I’ve waited so long to talk to you.
I’ve messaged you and have waited
to hear back from you.
I am still waiting.
At this point, time isn’t a factor.
Even if I never hear anything,
I still will wait.

The closest I get to you now
is an algorithm.
Social media suggests you
as a new friend.
As much as I would love that—
to start over and pretend,
as painful as it sounds,
to love you in restriction,
trapped by some border,
like we’re strangers.

I stare at your picture and never
swipe the notification away.
In a way, it feels like old times.
The only thing missing is your voice.
You’re with me when I go to work,
you’re with me when I am in the car.
But nothing lasts forever.
By the time I wake up,
the notification is gone,
the screen is empty,
and you’re gone.

But your eyes—
the way that you smile—
have not left my memory.

I suppose I should be satisfied
with what I have now.
I’ve tried,
but I am not

When I am around you,
I feel heavy.
Everything that normally bothers me
isn't a concern anymore.
Not that it's not there,
it just softens
a whole lot.
In fact, everything softens
when I am around you.

In time, even blankets can warm
the coldest of beds,
and that's what you are to me;
a blanket so thick,
you just fall into it and sink,
You drape across me.
Your breath filling the air of my ears,
warm, soft
one of the best blankets I've been
wrapped up in my whole life.

After a few minutes, I am asleep
inside you.
My bones, my worries,
everything fades away.
Your warmth, my everything

I don't like the crumbs,  
But I eat them anyway.  
I eat them like they're whole,  
As they are the best part to me.
They are always there.
Like a man who's instead  
Learned to fish
There's more
to be had,  
Saving the rest for later.

I take slow, small, deliberate
bites,  
Like a goldfish,  
Mostly inhaling water,  
Saving the bigger pieces
for you.

Although they're all mine,  
They taste better, knowing  
That I've shared them with you.  
No matter how far these crumbs  
Drift apart,  
Whether you eat them fast  
Or you eat them slow,  
There will always be something left  
To swim around
in your stomach.

I am afraid to close my eyes  
And miss the moment you  
Savor it all.  
I could tell you that I've saved  
The best part
for you,  
Knowing that it's all I have to give.  
My hands are only so big

Like an old lover,
I press my lips on the mouthpiece,
And I blow.
I blow until my lungs are about give out.
I blow until the beads of stardust twinkle.
The air tastes like rust.
Still, I play.
I may not have learned all the notes
On this blue saxophone,
But still, I play what sounds good to me.
The air rolls over me like a dream
One I didn’t have the good sense to
stay asleep and finish.

The red dust longs
For thicker air,
Burning with everything that it knows
The taste of its name,
The hunger of its touch,
The pull of something stronger
Than us both.
If silence comes from a mouth,
It is still felt, regardless of whether
It has arms.
Mars, a girl that history got wrong,
wisps through the red dust.
Whether I stay here on Mars,
Return to Earth, or go somewhere different,
You never forget the way breath
Feels against your skin.
Never.

I continue to press my lips on
The mouthpiece,
I blow until my lungs are about give out.
I play what sounds good to me,
Whether it’s old or new.
Love is still love,
No matter how cold it gets

You're beside me,  
And everything is fine.  
It doesn't really matter  
What we do outside of this.  

I ask what you want to watch,  
Scrolling through my DVDs.  
You smile and point,  
Even if it's something I don't want  
To watch. I watch because it's an extension  
Of you.  

Knowing me, I'll pick something  
Stupid that'll make us laugh.  
When the screen flickers,  
You light up.  
We laugh and we talk,  
Catching everything that makes  
It interesting.  

Most of the time,  
I only laugh because you're laughing.  
You really don't know how beautiful  
Your smile is.  
Even when the movie is over,  
The taste of your lips  
Makes it worthwhile.  
Just this, being with you.  
It's not about the movie at all.  
The DVD may spin,  
The world may swirl around,  
But beside you, time stands still.

My bones ache from all  
the cleaning I've done.  
I've cleaned up all the dust  
and finally hit the floorboards that  
I always tell myself that I’m going to clean.  
The patches in my life that always seem to be going right, until I look closer.

I've picked up and sorted through  
all the clothes I've let pile up  
on the couch.  
The clothes that have waited  
for someone to come in and take  
the place of.  
I've cleaned between the cracks  
of the tiles in the kitchen  
and scrubbed down the walls  
Of my heart.  
Although I am tired, I still keep going.  
I haven't felt  
this way in a long time.  
I feel alive,  
making room in my heart for someone new.  

I've gotten rid of  
all the things that I thought  
held meaning in my life.  
The ghost of the person I thought  
I was, now in the trash.  
I hear him screaming,  
waving his hands around, asking hey what happened.
I am making room for you in my heart
with every intention  
of hoping that you'll stay.  
Or at the very least, leave a part of you  
With me.  
I've cleaned between the cracks  
of the tiles in the kitchen  
and scrubbed down all the walls,
Even the parts behind the furniture.

I am ready, whenever you are  
comfortable enough to move in.
I'll even help unpack

It's crazy how someone
Can come into your life
And crack you open,
Like an egg on the edge
Of the counter.
Everything that you thought was
Perfect,
Leaking out from the edges
Of what you knew.

You find out how much of yourself
Spreads out and fills the empty space
What you felt, what you feel.
The pain of change.
They love you fully,
Even the shell of who you were
Before they came in.
They whisk you around
And show you how beautiful life
Can truly be.
Their love, the salt and pepper,
Sprinkled across the fried edges
Of your soul.

It's crazy how someone can come
Into your life,
And you lie helpless on the skillet
Of their heart.
The most important thing to remember
Are the memories.
Loving them with everything you gave

Nothing fits right anymore,
like trying to walk in shoes three sizes too small.
I feel each step, my toes crumbled up,
crunched in the toe,
I walk crooked, trying to find any bit of relief.
But it’s never enough.
Tight in the places that matter most,
pinched and cramped, like the space you left behind.
The more I try to follow,
the more I feel like I'm in the wrong.

When I take them off,
I feel the ache of crooked blisters.
Red and bruised heels,
But I cannot walk around without shoes.
I understand that you can’t make everything in life work,
but that doesn’t stop me from trying.
These shoes drag the weight of good intentions,
and I trip over everything.

I’ve been to different stores,
but the shoes they offer fit too loose.
I try to walk, but the shoes don’t bend.
A normal five minute walk
expands into hours.
Too wide to make a complete trip
Without pain,
nothing fits right anymore
outgrown, worn, too tight.
Everyone points and laughs at a man
With shoes three sizes too small.
Who am I to chase

The weight of who I am without you sets in.
I am lost in a world without you.
All I have are these shoes that I cannot fill
without you

At first
My abuser dresses like a prince on a white horse
Speaks like a true gentleman
And keeps tabs on all my fears and discomforts
'cause he "cares"

Than
He smiles for the camera while twisting my arm under the table
He means "well"
He convinces me that my pale and expressionless face is more beautiful than ever

In the end
For a good while I confuse my weakened heartbeat and the numbness running through my veins for the "calmness"

But than
In the pitch black of the reality
I see a diminishing flame flickering inside me
In its light
My dreary reflection reassembles a way out

I don't know how you do it
It's like you can read my mind
Even in those days when I feel
My head is as busy as time square in the middle of a beautiful summer night