I was about to give up,
But then he loved me,
and kissed me,
and i saw the stars for what they were,
and not what wanted them to be; wishes.

I think i finally know what i want,
and i'm afraid to tell him,
but i know he wants the same thing,
an easy and simple forever,
he is the reason why i am still living; a survivor.

to get past the anxiety,
to get past the depression that consumes me,
to stop finding ways to blame myself,
and hurting myself because i was too weak,
he made me see the beauty in things; in our faults.

and i love him,
soo deeply,
soo wholly,
soo purely,
i love him more than i have ever loved and it feels good.

because i'm not afraid anymore

They won't tell you it hurts,
as his hands snake to your shirt.

They won't tell you it's his fault,
as your wounds are filled with salt.

They won't tell you it's will okay,
as he leads you on by being fake.

You won't know why it happened to you,
there was know way you could have known.

You won't have any help during the long nights,
where you remember the feeling of his bites.

You won't escape the dark,
and will avoid going to the park.

Mother,
she will blame you for wearing those short skirts.

Father,
will be disappointed at you for lying.

Your younger sister,
will come and cuddle with you even though she is too young.

****!
*****!
DUMB BLONDE!

they say i was asking for it...
that i wore the low cut top for attention...
that my skirt was the purpose of all of this...
because i wore makeup at night...
and my perfume was too sweet and lingered...
they tell me that i am lying...
that it didn't happen like that...
that i wanted it...
they tell me how i felt during it all...

what they don't know:
it was 1:43am when i last checked my phone and was walking home.
i was 150m from my house.
i was standing underneath a streetlight to answer a text.
i was cold.
i was 17.
i wore those close because i felt good about myself.
he came out of the dark.
he was evil in his eyes.
his hands covered my mouth and wrapped around my neck.
i tried to fight against him as he dragged me away.
i tried to scream.
yell.
bite.
punch.
pull.
get away.
i tried to get away.
but i was asking for this, right?
he held me down against the cold cement.
pulled at my clothes until they ripped.
until my ***** were exposed and my skirt was at my ankles.
until my ******* were nothing but fabric next to my head.
he made sure i didn't make a sound.
he whispered things to me i will never forget.
the feeling of his hands around my throat won't ever go away.
or the way i was used and exposed.
he was stronger than me.
he made his and took everything away from me.
he then left me.
after knocking me out.
left behind a dumpster, i was alone when i woke up.
i was cold.
i was alone.
alone.
alone.
i had nothing left to call clothes.
nothing to cover me.
i was naked.
bare.
vulnerable.
i was only 150m from home.
where i would have been safe.
nobody heard this happen.

The won't tell you it to your face,
but it's always the pretty girls' fault.

you give me goosebumps,
when we talk,
you make me feel alive,
all the time,
i think of you,
i can't help it,
but think of what you are doing right now,
the thoughts make my heart race,
i want you to be happy,
i promise,
i will give you happiness,
my happiness,
as along as you're happy.

i told you the truth,
why won't you believe me?
when i say,
you are prefect,
you are beautiful,
you are the one.

i tried to save you,
why didn't you listen to me?
when i said,
i was here for you,
will always be here for you,
that i loved you.

i wanted you to see,
why didn't you see what saw?
when i looked at you,
i saw a beautifully strong person,
someone who had people who cared about them,
who loved you soo much.

i didn't want you to die,
why did you have to die?
when i was about to tell you something,
i loved you and you saved me,
i wanted soo badly to save you,
i will always remember and love you.

Voices yell, repeat, stop!
Louder, not enough, no!
Worthless, alone, again!
Almost, so close, never!

Voice yell, repeat, stop!
Angry, useless, idiot!
Stupid, ugly, i know!
Almost, so close, never!

Voices yell, repeat, stop!
Screams, empty, endless!
Again, alone, never!
Almost, so close, i know!

The shaking starts, my hands,
The nausea kicks in, my stomach,
The pain reignites, my heart,
The emptiness echoes, my head,
The numbness screams, my mouth,

The shaking spreads, to my body,
The nausea get’s worse, my throat,
The pain feels good, my skin,
The emptiness explodes, my heart,
The numbness feels warm, my lips.

Scream for help, i dare you!
I’m trying.
Ask for help because you’re weak!
I don’t want to be weak.
Remember when you cried all the time and everybody thought you were weak?
Yeah, how could i forget?
Only weak people cry!
I’m not weak.
You almost made it!
I almost made it.
You almost thought you were beautiful!
I almost thought i was beautiful.
You almost knew what it was like to be happy!
I almost knew what it was like to be happy.
Soo close babygirl!
I was soo close.
Soo close to being clean!
The scar was almost gone.
Soo close to loving yourself!
And i was really close to loving myself.
No one could ever love you!
I’m stupid for believing someone could love me.
How could they?
I mean, look at me!
You’re not enough?
I’m obviously not enough.
You’ll never be enough!
I’ll NEVER be enough.
Never!
Never.
Stupid girl!
Stupid me.
Useless!
I’m useless.
Worthless!
I’m worthless.
And the my personal favourite, NOT ENOUGH!**
And you’re personal favourite, i’m not enough.

Stop!
Stop!
Stop!
Not enough!
Not enough!
Not enough!
Not enough!
Please stop repeating it!!!

The hair pulling starts, STOP!
The staring into space starts, I’M SORRY!
The looking for something to feel again starts, I NEED THIS!
The screaming into endless voids of emptiness starts, I’M NOT ENOUGH!

My lips tremble as i place the blade to my skin,
My vision blurred with pain stained tears,
My hands steady as i make one swift movement,
Again,
And again,
And again,
And again,
And again,
STOP!
Mind flipping between people,
People i’ve let down,
People i’ve lost
People i’ve loved,
People i still love,
People i need,
People i’ve hurt,
People i wasn’t enough for,
And i’m sorry.

It’s my fault.
Always is!
My fault no one likes me for me.
My fault i’m forced to wear a mask everyday.
My fault i’m not happy.
My fault i’m scared.
Scared of letting people in.
For the fear of being used again.
Abused again.
Afraid someone will break me again.
My fault because i wear a mask and become someone else to protect myself.

the worst part is,
the lies,
those words,
that i know are wrong in my mind,
but i believe them anyway.

i am over it,
over you,
make up excuses,
it wasn't you,
nah.

i don't understand,
what i did to deserve this,
i haven't lied to you,
or cheated,
i haven't done anything.

i guess i should be honest with you,
i don't love you,
i like you,
a lot,
but i don't love you.

the worst part is,
you tell me you love me,
want to be with me for a while,
but you do everything in your power to loose me,
you don't love me because why would you do this to me?

I knew it,
All along,
That you never truly loved me,
For me.

You only ever used me,
For want you wanted,
The chucked me away,
And abused me.

You wanted me,
Once maybe,
For me,
My personality.

You wanted me,
To use me,
**** me,
And abuse me.

That’s all I am to you,
All old ***** rag,
Used when needed,
Then chucked away in a dark corner.

And I believed you,
Your words,
Your whispers,
When you said you loved me.

Just another pawn in your game,
Another ******* your list,
I will always be,
Just another girl to you.

I knew it,
The whole time,
That you never truly loved me,
And I loved you anyway.

she sits there, in the dark, the only light coming from her computer screen.
tears stain her white cheeks, leaving trails of lies behind on her face.
she hands shake as she write to him, the truth everything about her.
she knows he wants he to be happy, to live life to the fullest, to be happy.
but she can't do that without him, and she knows the distance is what's holding them back.
she wants to tell him how she feels for him, the emotions she feels are so strong.
stronger than those 3 little words could ever mean, but she says them anyway.
she will wait for him, a year and half, more, if it takes that long, she will stay.
she loves him, only him, wants him, only him, needs him, only him, but he doesn't see that.
he wants her to go out, have fun, to see other boys, to live life to the fullest.
but she won't, she can't, she hates lying to people, makes her sick all the time.
she can't let someone fall in love with her, be with her, tell her they love her.
and all she will do is nod along, give empty promises, say meaningless i love you's.
he doesn't understand, that he is all she needs and she is happy to wait.
happy to love him always, even if he ends up loving another girl.
even if she is better, and he loves her more than her.
she will wait for him, a year and half, more, if it takes that long.
maybe she will fall out of love with him, but that's another what if.
what if this?
what if that?
what if he stops loving her, finds another girl?
what if she falls out of love with him, and has met another guy?
but then,
what if they meet each other, and things are okay, and they are still in love?
what if everything will be fine?
but then she has never really understood one thing, one simple thing in her life.
why does he love her?
why is he wasting his time, when he could have someone soo much better?
why does he love her?
why?

Let me kiss you,
Hold you,
Until forever gives up.

Let me show you,
Tell you,
Just how much i love you.

Let me want you,
Have you,
Just you and me.

they said,
it would be fun,
no one will get hurt,
it's harmless,
it will be okay,

they lied,
it's safe,
no one will find out,
just for a short time,
we'll be okay,

they thought,
as they were drunk,
that it would be okay to,
have 6 people in a car,
and drive and drive,

they didn't see it,
the flashes of light,
the bright and undesirable sight,
the pain from looking,
away,

they didn't hear it,
the screams to stop,
slow down and stop,
the sound go metal against metal,
the bang, crack and boom,

they said,
it would be fun,
no one will get hurt,
it's harmless,
it will be okay,

they didn't know,
that they would die,
at 3:27am drunk,
and high from the fumes,
they didn't get to say goodbye.

you light me up inside,
you here and you tried,
you make me smile,
stay for a while,
wrap your arms around me,
carve our names into a tree,
let take a bubble bath,
walk some where and create our ow path,
tell me i'm pretty enough,
don't walk away and don't bluff,
tell me you love me all the time,
all i need is for this to rhyme,
to get the point across,
because i don't want to feel lost,
maybe you will know it's about you,
i mean everything because it's all true,
you're so beautiful,
i love to talk you like usual,
i know i want us,
and i know it's about the trust,
i think i like like you a lot,
my heart jumps when you talk to me like i have been shot,
anyway here you go,
now you know.

today, i woke up,
with my demons,
who are in a good mood today,
soo good,
they decided to make my day hell,
to make me feel like ****,
good morning,
they yelled,
i woke up,
with a sick feeling,
i did my hair,
while feeling like vomiting,
i almost did,
today is a bad day,
and i knew it when i woke up,
when i forced myself to eat something,
because i was on the verge of collapsing,
today is a bad day,
i saw him,
i smiled and he turned away,
today is a bad day,
because i almost ****** up everything,
and i didn't mean to,
today is a bad day,
and all my insecurities suddenly became visible,
and i tried to hide them,
today is a bad day.

Ask him how i am,
after seeing me cry my life away,
act like you care,
when i feel like ****,
pretend to love me,
when you see me sobbing loudly,

that's okay,
i have no problem with that,
none at all,
because you're not important,
not anymore,
do you get that?

but when you make up ****,
rumours,
about me,
that you know are not true,
will most defiantly make me mad,
stupid little boy,

i don't care about,
not anymore,
i never actually loved you,
but i said it any way,
because you said it,
i never really cared,

but it still ****** me off,
when you talk this ****,
and then shrug when i ask you why,
it still ****** me off to the point of no return,
when you know you have done something wrong,
but you don't care about me or my feelings,

i should have listened to her,
she warned me about you,
about you being a liar,
a cheater,
someone who uses me,
*******,

******* and your stupid lies,
******* and your blunt excuses,
******* and your bad kisses,
******* and your sad life,
*******,
wait, why would i?

i hate you!

take a selfie,
show some ****,
give 'em some dimple,
with hair in face.

act all sad,
and maybe even vulnerable,
because you know,
that's how to get the boys.

i met you last year,
and i thought maybe you were okay,
but nah,
your not.

take a selfie,
wear practically no clothes,
show some ****,
because you get all the boys.

take a selfie,
maybe someone will love you then,
but they won't,
not when your showing them everyhting.

take a selfie,
post it,
you look cute,
nah you say i am ugly you say.

i didn't know what it felt like to be completely in love, helplessly heart broken and still wanting to kiss you for hating me.

i guess i do now.

“lie to me again,” she whispered.

“i love you,” he said. ♡