You know I'm a simple human, I don't worry about much except for school, and food, and work opportunities, and the future in general.
And the future is big, it's one of my personal biggest fears, connected to my fear of the unknown.
I like to know when and where things happen and why. Needless to say, I'm an organized person.
I don't worry about much.
Sorry, I lied, I worry way more than I used to.
I can't do much of anything without needing confirmation and reassurance that I'm gonna be okay.
Mostly because I'm not okay.
Sorry, I shouldn't do this.
I do this thing where everything I write becomes about the same sorry tragedy, starring me as the main character.
But far from any kind of protagonist.
My best friend texts me and asks me if I'm doing okay, and I tell them "I don't want to talk about the end of the world".
At least, that's what I would say if I had a best friend.
Sorry, am I lying too much? There's only been two lies, and that's too much on the record for most people so just don't stop to address my mouth, just walk away in hopes that I might shut up.
When I was a kid, it becomes the end of the world when a classmate lets the entire class know who your crush is. And that sinking feeling that happens when I wonder if Jason would like a girl like me.
So yeah, the world's ending. But 10 years later Jason turned into a *******, so it's not that big of a deal.
If you believe in multiple dimensions, any one of those worlds could end just when the story gets good, like a cliff hanger that never gives you closure, or when a song cuts off because your phone died.
Like popping the question and before deciding to spend the rest of your life with someone you might love forever, the world splits in two and you fall away.
The world ends.
I want to live to answer that question like the world won't end until it has an answer from me. But somedays, even I'm indecisive.
When a test score comes back and it's just below what you wanted or needed it to be, the world ends.
When you put on your seatbelt on before your first driver's exam, the world ends.
When there is only one Oreo cookie left in the package, the world definitely ends.
December 21st, 2012, we were so convinced the world was gonna end, we made a movie about it that only managed to get 39% on Rotten Tomatoes.
And where was I the night before?
In karate class. My sensei standing before the class, shrugging it off saying "So the world's ending tomorrow... let's do some work".
The world goes on.
But when I woke up successfully the day after doomsday on the 22nd, I was surprised to be alive. Because what is any average kid supposed to think?
I was scared. But we continued on to Christmas anyway.
2017 comes along and we have yet another eclipse, one of many passed and yet to come.
I did not look up to see the sky shining of falling, my heart couldn't take it.
I am told, it is a sign. A link in the long chain of events leading up to coming of the Anti Christ, to the ends of the earth as we know it.
I have woken up countless times more scared of the ground falling out from under me than the sky falling onto me. I don't need alien invasions, or nuclear war, or acid rain, or killer volcanoes, or my own depression because the world is ending, and I don't want to talk about it.
They ask, "You're a Christian aren't you? Why are you scared? Of death, or the end, or anything?".
Being religious, and afraid are two worlds I'm told are never meant to touch, but yet they are still ending. I still haven't read the book of Revelation like a "Good Christian" Because I'm afraid of scaring myself. The world is going to end!
I did have a best friend.
Or at least, I treated them that way.
They said, "Death, is just another adventure. that's why I'm not scared of it."
I ruined my friendship with them about 8 months ago.
I haven't spoken to them in...
I'm sorry. I can't remember.
But suddenly it feels like the first grade crush reveal all over again.
But it's different now.
Someone has left me.
And it hurts.
The world is ending...
And I don't want to talk about it.
And I'm scared.