Dear Trevor Matthew May,
One day far from now, you'll look back on this. You might read it once and shove it in the top right drawer of your desk, or you might re-read every single line till you have it memorized. Maybe you'll take a quick glance at it and blur all the words together to make just one black shadow on the paper. At least it will make you think of me...
Once i told you, that the moon makes me think of you. I remember when i thought that. I was sitting on my back porch smoking a cigarette with Lewis Watson "sink or swim" playing in the background. Which we decided that was our song. The moon was just a sliver through the evergreen trees. And thats how i saw you. Even the slightest part of you was so bright that it shined through evergreen trees and warmed my cold heart. Your heat has spread through me like wildfire and there's not much ice left in my body.
I know that your sneezes come in pairs, when one comes, there's always another. I know that you crinkle your nose every few minutes and that your mouth twitches into a small curve when i whisper your name. I know where your sensitive spot is, right below your belt. I glide my hand along your happy trail and your body wriggles and squirms then you burst out in laughter as i hold your face a kiss you till your still.
I used to think that life was this huge ball made of glass that i could throw at the wall and watch it shatter. I used to think that it was all pointless and that nothing lasted forever and it would soon be over. I remember holding death in the palm of my hand. Just a few simple pills that could end everything. As they were starring back at me i realized i couldn't leave, not just yet. I needed to stay, not for myself but for the people around me. I thought that maybe no one would care if i was gone, and maybe they still wont. But i couldn't take the risk. People say suicide is selfish but people don't understand the thoughts running through a suicidal persons mind.
Your eyes are brown with hidden specks of gold flakes in them, they shine golden on a sunny day with the lights just right. I think i fell in love with your eyes because theres this quote from a book that i hold dearly to my heart, "as dawn goes down today, nothing gold can stay." Your eyes remind me of that because some days your eyes are gold and others they're this dark gloomy brown thats warm and comforting. Nothing golden can stay just like the flakes in your eyes or the sun, it always dies for the moon.
I saw you in a crowded room full of people everyday for a year. Sitting in the same classroom, barely knowing each other. I saw your curly brown hair and your smile when you laughed, i noticed the way you move your hands and the way your eyes shifted to mine, everyday i saw you, barely able to say your name. Anxiety was a prison back then, who would have known you would be the one that i fell in love with.
There are moments when i doubt that you love me, there are times when i feel to ahead of myself and i know I'm not ready. But there's never a dull moment with you, its always something and thats when i know i love you. I remember the first time we "tried" to make love to one another. It was a complete disaster, we laughed and giggled at the way our bodies lined up, and your chin hit my forehead and then you'd kiss it to make it feel better, or when we would laugh so hard our belly ached and when we kissed and our lips made the **** like sound.
But i remember the time we did make love, i could feel you, every single part of you. Buried deep inside me, i felt you. I felt us, just one being, one person. I remember crying afterwards because im emotional and i cant handle big things or change. I remember you whispering in my ear, "this will be your real first time". And in that moment i knew, you would be the one to break me. With all your love and all your heart, it would shatter me to pieces in one soft moment.
Theres gonna be times when I'm sad and i don't know why, there will be times when i just want to cry myself to sleep. Its this chemical in my brain that makes me sad, its just an unbalanced chemical. Im sorry that i cant always be happy. I wont always be the person you want me to be, and for that i am deeply sorry. I want to be the one that will always make you happy, but sometimes i just cant. I promise you that i will always try my hardest. I will try to make you happy and show you how much i love you, i will try to show you that you are the one.
I could see the fear in your eyes. Screaming at me setting my heart on fire and turning my blood to ice. I felt your breathless soft voice on my neck, "I can't loose you." I felt my stomach turn and wrench when a tear dropped from your eyes and slid silently down your cheek, dropping onto your shirt. I pulled you closer and held you as i knew in my heart that i couldn't let you go.
Love,
Rachael
