall.

You never ******* cared.
None of you.
I'm all alone and scared.
Just please.
Let.
Me.
Go....

I feel empty inside
Full of nothing but darkness
Vast, cold, darkness.
Go for miles and all you will find is sadness.
An ocean of sadness.
Im swimming
trying to keep my head above
gasping for air,
yet all i inhale is water.
i scream
but my lungs release no sound,
just silence.
Im slowly drowning,
drowning in the ocean inside.

They know about my problems,
Say that it doesn't matter.
Say that they love me an will never think otherwise.
They get close.
Closer and closer.
Then they say it,
Those ******* words.
"I love you."
Those words that can tame a barbarian.
The words that can calm the storming seas.
Words of trust, acceptance, care...
"The scars don't matter. They make you beautiful"
"I'll never hurt you."
Minutes, hours, days, weeks, months.
It doesn't take long to get sick of me.
That promise. Turns into a lie.
That love turns into hate.
Then I end up alone.
Then I take the cold blade to the skin.
The next day a nice person notices.
We start to talk.
I tell them my problems.
They help me through them.
They know all my problems.
*rinse, repeat.

Every now and then I catch myself thinking about her. She was the light of my life. And now she calls me bro and acts like nothing ever happened between us... It is the most painful thing I have experienced. I want to see her but I also don't. She betrayed my trust. But I forgave her instantly because I understood why she did it. I mean look at me, I'm just surprised she stayed with me as long as she did. I just don't want to lose her. That love, that happiness, that acceptance.... I just want her back.  But that's not going to happen now is it. Because I'm me and who wants to be with me. I hate myself. And I'm pretty sure everybody else hates me too. I'm afraid of everything. I guess that's why I'm alone now. People say I'm not alone. But I really am. I'm too afraid to go outside. At school I'm always thinking these kids are going to make fun of me. Stop looking at me. What is wrong with me. Don't touch me. Is there something on my face. Don't talk to me..  I just want to be left alone because I know that I'll just end up getting hurt again.  Whenever my friend is depressed, or thy are harming themselves. I always tell them to stop, to find another way. People try and do the same with me. I'm in the same situation. But I deny ever getting better. Because I know that happiness is a lie. Because I know that others can be. But I can never see myself being happy. Because in my life. It's just one...big..lie..