I Paint.


Not on a canvas of course
My hand shakes much too much for that
No
I paint in my head.

Masterpieces

Shimmerring towers of impunity
Castles of future conquests and quests.  
I paint everything.

I paint you

You're a lot nicer in my paintings
Maybe I'm just a good painter.

Anyway
These paintings are so realistic
So vivid.
So lifelike.

I see no reason why they should not exist

Because for one I am a great printer.
And for two I am realist.

So I set forth with my brush
Set upon bringing my art to life.

And I am always so close
The broad strokes each stringing together in a cohesive tone.

But still
If you approach it like a Monet
And examine it dutifully
You see it does not match my original masterpiece.

But how is this possible?

I am a great painter

This I know.

Shouldn't I be able to bring my simplest machinations into fruition?

I am a painter sure

If you belive that an architect is a construction worker

I am a painter

But I only build frames
Not Buildings

Depression.
You read about it.
See it on Tv.
I always thought it was a filler.
An quick way to describe a character.
"Oh He's depressed"
Everyone took a slow nod.
And then the show went on.
The character wasn't depressed.
Sad sometimes, maybe.
But that wasn't Depression.
I didn't know that.

I was blissfully unaware as a kid.
Most kids are happy obviously.
But I was something else.
I never stopped smiling.
When people asked me why.
I told them I had no reason not to.
I thought that would always be the case.
I mean why wouldn't it be.
But then time went on and I had reasons.
I kept my smile through it all.
And then one day.
One solemn day.
It just stopped.
I couldn't smile.
Maybe I had crossed some cosmic line.
Regardless I couldn't smile.

Suddenly I had too many reasons not to.
That's fine I thought.
You can be successful without a smile.
So I kept moving forward.
Into a forest that constantly grew darker.
You're still the same person I told myself.
Just because you don't smile anymore.
Doesn't mean you didn't used to.
It was weird.
Happiness only existed to me in forms of nostalgia.
I remembered the golden times.
And thought their existence validated my lack of current ones.
This was the hard part I thought.
It will go uphill one day.
Eventually.
That's how life works.

But that isn't how it works.
It isn't how anything works.
You can't sacrifice your present for your future.
Present sadness does not guarantee future happiness.
Life is a set of greased monkey bars.
Just because you've made it this far.
Does not mean you were meant to make it any further.
So soak in today.
Because it arrived although it wasn't promised.
Don't just smell the roses.
Pick them.
If only to do so before someone else does.
You don't combat Depression by thinking about your potential.
Or reminiscing over your past.
You defeat Depression by remembering.
That today.
You are You.

That's reason enough to smile.

Stop it.

Just stop it.

Stop it with your philosophy.
Your answers
your higher meanings.
Just stop it.

All you talk about is Socrates
you praise his ideology.
Place him on a pedestal of greatness
a shining example of a life lived right.

Where was that ideology
when he hung from the gallows.
What good are one's thoughts
when one's neck fails to connect with itself?

What say you?
Plato is no better.
nonono he is not
the man tasked with carrying on his mentors ideals.
This genius
this beacon of hope.
Spent over 10 pages of his book
explaining why older men should not have *** with younger boys
as if he was trying to convince himself.

Not the reader.

Just stop with it all.

I am not struggling to find myself
I am struggling to find rent money.
My problems are not in my head.
They are in my bank account.

You pine over a greater purpose
like it's some piece of salvation.
You talk of the high pleasures.
You tell me that I have more to gain from sitting and watching an opera
than from ******* a *****.
I don't want to discuss semantics
but I'll talk logistics.
I'll take the latter
not because I love ******
but because I hate the opera.

Pleasure cannot be defined or quantified
My pleasure is solely to see tomorrow.
Something I'm not too confident in right now.
Philosophy is the activity of the man with free time.
But time is not free.
It is expensive and costly.
Those with time don't understand.
Those without it understand it too well.

Love is not my end goal.
A family is not my dream.
A house on a hill would be nice.
But only because of the house.

Not the hill.

So spare me.

Please.

When you tell me about the wonders of the world.
Realize all I have seen lately are alleyways.
Don't tell me about different cuisines.
When I can only afford the dollar menu.
Don't tell me I can be anything I want
when I can't seem to be able to be anything I need.

Life is not limitless.
The soul is not infinite.
Everything has an expiration date.

I just hope mine isn't tomorrow.