Recruitment is a difficult job
Surely, everyone knows that
It is like chasing a target of 350 in 50 overs
However, when you are hiring Investment Bankers
The target remains the same
But the pitch, which is a belter as of now
Suddenly acquires a greenish hue
And the ball starts swinging and seaming
One mistake, and you are back to the pavilion
Meanwhile, the asking rate keeps climbing
Thus, the pressure keeps building
Yes, that's how tricky Investment Bankers are
At least as far as India is concerned
However, European Investment Bankers are a different ballgame altogether
The target continues to be the same
As does the nature of the pitch
However, now you have to chase the target in 40 overs!!
Well, you decide to steel yourself
To bat out of your skins
And do manage to hit a few ***** out of the park
However, your joy is short-lived
As you go for one boundary too many
Only to get caught at deep square leg
More and more batsmen follow
And try their level best
To keep the required run rate under control
But the wickets keep tumbling
Meanwhile, your last hope, Hardik Pandya, arrives at the crease
And takes the game by the scruff of the neck
While at the other end, Virat Kohli stands strong
And the pair manage to build a partnership of 100
However, the European I-Bankers end up having the last laugh
As Virat gets run out
While going for a quick single
And Hardik goes for a maximum
Only to get caught
Just inside the boundary line
By now, you know, as do the European I-Bankers
That the game is well and truly up
Unless a miracle happens
Well, all you can say
Is "Better Luck next time"
Also, welcome to the world of hiring European Investment Bankers

In order to achieve results
You need to work hard
That should be easy enough to understand
The difficult part, though
Is how hard you need to work
Especially when it comes to Recruitment
You see, the nature of the profession is such
That you can't predict anything
Because everything depends on people
And every individual is different and unique
In his/her own and special way
Thus, luck is very crucial
When it comes to hiring people
There are times
When you work out of your skins
And still fail to achieve the desired results
Because luck is not on your side
There are also times
When you do the bare minimum of work that's required
And are able to achieve positive results
Because you are kissed by Lady Luck
On both cheeks
These contrasting scenarios are common
When it comes to hiring Investment Bankers
You spend the entire day calling people
But very few show interest
And apart from those who are not keen
There are quite a few
Who don't even bother to answer your calls
Or call you back
There are also some people
Who say "I will think about it and get back"
Either they get back with a negative response
Or they don't get back at all
That is to say, they just disappear!!
Thus, you have to start all over again
And since you also have tight deadlines
You are forced to work almost till midnight
And sacrifice a few hours of sleep as well
Since you have to go to office the very next day
And it does not end there
Your work forces you to stay at office till 7 PM
Almost an hour later than usual
And to add insult to injury
You get a mild reprimand
From the security staff
Of the business centre which houses your office
For not leaving on time
If you thought the worst was over
Then you were wrong
Because you are forced to work on Sunday as well
In order to ensure
That at least one resume is sent to the client
At the start of the week to follow
If only if you had some luck
That is to say
If even one of the candidates who had said "No"
Had said "Yes" instead
Then you'd have enjoyed a weekend free of work
And got some valuable rest in the process
For all your efforts of the previous week
Yes, in order to achieve results
You do need to work hard
But how hard you need to work
Is something that is almost impossible to answer
When it comes to Recruitment
Particularly when you are hiring Investment Bankers

Failure hurts, no doubt
Especially when you are in Recruitment
A profession which depends on people
As much as India used to depend on Sachin Tendulkar
In the late nineties
But you know what hurts more than failure?
Imagine a T20 match
Where your team has dominated
From start to finish
And still managed to end up on the losing side
Due to a couple of bad *****
From your best bowler
In the very last over
Now, apply the same analogy to Recruitment
You have put your heart and soul
Into a particular mandate
Done a thorough search, through various portals
Called up as many candidates as possible
Presented quality profiles to the client
And lined up interviews one after the other
Everything has been worked out
To the tiniest detail
However, at the eleventh hour
The candidate backs out
Thus, you have no choice
But to start all over again
And this happens not once
Not twice
Not even thrice
But a frigging four times
However, you are no ordinary recruiter
You are a recruiter who possesses the heart of a lion
Thus, you prepare yourself for the long haul
Determined to do whatever it takes
To close this mandate, once and for all
And your efforts do pay off
Or at least, they seem to
For the client, it is a choice
Between two worthy candidates
However, as always, there is a hitch
One of the candidates has started showing signs of cold feet
While the other has to take a pay cut
That too a big one
This mandate now hangs on a knife-edge
So, it is not failure that hurts the most
But coming within an inch of success
After months of hard work
Only to have it slip through your fingers
At the very last minute

After a thoroughly enjoyable weekend
Which involved watching an animated science fiction thriller
Followed by a Football World Cup Final
Which turned out to be even more thrilling
I had to face the dreaded prospect
Of returning to work on a Monday
Yes, the notorious villain of the week
Which can ensure sleepless nights
Even for the strongest souls
Well, the day was actually not that bad
To begin with, at least
After a hot bath
Followed by an even hotter cup of filter coffee
Prepared by my dear mother, as ever
I had a simple breakfast
Consisting of a plate of chapatis
Mixed with some rather tangy marmalade
Thus, I was ready
To face the grind of work
Or at least, I thought I was
The reality turned out to be as different
As apples and oranges
It started with a few phone calls
However, the response was not flattering
Thus, I headed to lunch
In the hope of making some progress
In the second half of the day
However, I couldn't have been more wrong
The phone calls failed to achieve their purpose
As I was unable to obtain slots
For the interviews to be scheduled
Moreover, I was dealing with multiple stuff
At the same time
Which proved to be even more difficult
Than obtaining a seat in one of the IIMs
Time was playing a cat-and-mouse game with me
The closer I got to him
The more he would evade me
As the hours flew by
I kept meandering aimlessly
Without achieving anything tangible
By the time I finally got the hang of work
It was already well past 6 PM
And I felt as though I had wasted more time
Than a certain Sunil Gavaskar had done
In his infamous innings of 36 not out, off 175 *****
In the inaugural 1975 Cricket World Cup
Thus, I was thoroughly relieved
When the day finally ended
Returning to work on a Monday
Especially after a thoroughly enjoyable weekend
Is never good
Full stop

Recruitment is an utterly thankless job
Especially if you are handling an Investment Banking role
That too when working in a startup
You spend hours and hours
Searching frantically for candidates
Who possess the requisite skills and experience
Followed by days and days
Speaking to a plethora of candidates
Facing rejection after rejection
Watching your own confidence nosedive
After almost every conversation
And then gritting your teeth and continuing to burn the midnight oil
After you finally manage to share a few relevant resumes
By the skin of your teeth
You breathe a sigh of relief
Knowing that your job is half done
Everything runs smoothly from thereon
Till the offer stage
When the candidate decides to back out
Having received a better offer elsewhere
And you are back to square one
However, you resume the search
With a renewed vigour
And put your heart and soul
Into finding a suitable replacement
Your efforts are duly rewarded
However, misfortune strikes again
The candidate develops cold feet
And gets retained by his present company
You have to go back to the drawing board, yet again
However, you refuse to give up
And work harder than ever
Determined to be third time lucky
Alas! Fate turns its back on you, yet again
The client proves to be a tad too miserly
Thus pushing your candidate away
However, you continue to resist bravely
Against all odds
Determined to prove a point
More to yourself, than anyone else
However, history repeats itself
For the fourth time in a row
And you are left bruised and battered
In the face of a year full of bad luck
Which has brought you a record seven backouts
And all you can do now
Is to pray, and keep praying
For 2022 to end as soon as possible
Recruitment, is indeed an utterly thankless job

These are tough times
As far as Recruitment is concerned
Of course, Recruitment is never easy
Especially when you work in a startup
But a year like 2022
With backout after backout
And consequently rework after rework
Really takes the biscuit
Here I am
Without a single closure
In the last ten frigging months
And thus having my confidence shredded to pieces
One would think
That I badly need a break
In order to recharge my batteries
You, on the other hand
Decided to add to the burden
By assigning me, not one
But three extra mandates
Mandates that are not only difficult
But also rather time-consuming
And require dealing with a client
That has tested our patience
On multiple occasions
And on top of that
I have to come to office as well
Of course, it is all smooth sailing
As far as the onward commute is concerned
Thanks to the ever reliable AC local
The return, however, is a different ballgame altogether
Because you always make me late
Thus, I never manage to catch the AC local
And by the time I reach home
I end up hating you to the core
You are lucky magic doesn't exist
Because if it did
You would have been dead a long time ago
I would have seen to that
Anyway, coming back to reality
I have always been tolerant
But, as my grandfather would say
There is a limit to everything
And if you are expecting me to work on Saturdays as well
You are exceeding that limit
And then I will have no choice
But to leave, once and for all
As I've already mentioned
I have always been tolerant
However, my tolerance now runs thin

After hours and hours
Days and days
Weeks and weeks
And months and months
Of sheer hard work
You would have hoped
To achieve at least one closure
In a year
That has been disappointing at best
And abysmal at worst
With backouts becoming as common
As India beating Pakistan in a Cricket World Cup
However, Lady Luck disappoints you
For the third time in a row
As the sheer miserliness of your client
Pushes your candidate away
And it is ultimately you
Who ends up being the loser
But that's not the worst part
The worst part is
Having to start all over again
With a rather limited pool of candidates
Still, it is not in your nature to give up
Especially after having come this far
So, you make a concerted effort
To find fresh candidates
And after a lot of searching
Followed by a lot of calling
You finally land a good candidate
But the client rejects him in a flash
Undeterred, you continue searching
However, the already limited pool of candidates
Starts shrinking rapidly
And just when you're about to lose hope
You manage to find a decent profile
However, the client rejects this as well
Quicker than the speed of light
And with every rejection
Your confidence dips
Slowly but surely
Until you can stand it no longer
And scream at the top of your voice
"Investment Banking Hiring Is Not For Me!"

You have no idea
Absolutely no idea
About the amount of work
That goes into closing a position
Especially if it is an Investment Banking role
Scouring portal after portal
In order to hunt down the right candidates
Making call after call
And subsequently facing rejection after rejection
However, as we all know
"There is always light at the end of the tunnel"
So, you somehow find a way
Yo snag some decent candidates
Who may not be "perfect"
But fit the role well, nevertheless
When the closure ultimately happens
You heave a huge sigh of relief
Knowing that your hard work has paid off
However, there is a twist in the tale
The candidate receives another offer
Which turns out to be more lucrative
Than the one provided by your client
And he gladly takes it
Therefore, you are back to square one
Of course, backouts are common nowadays
So, you work harder than ever
Determined to turn things around
And your efforts are duly rewarded
However, just when you are sure
That nothing can go wrong this time
The candidate develops cold feet
And chooses to stay in his present company instead
Boom! Just like that
Your hard work has gone down the drain, yet again
But you refuse to give up
Believing that it will turn out to be a case of "third time lucky"
However, as always, you are wrong
This time, the candidate is genuinely interested
But the client is too stingy
Thus pushing the candidate towards taking up a better offer
And you are left in the lurch, as ever
The only difference being
That this time, there will be no comeback

After a rather enjoyable holiday
During which I had loads of fun
Playing my favourite mobile video game
Reading an Agatha Christie ****** mystery
And last but not the least
Having a long afternoon siesta
I was ready to resume work
Even if it meant going to office
Which involved a long commute
By the dreaded Mumbai locals
Well, getting to Dadar was not an issue
However, it was then
That my troubles started
There was a wait of ten minutes
Followed by a bit of chaos
As I barely managed to board the train
Getting thoroughly squeezed in the process
By the time I reached office
I was drenched in sweat
The second summer of Mumbai
Having well and truly begun
Things did not improve
As I started work
I was really hoping
That my hard work over the last few days
Would eventually pay off
However, I was in for a shock
With every call I made
My confidence nosedived
As candidate after candidate
Failed to pick up the phone
Those who did respond
Were either not interested
Or didn't possess the requisite skills
After a rather welcome break
In the form of an excellent lunch
Packed by my mother
I was hoping to turn things around
However, the status quo remained
And by the end of the day
I had drawn a blank
As far as my CV count was concerned
Thus, it was quite a relief
To leave the office behind
And return to home sweet home
Of course, there was the small matter
Of the return commute
To be taken care of
And once again, Fate showed its hand
As Dadar continued to be the centre of chaos
And I kept missing local after local
While waiting for an AC local
That eventually never showed up
Thus, I was forced to board an ordinary local instead
Thankfully, it was all smooth sailing
At least until Ghatkopar arrived
And I was squeezed once more
This time though, it was brutal
Luckily, the next stop was mine
And the icecream that I had
At a shop just outside the station
Was sufficient compensation
For whatever damage Ghatkopar may have caused
Mental as well as physical
After a rather uneventful auto ride
I was home at last
And I must admit
That however good or bad the day may have been
It has at least given me the inspiration I needed
To write this poem

What do you really want from us?
We've been working our arses off
For hours and hours
Days and days
Weeks and weeks
Months and months
And we've faced numerous obstacles along the way
Obstacles placed by the market
By the candidates to whom we've been speaking
And by even yourselves!!
In spite of all these hurdles
We've done our best
To ensure that you get the right people
For the requirements you've assigned us
However, the way in which you reciprocate our actions
Is bewildering, to say the least
As far as decision-making is concerned
You're even worse than Hamlet!
You reject a lot of quality resumes
Without any rhyme or reason
You change your requirements
As per your whims and fancies
And then cry foul
When you lose a few good candidates
Due to your inexplicable actions
You put roles on hold at random
And keep the best candidates on tenterhooks
Waiting for an interview that'd never happen
And then blame them for dropping out eventually
You demand resumes at the speed of a cheetah
And provide feedback at the speed of a tortoise
All in all, you ensure that we tear our hair out
By its very roots
Every waking moment of our lives
In order to satisfy every whim of yours
But will you truly ever be satisfied?
Let me ask you again
What do you really want from us?