i haven't been telling you my real feelings for a while now.
you've been going through so much yourself.
and you say i make it all about me.
i hate seeming selfish and needy.

but right now;
i need you.
maybe as much as you need me.

i don't want you to read this until your schedule clears.
because i don't want to be a pain.
but i'm scared- so deeply afraid.
and so so deeply alone.

my mind is getting darker
and my anxiety is consuming me
my fear of
displeasing you
seems to grow
and constantly come true.

it's like
your anger
is all that
i think of;
displeasing you
is all that
goes through my head.

seeing you upset with me
makes me wish i were dead.

i'm not okay.
and you get upset with me quite often now-
have you realized the way
i've submitted and obeyed?
in my mind the shackles of slavery
jingle.

until this point
i never felt this way
where
you were
in control of me
and your happiness
and validation
was all that mattered to me.

it's becoming
master & slave.
it wasn't meant to
be this way.
when you smile at me
or say hello-
i feel like you're doing me a favor.

i'm not blaming you
but i'm getting afraid.
i'm reaching out to you.
this is the only way.
i can see of speaking to you.
because i'm too afraid to say.
what's in my heart.
and mind.
and the fear.
which consumes.
me.

what once was freedom
now feels like chains;
i love you
sounds like
mercy.

it's not your fault
there's something wrong with me
and i know it's
hard for you to see
but
i'm fading
and my love
for you
is turning
dangerous
for me.

help me.
please.