I’ve always seen the world
Through rose-colored glasses
Teal glitter
Sunflowers and Baby’s Breath-
Something happy
Unflawed
And beautiful

Then you died.

The rosy lens shattered
Piercing my eyes
Drawing blood and tears,
Scouring the oceanic glitter
Staining the flowers
Forcing them to wilt.

Killing them as you were killed.

Gutting me of every sense
Of security I possessed
Clogging my veins
And fraying my nerves
Until I was so devoid of sensation
And stripped down
I became empty and numb

except
the numbness wasn’t terrible
It was bearable-
Comfortable and safe
Sustainable and sustaining
I fell in and out of love,
pushed myself harder than usual,
Isolated myself  
I didn’t care that was painful-
At least I could hurt
In a less tragic
And obvious way.

And to keep you with me?

I pulled all the photos of us
Out of the dusty album
That lives in our basement-
the pictures began to leave
The ghostly scent
of flowers on my skin

I re-read old letters, cards, and texts
Called your phone even though I knew
You wouldn’t answer-
I found specks of dusty blue glitter
Accumulating in the corners of my room
Between bed sheets
and at the bottom of my bathtub

Then I cried
When no one was there
When it hurt the most to miss you
When I wouldn’t cause a scene-
The tears washed my eyes raw
But that rosy hue
Never returned

through this shattering
through this torture
through this tragedy

I began to realize what it meant
To love someone
And not realize how centra
l they are to your life
Until they’re not here anymore
They can’t hug you
and tell you its going to be okay
You won’t ever see them smile
You will never be able to them you love them
And hear them say it back.

They are gone.
And you can’t do anything about it.