Last night I went to sleep with an anvil on my chest
Crushing my rib cage
Until the only sound in the room
Was my heart screaming your name.

Last night I went to sleep with a jackhammer in my brain
Torturing my eyes
With images of us
I know can never happen.

Last night I went to sleep with water in my lungs
Choking everything I had
Out of me
I was drowning in my own tears

This morning I woke up crying
After my dreams were haunted by your face
Having to sneak looks and smiles when her head is down
I don't want to hurt anymore.

My mind has started to cower at the thought that you'll never have me.

I'm so scared.

Recently
I've come to realize
That if my life were a book
My hand would ghost over it on a shelf
And I wouldn't pick it up
Because the cover is too bland
And the summary doesn't grab my attention
"Twenty-three year old college dropout lives at home with parents"
Will not be showing up on any bestseller lists
And I'm so distraught by the idea
That the author can't even crack open her own spine.

I've started to snap.
Not my fingers
Because that would be too innocent
for my brain.

I've started to snap bands.
Not my favorite group
Because that would be too innocent
for me you know.

I've started snapping rubber bands
The skinny kind
Across my wrists and arms
creating lines that welt for 10 minutes.

My words have started snapping
Mostly at people I care about
Yelling hateful things
that I haven't learned to take back.

My brain has started snapping
Mostly at myself
Cracking open and oozing lies into my ears
trying to get me to believe lies I know can't be true.

My life has started to snap.
Splitting open at the seams
Stealing my air from me
until I feel I can't catch my breath.

I've started to snap
And it's a weird feeling
Because all of this started
with a single rubber band.

My heart
just wants to
find a home
in your
hands.