I want to be kissed in an art gallery

And cross streets without looking both ways,
Because we’re too busy,
Giving each other our own green lights.
(The sun was shining, and your smile was beautiful)

I smoke cigarettes as a metaphor
But I am not a book
Or exceptionally skinny
It still makes me feel romantic

I screamed at the top of a mountain,
And fell into my grave
All without leaving my bed.

I vow not to be a parent that looks the other way
And that punishes the symptoms
Of a sickness

Its hard not feel broken
When I can hear the rattling of my shattered insides

Its been a year since you died
I’m so sorry.

I used to draw.
I used to think beautifully.
I miss who I used to be, before I found myself

I have a whole world in my head
I am so much
and
I can’t wait to share it with someone

I’m not done living,
I have so much left to experience.
And I must find beauty in my distortions
If I’m ever going to make it out of here

-Taylor.

You’ve got me humming,

And buzzing.

The reason I’m doing my hair in the morning.

Little daydreams,

Of something that could be

This isn’t a poem about love,

Just a poem about the curve of your back

That my fingers like to trace

And the little kisses in the stairwell,

We like to steal when no one is looking.

I’ll compare you to my glass of wine,

Light.

Something innocent and

Refreshing,

Giving me the perfect little buzz.

I’m not drunk on love.

Just enough.

And I’m not

And I’m not

And I’m not counting stars,

I’m enjoying the sunrises,

And how floral you make me feel,

When you look at me with soft grass in your eyes.

I’m going to keep enjoying this longest afternoon,

Drinking up your positivity and soft touches

Until our eventual sunset

But you know, sunsets are beautiful too.

-Taylor

Act I

Watching the scenes of my life
As a spectator,
Understanding acting isn’t for me
Participation kept to a minimum,
Dialogue kept painfully simple
And, forget emotion
Laughing, crying
Its all the same

Act II

Silently
And rather appropriately
Mocking the silliness
Of this dreadful girl, who resembles me
And that sad, and lonely boy
Who resembles fire, and dust
All an illusion really.
Yes,
I think I’ll sit this one out too
The drama, and loud tears
So moving,
So disgustingly indulgent

Act III

A finale of sorts
I’ll have a cocktail with this one,
It ought to be good.
Awaiting the breakdown
God, such a convincing heartbreak.
Thankful I quit,
That I saw this ending coming
Lets just close the curtains,
Shut down the whole god ****** production
I’d rather the story just stop now.

-Taylor

Its better this way.

And we’ve got these days stretched out before us
Like a thought beginning in mid sentence
Like a conversation in circles
That isn’t connecting
Only in round laughter.
We’ve discovered these things
On the floor
In the sun
In each other.
Truth.
Ours.
That the hours are short
But the sun is long
And the water is overflowing
So I’ll try and make a complete thought in this time
In one full rotation
Around the sun
Or my mind
(We) Stop believing in chaos
I believe in progress

-Taylor

We laid on **** rugs,
And creativity flowed out.
Finger tips to minds,
Like making love,
We made music.
I slept with you,
And turned into a spider
A vine,
And rooted myself
Into your dreams

The kind of dreams,
You try and fall back into
After the daylight has woken you.
Squeezing eyes shut,
The window growing smaller,
Darker.

But oh! The reality.
My dreams, in all their dimensional glory
Living beauty, right beside me
Privileges,
An art gallery without a Do Not Touch sign
Fluid art, I caress until I’m reaching through it
Until in envelopes me,
Until it is inside me,
Watering the vines
You already planted.

-Taylor

I don’t want to save you for a rainy day,
Because we are the storm.
I don’t want you to buy me flowers,
Because you are the thorns
I can’t fall asleep in your arms,
For you are the nightmare
Can’t trust my own reflection,
The moon blinds with a glare.
And I really can’t remember,
If what was left was ever enough
Fighting with gunpowder,
Because we’re made of that stuff.

-Taylor

*And I crave your poison.

Just hold your breath,
And I’ll read you a lullaby
Drinking luke-warm coffee
And tunneling though my mind
Moving like winter,
But approaching those summer days
I think I love you, but it might be a phase.

-Taylor

You’re just a boy I held hands with
I let you discover every part of me
In the smoky apartment, in the back room
It was like floating, but only for a while
Then when you were gone, it was like thunder
And I shook, and held my own cold naked body
I cried.
But then you came back, and held me.
Wrapped your arms against me, we melted.
You told me lies, and I knew it
It made me whole again, but not fixed
Because I know you will leave again
And won’t come back
I am so afraid.

-Taylor

I see myself, in the dark.
Like, on an empty street,
Well, its all in my head anyways.
These shadow people that haunt me
We’re all just what they make of us
The puppets to put in their shows

We take part in their tragedy’s
For their **** entertainment
To cure their selfish boredom.

And with wandering eyes, to find
The sun, we look toward the sky
But oh, the days are like an endless eclipse
Only darkness
Oh, and ourselves.
Reflected back in the puddles
Of muddy water, like the blood that runs through
The pipes of our veins
Seeing, only what we wish to see,
Living on the lonely streets of our mind.

-Taylor

When it comes down to it
How much do we know?
This skewed vision of ourselves
Wondering if we’re doing enough
But still pumping the chemicals
It’s a careless problem we face
Like a winding mountain road, or maybe a cracked desert
Because we don’t mind ruining
What is already destroyed
The ugly edges of a cliff
We are one step too close
And not able to see
The meadow of opportunity
That you see

-Taylor

I need an inspiration
An instigation
A criminal conversation
The whole of a part
Not just a fragment, but an abstract art
Confuse.
Amuse.
Misuse.
You hold the world in your hands
A line, a word, a syllable, they wish and you command.
Abuse.
******.
Enthuse.
You say jump and they’ll fly
Anyone can do it, (shhh) you just need enough courage to try.

-Taylor

Lights, and bling
Fools, and screams
Its all the same,
Just a different name

Creepy shades of gray
Blurs of people,
And conversation
Without obligation

Living in the profanity
Of frosty lip gloss tubes
In worlds consumed with outward appearances
Just dump out your brain
You stupid pretty girl
I’ve seen you do it

This isn’t a thing about thoughts or wisdom
Or even the search of it
This is about people,
Doing exactly what is expected of them
Getting too loud
Too processed
Too, used up.

Making false escapes,
Only to have familiarity come to them instead
Go ahead,
Run away
With the safety in knowing
They’ll follow you.

-Taylor

Who am I to judge another persons therapy?
Her method of picking up the pieces
How she can feel whole
If only for a hot night, far away
Just to feel the hot rain, come
Shattering down
Falling to your knees
It is the price to feel
Alive.

So who am I to say, what is
Dangerous or damaging
When we all must struggle to keep our heads above the water.
To cope, with our deaths.
Long, and slow.
Dragging.

Who am I to judge?

When I am falling, fading, flying,
Euphoria.
Drowning.
Inhale. Exhale.
Gone.
We all have our therapy.

-Taylor

My path has never been on the straight and narrow
Its been a winding trail, over mountains
Though streams
Pieces have been missing
I’ve had to build my road as I go
Creating my own detours
Perhaps straying from the course
Sometimes stumbling into the blackness,
Of a forest
Or a mistake.

But I have also seen beauty on my travels
A forgiveness, and acceptance that shines
I have waded into the waters of youth
And slept in the meadow of knowing

The people I have met along the way
Like hitchhikers, picking me up instead
For I carry none with me,
The burden to satisfy grows too heavy
I always stumble despite my best intentions
And disappoint, even the most beautiful of people
The falling is inevitable, like the passing of a day
Or the chill of the frost on the grass,
Before the sun breathes its hot breath.

I don’t know if my road will get me to the golden gates
The ones that await you
For my path always seems to disappear over the horizon

-Taylor

Wading into a stream,
Letting my fingertips skim the surface
Compelling them to inhale
The words the water speak
Before
I am grasping
Desperately
To hold onto the waves
That seem to be rushing
Faster, the more frenzied my attempts become
Until my movements become sloppy
And the river becomes angry
Not just passing though my fingers,
But slicing them, like a punishment
That I deserve

I try to push my own words
Back down my fingertips
Anticipating that the line goes both ways
And maybe this will make you hear me
I hope you want to hear me
And that you can understand

But you’ve passed by me so fast
That I don’t even know if its you
Who I’m reaching for anymore
And my reckless attempts turn
To pathetic cries
Filled with sorry, and judgment
And shame
And regret
That I couldn’t hold on,
When you were right in front of me.

-Taylor


Never ruin an apology with an excuse.

Lets wait here, for our lives to begin
Swimming in a pool of callow memories
Stealing a drink from the fountain
And pondering what we’re waiting for

We float and let the days wistfully pass by
Never acknowledging our discontent

We reside in the paper towns, fragile and light
Holding our breath
Anticipating, anxious for the breeze
To blow us away
Before we get the chance to figure it all out

-Taylor

The rocky steps that lead to the sea
Were always a problem to climb
Always one careful step from a chaotic tumble
Into the misty void

And once the journey was made
Cold gray sand greeted me
Like a lonely desert
The horizon seeming father away

By chance id make it
To the edge of a frozen mouth
Already so drained of yellow life
Ready for the pain, the ice
To jolt me awake
To open my eyes to this grey sky

I would wait

Then hear your eerie whispers
Calling through the sea
The waves swelling, you
Would wrap your fingers around my ankles
I would breath out in relief

A fearful alertness, you were here
Your hair in the blue-grey sea foam
Your breath, the piercing wind
That slapped my cheeks

Your salty words, unsatisfying
Plugging my ears
Until all I hear are your letdowns
And fury.

The skies would darken, and
The swell would become greater
Until I open my mouth and scream
That I can’t take your bruises
And I can’t take my own delusions

But you have already started to pour down my lungs
Filling me with your ice and confusion
And I can see
All your doubts
And blackness
And overflowing emptiness

And I almost feel sorry, like I’ve failed you.
And I couldn’t help you
But I remembered,
You drowned me
With yourself.


-Taylor

It started with dancing
A shiver,
A calm.
Boom, Bass.
And words.
Oh the words.
Feet stamping, hair wild.
Pulsing.
Then the crowds.
Oh, the crowds.
Pressing up, closer.
Touching, begging
Go on.
Oh, go on.
Sweat.
Desperation.
A longing.
Crazed beauty.
And she wondered,
Do I dance for the music,
Or for the people?
And they said,
Go on, oh dance on.
And she did.

-Taylor

Following street lamps,
and fighting the tide
Realizing, i'm losing the battle
Because i will never find the words
The ones filled with fairytales
Like the paper bag princess,
Always fearing the worst
Crying rainbow tears, and daring dragons
They lock up themselves you know.

I am finally understanding,
what you meant, when you said,
That thing you didn't quite understand yourself.
That you don't understand yourself.
At all.

And as i am locked up, in my forbidden tower
I watch the clocks.
Hour hands.
Spinning wildly out of control.
The sun being pulled by a string,
by a changing mind, who just can't decide.

Because I will never find the words.
Or the keys.
To be the damsel, who will somehow save the prince.
But then,
i remembered
that i adore you.
And in these kind of stories, that is usually enough
For my twisted kind
of happily ever after.

Holding my ball of fading yellow yarn
Knowing what its like to be so disconnected
All my strings
Being cut
The elasticity wearing thin
But we all have our obsessions
The ones we feed, only to make them stronger

The separations,
Like I’m behind a glass wall
Watching the nice little ribbons
Being tied together
And looking so beautiful
With all their bright colors

You are the neat little packages
I will never fit into.

-Taylor

Its kinda like midnight, and
The sweet frost
Biting my cheeks
So young, the color of life

Looking to my sides, and
Seeing trust and beauty
Not just skin deep

Tonight we forgot words, like
Change and the future
Our spirits are preserved
On that street
On those stairs
And in that light

Knowing that no matter what happens,
Its okay.
Because we’ll always know that tonight happened.
And our lives were once this simple

Right now, this is as close as we’ll ever be to
Forever.

-Taylor

I find myself running out
Of things and ways to say it.
Repeating phrases
Like I’m sorry
Saying them louder
Like that might help you
To understand

I know this is hard for you
But its hard for me too
Because it was me who fired the shot,
That brought down the world

I blew out the candle,
And everything went dark
Now I’m blindly feeling my way,
To a solution
Hoping one exists at all  

God, I’m just so **** terrified
Trying so hard to hold it all together
Hold it all in.
Hoping my fear doesn’t show though the cracks

I can’t care how it comes out anymore,
I won’t worry about rhyme
Or form.

This is all about the point.
My jumbled ideas, worries
That are coming too quickly to make sense.
Jumping from one stone to the other
Turning from blue, to grey in one fluid motion
Like the sky deciding to storm

I’d really just like you to take my hand,
Practice forgiveness
And we’ll work out this mess together

Because I know you’re real,
And you’re probably all scrambled up too.

-Taylor


I can’t stop, there’s too much here that reminds me of you.

It will always be a mystery
An obvious heartache
A tug and pull, a desire
To have, and to run

It could be cliché
To the untrained eye
Or the boy on the other end
Of this line, a fragile string

But I have to be selfish
Just for a minute
I am my own lifeboat you know
And saving yourself is the hardest thing to do

This adoration, is far too much
Overwhelming me to ask for your everything
Wanting to see how far we can go,
On a single breath

Conflicting ideas set me apart
Fighting over the same thing
Running towards you, and away
Changing direction too fast, dizzy

I should be relieved
That I made my escape
Before you realized my flaws
So maybe when tonight fades, you’ll think I was good

I feel the weight of the stone I left behind
Heavier then ever
Hating that I want you to follow
That I could silently beg for it

So when I leave you, and I turn that corner
And feel the explosion
And see the fragile bits of my life
Flutter slowly down around me, like ash

I’ll wonder what I would feel like
If you were beside me
Would you help me pick it all up
Or would you see my destruction for what it really is

-Taylor

How can I possibly ask you to stay, when the only thing for you to do is watch guard over the wall I’ve put up- to keep you out

There's a certain pounding in my ears
Filled with the obscure thoughts
Firing off in my mind
Bouncing off each other
and changing,
morphing into new ideas
its all these unfinished sparks
that are keeping me up at night
Like, the old dusty roses
Begging me to prove them wrong
But I don't have power over the dead
Its like a one way street,
A car that doesn't go in reverse
Looking ahead,
Only believing in sunrises
Coaxing my mind to accept this absurdity
But i suppose i could go on forever
The thoughts just keep rolling in,
Like a salty ocean, silently beckoning
Always just trying to find an ending
In endless beginnings

-Taylor


The thing about confidence is I’ve had to learn it from others.
What a lucky thing to be born with.

It’s a strange thing
This company we crave
The rehearsing of phrases
And emotions
Forever striving to fit
Into the puzzle

But those inconvenient feelings
Distort our edges
Making us unusable

They cast us aside
And we painfully discover
How tricky this puzzle is.
Straining to crack the code.
Though its all just for show

Oh, but we do want to be beautiful.
So does it matter if all the pieces are unique?
We’re all just looking at the big picture anyway.

-Taylor

There is only one way to do this,
Abruptly.
Irrationally.
You know I won’t let the past repeat itself.
But why are you tempting it?
Allowing chaos a chance.
It’s all I can do, to put up my paper armor.
I can’t trust anything that has a disguise.
Won’t trust the beautiful snake
You think you’re its charmer…
I’m sorry you’re so easily deceived by beauty.
But I can see strength becoming just a novelty
A collector’s item,
Only for the ones rich in will power.
I know desperation isn’t a good look on me,
But I’ve worn it for so long.
And they do say… make an ugly face and it will stick.
I’m sorry to be so sorry all the time,
But my defense is failing me, and time is wearing thin.
Sorry to be sorry.
We’re all just stuck in this unnamed shape that,
Would give me up, if I told its secret
To be fair, here’s a clue
We all get one, one sad truth
Trust is not something I recognize anymore.
Beauty is not something I understand.
And love is a long lost concept.

-Taylor

Did I make it too obvious? Did you know this was for you?