My bones have starting aching lately
Just at the very thought of you
Like the coldest winter nights
And none of my sweaters
Have managed to warm me.

Tonight.
I thought I heard your voice
And I almost threw up in my mouth
And I'm caught between thinking
It was happiness to see you again
or maybe I was just scared to see you on a day I had actually done my hair.
Because I know I couldn't handle it
If you let your eyes go soft,
let them slide over my curls
to push my bangs back.
And I know your lips would twitch up
in the smirk that I swear is only for me
and you'd just look at me.
My chest would open to you
explode for you
and you would ask me to clean up after
mop the blood off your brow and smile
And I would.
I've been doing so well this last month

I can feel my body ache
At the thought of your arms around her
I can hear my brain shouting through caves
And the echo bounces off my skull
"Not good enough"
"Not good enough"
"Not"
"Good"
"Enough"
I can feel my heart crumbling
And God it hurts this time
My skin cracks and bruises
where your hands have laid
My lungs are drowning in tears
I didn't know I had.

It's like I'm watching you
Open your eyes for the first time
And they've finally settled on me
And I can see your brain talking
And it's saying
"She's right there and you missed it"
You'll smile at me
Make me feel brilliant
Then you take her hand
Because six years is a hard thing to break
When your eyes have been closed.

I've decided to let you change me
I've decided to let you put me in your hands
You can do anything you want to do, I promise.
I may be hard at first, persistent
But don't give up on me just yet
Just keep rolling me around in your palms
Warming me up until I start to mold.
I only ask one thing.
Don't change my heart and don't change my mind.
I want to know how your love feels in the way your fingers draw patterns on my back and push my hair behind my ear.
I want to hear your heartbeat in my head and fall asleep like you're;re the ocean.
I want to know that when my heart breaks into a million pieces, you'll be there with a dustpan and tape to start mending me
And that's what makes you more dangerous than the others.
The fact I'm willing to let you break me, because we know you will,
just to feel your fingers pick me up, examine each piece and blow off the dust, and start placing them in the right place
And I've never wanted this.
Never been willing to be hurt just to feel someone put me back together.
I guess you probably are different.

I fear my hands
Will never be warm again
Because they are constantly covered
By the shadow that yours have always thrown over them

I keep writing all these stupid things about you
And they all come out awful
But I suppose what I'm trying to say is
I should have slipped my hand into yours
The day you held it out while you were singing to me
Instead of just looking at you and giggling
Because why after 20 years would you want
To feel the way my fingers feel
When they slide over your palm
The way they nestle next to yours
How my hand is so much smaller
I should have just tried it one time
Knowing that it would have changed
Everything really
Or nothing
Instead my eyes got wide and I giggled
And you look rejected
And you've never once offered
That hand to me again
And that's something I regret every day
Maybe then I'd be writing something good
And not something whiny
Like this.