I remember the moment I saw you. I remember thinking, "Wow, he's cute." When you first opened your mouth, your voice was wonderful. When we had our first conversation and you made me smile way too much. I remember when we decided to grab a coffee and I couldn't contain my thoughts, ha what's new. I remember how straight up I was, " You're very attractive." And how straight up you were right back, " Wow really, I think you're really attractive too." The cute smiles that were then exchanged. When you tied my shoes and I called you doll face and you hated it. When we saw each other the next day and couldn't contain our flirtatious smiles. When you gave me a ride home and told me you'd pick me up at 6. We were going out for pizza. When you arrived and waited at my doorstep. Smiling right as we saw each other. I remember when we got lost trying to find the pizza place. "Left?" "No right!" We were a mess, but a cute mess. We jammed to some music, did a little dancing and lots of laughing. We ate pizza. Probably too much pizza. And again I couldn't contain my words, and we ended up saying how distracting the other was. We laughed at how straightforward of a person I was. Then we grabbed a coffee, and I invited you back over. We got to my house. Sat there. And talked. Talked about life. Talked about random pointless things. Talked about us. 2 hours passed, we had spent the whole day together. We took cute pictures and funny videos, and yet we didn't get tired of each other, I actually wished you would have stayed longer. I remember the next day was the last day Id see you. It was a day I knew I would dread. We spent the day together, and I remember this most vividly. A gust of wind made my hair go insane. Which made you laugh ever so hard. Then later you said, my hair looked so perfect in the wind it was like a hair model. Me being me, I of course said "with the perfect model or course" and flipped my hair completely joking with you. Until you turned to me. And said, "you are the perfect model. "I blushed and laughed and had no idea what to say. I remember how silent the car ride to take me home was, because we knew it was the last time we would be together. We didn't want to say goodbye. And somehow I managed to ask you if you wanted to come over until dinner. You looked at me and said, "Do you want me to?" Bluntly I answered, "Yes" and you said words that made me so happy, "Good because I really wanted to" I Remember you came over and we stood in the kitchen for what seemed like forever. Until you Came and stared into my eyes, I told you how cool your eyes were, and you said one of the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me, "Your eyes are so blue, and they're almost as beautiful as you!" I looked at you and smiled, I remember the feeling of sadness rush over me, because this was it, we wouldn't be together again. It became dinner time. And you had to leave, we walked through the the hallway, where I had to have you in my arms. I grabbed your arm, and pulled you in. Your heart was beating amazingly fast. And it made me happy and yet so sad. I knew I was going to miss you so much. I remember you telling me how much you were going to miss me. We got to the door and I gave you one last hug, and one very final goodbye.

But now. I remember how much you probably don't miss me. How much all of that feels like a dream. Because where are you now? We don't even talk. You must have moved on, because I remember we talked everyday for weeks, and then we just stopped. I remember how much I said I was going to miss you, I was right. I miss you so much. You were so real. You were so amazing. And now you're so. Gone. And I wonder all the time, If you miss me.

I thought there was something about a cigarette
I started smoking because I was fascinated by the power it has on some people like my old man, or you
“It calms me down” you said
“It’s my escape” you said, and the other clichés I’ve been hearing you whined about
And you know, I just nodded and shrugged to each of your excuses
But last night
Last night was different.
When we sat skin by skin,
I could feel your breath on my neck
My ribs collapsing to the thought that you’d leave your scent all over me
Your fingers leaving traces on my arm
And I said to myself you were the most beautiful thing that ever happened to me
I was losing my mind trying to understand yours and
It hit me.
It was not about the cigarette
It was about you
It’s always been about you, actually
It is the way you put your Marlboro Red between your fingers
It is the way you put it between your lips
It is the way you inhale and conflate all the shining stars inside you with chemicals that will **** you in age sixty two
It is the way you bite it, writhing in such disappointment because we both know, we both know **** well that the universe treats us wrong
It is the way you get so addicted to it to notice you’ve been my favorite addiction since that first “hey”
It is the way I find you in the most comely form as you exhale and I watch the smoke lilt its way to the dark night sky
It is the way you stare at me when you smoke every eight in the evening in your balcony facing down the concrete jungle I adore the most, with rage in your eyes, yet I find it fetching in every possible way
It is the way you smell like tobacco in the next dawn but all I can think about is how much I love you
And just like the other nights,
You’d come to me as a storm
Screaming it was just a little dalliance
Screaming it was all a mistake.

How was that  a mistake when I find myself in front of your door every single day again and again and again and again and again and again?
How was that a mistake when you open up your door every single day again, and again, and again?

Baby,
*Love was never a mistake.