Remembering oats at bedtime,
a little light pops on.
The mind races,
frantic about the decision.
Act.
10 minutes, Hell in 2
a downward spiral
assaults my mood.
Should have remembered
should have done this sooner for rest.
Distracted. Lazy
Insufficient.
STOP!
Hands working swiftly,
be mindful.
The rabbit runs a maze,
give it way to light.
Get lost in the goodness that you do.
for you.
Let your fingers move with love.
The sustenance you create.
Store it away.
As I lay my head to rest
it sets,
a smile fires through my brain.
Chemicals brew a joy that fills my limbs
fulfillment in my day.
This is manic high.
The intoxication of my last act,
the will to steal a moment
and prepare the coming dawn.
Pride.
Should those demons start to speak
raining blood and black on my resolve,
I remembered oats
and shan't be weak.
I recently began therapy to attempt to make sense of the emotional chaos that had been my life up to this point. In addition to anxiety, hypoglycemia can rule my moods so learning to build structure for myself goes a very long way in preventing & managing both sugar & mood drops.
After lazily binging Spawn for most of the night once my boyfriend came home, I realized I hadn't done the prep work to get my work week started right & was starting to beat myself up & get stressed because I needed to get to bed but what the **** do I do? So I took the 15 minutes & did it. I shut up the negative self talk by falling in love with the vibrant colors of the fruit & thinking gratitude for having taken the time for myself, that ultimately would make the next day easier. If I dropped, if I didn't get a lunch break to come home, whatever came up, my breakfast & lunch were taken care of & this would strengthen & armor me for the coming day. I went to bed so proud & elated that for a moment I was at a high, simply buzzing with the having the fortitude to push through that anxiety in my head. My boyfriend, that most helpful dominant push at times, initially was the one to tell me to cook the oats. It was that permission almost, to ease my mind & support the notion. Dealing with my inside voice & energy was the challenge & it was gratifying to have overcome it. I'm learning & trying & working hard to be my best. The words were coming to me & felt fun & free & its relieving to share them.
