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TJ Feb 19
You can find me running
Racing
From one emotion to another
Restless
Feet twitching the moment I stop
Breathless
I try to gather my thoughts
Panicked
What have I done, What will I do
Pained
My head pounding I can barely stand
Crawling
Attempting to keep moving forward
Crying
Desperate to find some peace
Screaming
I CAN'T BE HERE
… … …
You will find me
Sitting
Quietly, forcing myself still
Practicing
Patience as my bones begin to ache
Breathing
Slowing my manic heart
Calm
Letting go of the ropes that pulled me
Standing
Feeling my feet, firm on the ground
Crying
Grateful to have found some peace
Whispering
I am here now
Bowing
Namaste
TJ May 2018
Hollow
Used
Empty

Still, the pain flashes through my body
The lightning of a storm
Illuminating the demons
That have made their way to the shadows
I trip over the broken soil on the ground
and lose myself to sorrow

I didn't see this coming
I never do
The clouds do not gather and grey
The sky does not darken
The tears begin before I notice them fall
I fail to slow this panicked breathing
Picking apart my last moments...
What was my trigger this time??

Speechless and empty-handed
Soaked from the downpour
Weak from the memories

I lie on the cold floor with my demons
Allow them their attention
Before I start to dig another grave
Shallower than the one before
Eventually, we will part ways
On foot
Or below the dirt

In moments like these
I welcome the latter.
TJ May 2017
You don’t need arrows to pierce the skin
Your grief will do just fine
You don’t need insults to stab the heart
Your disappointment is enough
You don’t need a blade to cut the surface
Your tears will do the job
How can I be your daughter
While I’m being the parent you never had
How can I go to you with my sorrow
When a single tear of my own
Sends you reeling in regret and tears
That out last mine
When my past
Turns into your own nightmare
Your hugs turn into me holding you up
Me holding you together
Comforting you
Trying to bandage your wounds
While my own bleed uncontrollably
And when you are feeling great you say “we” are doing great
And when I’m doing stuff on my own
It’s a good thing for you, because my determination will encourage you
And when you are depressed is it all about you and your pain
And when it is my sorrow
You are the first to shed tears and turn it upon yourself
I’m trapped in this darkness
Drowning in my own
And waves of yours just push me farther down
Suffocating because you keep stealing my breath
Dying because you keep me from healing
You tear away my bandages to place upon yourself
And I let you
I help you with my shaky hands
Hold you with my bleeding arms
Comfort you with the little air I have in my lungs
I let my tears fall into your eyes for you to cry
I tell you the words that I long to hear from you
That I long to feel
“Everything will be ok”
I wish this was true
I warm you with my heart
And you greedily accept
Leaving me cold
Inside and out
You take my emotions
Leaving me numb
Robotic
And you tell me you love me
After you just killed me
And yet you have no idea
How far it has gone
How much you take from me
How much I give to you
I may have placed the poison in your hands
But you are the one who used it on me
Again and again
And now you watch me struggle for life
And you say “I wish I could help”
But deep down you need me
Need me to give up my life so you can live
Need me to keep coming back for the antidote
Only to poison me again
Once upon a time you called me “Your Baby”
But now I have no name
Because like everything else
You have taken it from me…
TJ May 2017
I'm so tired
of your hold on me
You're old
You're fat
You're ****
You will never be anything more to me
and yet here you are
showing up in my dreams
In my mind
these memories
trying to break me down
when You're not even around
You were young
You were wrong
You were ****
And I'm oh so tired
Of your hold on me
I'm not broken
and I WILL NOT break
I won't let you
**** me again
TAKE me again
to that dark place
laced with blood
and scars along the way
You were wrong
You ARE ****
and I will not let you
replace my love for hate
replace my joy for pain
You will NEVER
break me again.
TJ Apr 2016
Here I am
Apologizing again
for waking up
And seeing red.
Bitter and cold
The tears flow
Draining all my energy
Pitifully I blame
Restless hours at night
Weakly I blame
My very being...
Being a girl
Being a woman

Yet no condolences
Are shared from him
For waking in fire
Freezing over into ice
That melts and
Falls endlessly
Down my face
Only questions
From man
About the monthly devil
Or accusations
Of going overboard
Yet again...
No boat is offered
To sit adrift in...
Only my being to blame
My shame
Of being a woman....
I'm not actually ashamed of being a woman, I hope that is not the message that comes across. My hope is to express that there is blame from men of women being over emotional, and we cannot  always control it and by default we blame ourselves for feeling too strongly.
TJ Mar 2016
Light had not yet begun
and still she lie awake

Angrily she stared at her alarm
3 hours till it would sound

Soundly he slept next to her
she listened to his breathing

She felt his warmth
these moments were peaceful and aggravating

Why was her slumber disturbed
while his continued
...
She gave up on sleeping more
only one thing would do now

Coffee....
TJ Mar 2016
in...out
in...out
in....
suddenly i have stopped
"BREATHE!"
my mind yells
...out...
Panic washes over me
like waves eager to be on land
drowning in invisible waters
this storm has formed so quietly
all was calm just moments ago
"Calm"... take another dose
down the hatch
serenity is a small white pill....
entrapment is a small white pill...
mind is screaming
heart is racing
body still as stone
BREATHE
BREathe
BReathe
Breathe... ... ....
in...out
as i wait for the storm to pass
in...out
knowing another is soon to follow
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