I seen that look - that look upon your
face
I'd seen it before, had felt it myself
long ago
It was like seeing an old ghost
A look of pure terror, it crossed your
face
You had to get up and get out, get out
quick
Or else you'd burst
The others sitting there, they didn't see
it
But I did, and what's more, I knew
what it meant.
You'd been to the hospital for another
treatment
But this one hadn't been like the
others
It hadn't gone well, you'd come close,
hadn't you, very close
You'd put all your trust in them, the
doctors
And now they'd let you down, they'd
failed you
Now you thought you were too far out, too far out where no one could ever
reach you
But you know, I could - I could reach
you
You see I'd been there myself in that same dark place, many years before
Yea, I knew because I'd met him too...
the Great Alone.
The others sitting there, it was like "we'll just have another cup of tea and everything will be alright, just like it'd
always been"
But you knew different, you knew things would never be the same again
Even though they were sitting there right next to you, your nearest and
dearest
You knew they'd may as well have
been a million miles away
For all the good they were to you
And for all they knew what you were
going through,
It was all a Big Lie, this "we're all in
this together" crack
We're not! We weren't! truth is we're all in this alone, each and every one of
us
You didn't fit into their cozy little world anymore, you didn't belong
there
So you had to get up and get out, you
had to be alone with yourself.
I waited a few moments before I
followed you out
I found you outside, you were clipping
the hedge
Probably trying to keep busy, keep
your mind off things no doubt,
I wanted to talk to you and tell you I
knew
That I'd been there myself the same as
you
Once long ago lost in a World of Pain, I'd suffered a shock, like a huge blow
to my chest
It laid me out flat on the floor
I thought I'd had a heart attack (maybe I had)
I lay there motionless, the sweat
pouring out of me,
I'd like to say I was brave, that I was
cool, dignified
But no! none of that stuff, I was
******* petrified
I was afraid to take my next breath
'cos I was sure it'd be my last
I thought the strain of drawing it would surely drive me over the edge
I was only young, my life had hardly
begun
But now I was sure it was all over
My health was gone, my life was gone
and there was no way back
I didn't call out, what was the use, I
was all alone and I knew it
No one could help me now.
I never told anyone (it was something
I always kept private)
Sure they'd only have made light of it, wouldn't have believed me anyway.
I survived, I don't know how
And I never forgot it
(It's amazing how the body can bounce back, its resilience
I'd be forever grateful for that).
I wanted to tell you but something
made me hold back
It was like I was afraid, afraid you'd only belittle my experience compared
to yours
That you'd make mine out to be some
kind of joke
Whereas yours was the real deal 'cos
of what the doctors had said
And I thought to myself, I thought "Who can ever really know another person, you can't, no! not really
You can only know your own
experience
You can have fun with someone, be
their companion
But in the end... in the end all roads lead back to the Alone... the Great
Alone.
I told you it was important not to
worry about things
And that there were ways you could do this, control your mind, positive
thinking and the like
I said I knew a good book and that I'd
get it for you
I told you it was important to eat well, no rubbishy stuff, food could be a
medicine
And there were herbal teas as well,
these could help
It was the best I could do,
You wondered how I knew these things, was I wise or something
Me wise you must be joking, I read it
in books, loads of books.
I didn't see you for a while after that,
my own work grew challenging
This and other things took my mind
away from thoughts of you
You used to ring regularly, you were always there at the end of the line
We'd talk of our lives and laugh at
things
(I thought you'd be there forever)
But now, strangely... there was
nothing... silence!
One evening I was thinking of you and
wondering why you hadn't rang
So I decided to ring you
I was surprised when a neighbour
answered the phone
When I asked to speak to you she sounded incredulous "Speak to her!!!
the priest and the doctor are down in the room with her now, she can't speak, she's dying, didn't you know",
A few hours later it was confirmed,
you'd gone, passed away
Gone out into that Great Alone, all by
yourself
Away from all of us, where none could
follow
(Girl you shouldn't have died so
young).
So when it's my time, my turn, just
close the door and let me be
Leave me with the only friend you can
ever really know
The One who stays with you all of
your life
And who'll never leave you...the Great
Alone
The Great Alone.
Written about a relative of mine who died of cancer. She went into remission many times but the cancer kept returning. I didn't know it was terminal, she took us out to dinner a month before she died, I later learned this was her way of saying goodbye. A few weeks later I rang her 'cos she hadn't rang, and that was the very night she died.
