I was always very sure of myself as a child
I believed I was untouchable
Invincible
Indestructible
I used to believe I was never tired and that when I yawned
I did it simply because I could.
I was never tired and as a result of this I never slept.
Not sleeping for most people means no energy
but for me the energy was endless
3
4
5
6 years-old
I can distinctly remember sitting in my first grade class in elementary school.
I was always so distraught by the fact that no one else wiggled and squirmed in their seats.
I thought they were the weird ones.
I remember being pulled from class and into a tiny room filled with monitors and computer screens and lots and lots of headphones.
I was so deeply confused.
It was that day that they labeled me as the weird kid.
It was the next day that they labeled my weirdness.
I never really thought it would change me
in fact I never really thought about it at all
I just woke up and took my pills like I was supposed to
I pretended to be normal
But as a 7
8
9
10 year-old girl, you can only handle so much at once.
I began to be afraid of everything and everything made me angry
I would throw and punch and kick and scream-
Boy, would I scream.
No one ever heard me the way I needed to be heard.
11
12 year-old girls are now able to “think for themselves”
or at least that’s what I was taught.
I was now able to experience the world through my rose colored glasses and man, lemme tell you how beautiful it was. I wanted to be my own person.
Now by the time I was 13, I realized that I had ways to take away the pain that I had. I learned how to steal cigarettes and sneak *****
And then I learned how to drag a blade across my skin.
14 years-old I was seeing the world through my very own blood red lenses and, my oh my, I thought it was great
But as mature as I was, i had never heard the word “dependency” before
and I had no clue what it was
but I’ll be ****** if I told you that I wasn’t dependent on that silver little friend of mine.
My momma began to notice the little tally marks under my sleeve and as it progressed and I obsessed
she became depressed.
I was later checked into a rehabilitation center
but once was not enough.
No one heard me loud enough yet.
2
3
4
5
6
7 stays in various psychiatric hospitals to fix this problem
to fix my dependency
to fix my head.
and the things I’ve learned would blow you away.

As a child, I was always very sure of myself.
that was nearly 16 years ago
and I have since lost every bit of confidence that itty bitty me had
But as the months move on
and as I try to remain strong, well

I can now see that I am now a fully indestructible me.