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Lauren Sep 2019
I want to see me through your eyes,
Disguised as smart, as strong, as funny, as beautiful.  
All these things you say I am.
All these things I say I’m not.

I look in the mirror and hate what I see.
But I love you, and you love me.
And I know I can’t live on this way
So even if it doesn’t happen today
I want to try to see me through your eyes.
Lauren Jul 2019
I’ve been duckin’ cupid
He aint got zip on me
I’ve been duckin’ cupid,
But don’t tell anybody

This heart of mine is off the market
It’s seen too much wear and tear
I’m done with his bad aim
I’m done with his affairs

My heart’s been stricken by his arrows
One too many times
But I refuse to be a girl
Who sits at home and pines

So I’ll keep duckin’ cupid
And put armour ‘round my heart
Shut out love, lock out the world
So no one sees my scars

I’ve been duckin’ cupid
He won’t get zip on me
As long as you keep my secret
Give me your guarantee

Cause I’ve been duckin’ cupid
It’s better don’t you see?
If we duck him together,
then we can both be free

Just tell me one thing though please
before we hit the road
Did you mean it when you told me that
your heart was mine to hold?

‘Cause I’ve been duckin’ cupid,
But he’s caught up with me.
I’ve been duckin’ cupid,
But I’ve finally come to see.

All my heartbreaks led me here
To my past I say adieu
I’ve been running from his love
To fall in love with you.
Lauren Jul 2019
I find myself paddling against the current.

Those ahead ask why I am falling behind.
Those behind don’t see how every stroke wears me down.

It takes everything I have just to stay afloat.
"We began this race after you and have already overtaken you, how pathetic."

I want to give up.
"You have to keep going, you’ve already made it so much farther than us!"

I want to be better.
"Then BE better."

I don’t have the strength.
"You wouldn’t have made it this far if you weren’t strong!"

I worry the current is stronger than I am.
"It is no stronger than ours surely."

My canoe strains against the pressure.
"Your canoe is a GIFT, you mustn't waste it!"

I close my eyes for the briefest of spells, try to steal just a moment of rest.
As I reopen them… I realise that it’s gone.
My goal. What was my goal again?

I have been paddling in this current so long...
Where was I going again?

All I remember is the agony of each stroke,
The words of condemnation for my failures
The presupposition of my achievements.

"You’re a disappointment, you should give up."
"If you give up, you will be a disappointment."

"You’re not good enough to be here."
"You’re too good not to be there."

"Look at your failures!"
"Focus on your accomplishments!"

My canoe breaks, and I am plunged into the icy waters of uncertainty.
I have forgotten what my own voice sounds like.
I need to hear it.
I open my mouth to remind myself, but nothing comes out.
Instead, the current consumes me; inside and out.
What could have been and what could never be are gone.

I am gone.
Lauren Jul 2019
In the depths of sleep, where improbable comes alive,
Where fantasies unfurl and our wildest reveries do strive,

No, I’d never dreamed of you.

The eyes I’d dreamed were azure; vibrant drops, matching sapphires,
Framed like lovely rose bushes with long lashes like briers.
But your eyes are burnt umber, pools of darkness yet they shine,
A synthesis of tenderness and humor by design,

But I’d never dreamed of you

I’d imagined locks of gold, corn silk glinting all aglow.
Flowing tresses without waves; straight as arrows from their bows.
But your tresses are russet, luscious curls like untamed vines,
Dancing in the summer breeze, begetting longing and repine.

Still I’d never dreamed of you.

I’d dreamed up arms to hold me, but they’d depart when I’d wake.
Dream hands could not swipe my tears; impart solace past daybreak.
You’re not what I expected, envisioned or sought after,
But each day in your presence, sates me with blissful laughter.
Yes, dreams cannot construct one’s life; cannot return one’s love,

So though I’d never dreamed of you,
your love was quite enough.
Lauren Jul 2019
Echoing, echoing. My howls rebound from the void.
Not even the all consuming spanse of nothingness desires feast upon heart’s laments
Dejected, I am alone.
Where can one such as I, one from whom all shy and to whom all cast their backs, find even a breath of solace?
For a single breath of peace is what I crave, nay, what I require.
I think that I could continue on with this wretched and scattered existence with a single breath.
Or maybe I am mistaken.
Perhaps a breath would fan within me a more consuming hunger.
One which wishes to seize all air, abscond all breaths, until my fire burns out, leaving only dying embers in its wake.
Maybe that is the only fate left for me;
My fate is to devour all who would not pardon me even a glance of acknowledgment.
Ravage these abject lands, leaving neigh but cinders in my wake.

— The End —