I honestly hate myself as a whole. everything I’m made up of. I hate the fact that I let people influence me so ******* much. how they say “oh you should listen to this because I like it.” or “you should do this thing because I enjoy this thing.” it drives me insane. I’m such a people pleaser. I rely on what other people think of me. maybe they would like me more if I was more like them. why does it seem like I am a mosaic solely made up of a bunch of different people? When I was a six year old little girl why couldn’t I have chosen to be my own self instead of following all the other little boys and girls around mimicking them, watching what they did, like a was some sort of robot programmed to learn their ways and fit in. Along with being a people pleaser I hold a lot of things in. I’m always making sure everyone else is okay. Putting others before myself has always been something I’ve done. I enjoy it though because it makes me feel accomplished. I just want to be… perfect. beyond perfect. The athletic, brilliant. stunning, skinny, flawless girl. From striving to be this person that I’m absolutely not, the person that nobody is, I have developed…things. While people notice my never ending battle to be faultless, they say,” why do you do this? no one is perfect you need to accept that.” I think in my mind,” really? you think that I don’t know that? you think that I want to be some control freak that needs everyone’s approval to survive?” All I honestly want is peace. Peace and to be myself. But how am I  supposed to be myself whenever I never was myself? How am I supposed to just drop everything I know? like I’m sorry that I’m so determined to make everyone around make happy whether I know them or not, whether they care or not. Does anyone understand me? Its truly a tragic misfortune. But I need my peace once and for all…