She sat on the 3 seat couch alone,
drink in hand and looking pretty.
Her mind somewhere else,
her foot tapping to the music.
Her glass was already 3/4th's gone,
and she only just got a refill.

As someone walks by,
she looks up and smile.
Trying to keep small conversation.
trying to hold herself together.
Fighting the tears behind her eyes
the pain of needing to let go.

But it's okay,
she is pretty and not at all in pain.
Her hair and makeup are perfect,
no indication that she wants to die.
So she downs the rest of her drink,
and sadly goes in to refill.

All this alcohol and it does nothing,
no numbness at all.
Only hazy thoughts bouncing back to you,
only you and always you.
She goes back to her couch and pulls herself together,
because girls like her aren't suppose to want to **** themselves.

I was about to give up,
But then he loved me,
and kissed me,
and i saw the stars for what they were,
and not what wanted them to be; wishes.

I think i finally know what i want,
and i'm afraid to tell him,
but i know he wants the same thing,
an easy and simple forever,
he is the reason why i am still living; a survivor.

to get past the anxiety,
to get past the depression that consumes me,
to stop finding ways to blame myself,
and hurting myself because i was too weak,
he made me see the beauty in things; in our faults.

and i love him,
soo deeply,
soo wholly,
soo purely,
i love him more than i have ever loved and it feels good.

because i'm not afraid anymore

They won't tell you it hurts,
as his hands snake to your shirt.

They won't tell you it's his fault,
as your wounds are filled with salt.

They won't tell you it's will okay,
as he leads you on by being fake.

You won't know why it happened to you,
there was know way you could have known.

You won't have any help during the long nights,
where you remember the feeling of his bites.

You won't escape the dark,
and will avoid going to the park.

Mother,
she will blame you for wearing those short skirts.

Father,
will be disappointed at you for lying.

Your younger sister,
will come and cuddle with you even though she is too young.

****!
*****!
DUMB BLONDE!

they say i was asking for it...
that i wore the low cut top for attention...
that my skirt was the purpose of all of this...
because i wore makeup at night...
and my perfume was too sweet and lingered...
they tell me that i am lying...
that it didn't happen like that...
that i wanted it...
they tell me how i felt during it all...

what they don't know:
it was 1:43am when i last checked my phone and was walking home.
i was 150m from my house.
i was standing underneath a streetlight to answer a text.
i was cold.
i was 17.
i wore those close because i felt good about myself.
he came out of the dark.
he was evil in his eyes.
his hands covered my mouth and wrapped around my neck.
i tried to fight against him as he dragged me away.
i tried to scream.
yell.
bite.
punch.
pull.
get away.
i tried to get away.
but i was asking for this, right?
he held me down against the cold cement.
pulled at my clothes until they ripped.
until my ***** were exposed and my skirt was at my ankles.
until my ******* were nothing but fabric next to my head.
he made sure i didn't make a sound.
he whispered things to me i will never forget.
the feeling of his hands around my throat won't ever go away.
or the way i was used and exposed.
he was stronger than me.
he made his and took everything away from me.
he then left me.
after knocking me out.
left behind a dumpster, i was alone when i woke up.
i was cold.
i was alone.
alone.
alone.
i had nothing left to call clothes.
nothing to cover me.
i was naked.
bare.
vulnerable.
i was only 150m from home.
where i would have been safe.
nobody heard this happen.

The won't tell you it to your face,
but it's always the pretty girls' fault.

being alone
2. spiders
3. ghosts and demons
4. being watched by a ghost
5. creepy noises when I’m sleeping
6. my anxiety consuming me
7. my depression consuming me
8. the dark of my bad days
9. death…
10. you leaving me
11. you lying to me about how you feel
12. you cheating on me
13. you loving another girl while you’re with me
14. you just learning to love someone else
15. that I’m not enough
16. that I’m not enough for you…
17. that everything you have ever told me has all been a lie
18. that one day I will be a bad mother
19. that one day I will be a bad wife
20. that I will remain a bad person forever
21. that I might ever not learn to love myself the way I deserve
22. that I won’t be happy
23. that I actually am a bad person
24. that people talk about me behind my back
25. that no one actually likes me for who I am
26. that everybody is faking
27. that everybody really hates me
28. that I deserve all of this…
29. bugs
30. bats
31. ants
32. snakes
33. creepy old men
34. the internet
35. people who don’t know me
36. people who will hurt me
37. people who think I deserve the way they treat me
38. people who hurt me regardless
39. people who don’t care about me
40. being broken again and again and again…

"shut your mouth, you fat *****!"
oh alright. i wasn't talking but sorry for displeasing you.

"you're soo ******* annoying, you should go die!"
i already know that, but thanks for the reminder.

" your face annoys me, go somewhere you belong"
...

oh sorry,
you get to treat me like this and tell me *"it's nothing personal, darling"
it is personal,
because you only treat me like this.
it is personal,
because you remind me every single day of my ******* miserable life.

so **** this,
i'm over your ****.
you can think whatever the ******* want,
i don't give a **** anymore.
it's time i do me, and not what you want.

*********!

when we kissed there was a spark,
you kept my heart calm,
your smile was my art,
i was happier,

wondered about your scar,
i am broken and in parts,
remember when we watched the stars?
i was happier, way back with you,

ain't nobody hurt me like you do,
but i know nobody could love me like you,
promise i won't fade away, not because of you,
if you do find someone new,

because i was happier with you,
your sweet words echoing my mind,
and i will smile to hide all of my pain,
but you don't know that i was happier with only you,

baby, are you happier without me?
does that someone new kiss you like i did?
but if she leaves you like all the others,
just know i am waiting for you to come home to me.

When you leave, don't look back at me,
please!...

When we have our last kiss, don't tell me this,


When you say goodbye, don't be shy,


When you walk away, i won't beg you to stay,
not this time...

When you tell me you never loved me, don't look at me,


When you find The One,  love her right and don't run,
she doesn't need you to do what you did to me...

When you go, please walk away slow,
**let what we had linger a little longer...

i didn't know what it felt like to be completely in love, helplessly heart broken and still wanting to kiss you for hating me.

i guess i do now.

“lie to me again,” she whispered.

“i love you,” he said. ♡

Stop!
Stop!
Stop!
Not enough!
Not enough!
Not enough!
Not enough!
Please stop repeating it!!!

The hair pulling starts, STOP!
The staring into space starts, I’M SORRY!
The looking for something to feel again starts, I NEED THIS!
The screaming into endless voids of emptiness starts, I’M NOT ENOUGH!

My lips tremble as i place the blade to my skin,
My vision blurred with pain stained tears,
My hands steady as i make one swift movement,
Again,
And again,
And again,
And again,
And again,
STOP!
Mind flipping between people,
People i’ve let down,
People i’ve lost
People i’ve loved,
People i still love,
People i need,
People i’ve hurt,
People i wasn’t enough for,
And i’m sorry.

It’s my fault.
Always is!
My fault no one likes me for me.
My fault i’m forced to wear a mask everyday.
My fault i’m not happy.
My fault i’m scared.
Scared of letting people in.
For the fear of being used again.
Abused again.
Afraid someone will break me again.
My fault because i wear a mask and become someone else to protect myself.

Scream for help, i dare you!
I’m trying.
Ask for help because you’re weak!
I don’t want to be weak.
Remember when you cried all the time and everybody thought you were weak?
Yeah, how could i forget?
Only weak people cry!
I’m not weak.
You almost made it!
I almost made it.
You almost thought you were beautiful!
I almost thought i was beautiful.
You almost knew what it was like to be happy!
I almost knew what it was like to be happy.
Soo close babygirl!
I was soo close.
Soo close to being clean!
The scar was almost gone.
Soo close to loving yourself!
And i was really close to loving myself.
No one could ever love you!
I’m stupid for believing someone could love me.
How could they?
I mean, look at me!
You’re not enough?
I’m obviously not enough.
You’ll never be enough!
I’ll NEVER be enough.
Never!
Never.
Stupid girl!
Stupid me.
Useless!
I’m useless.
Worthless!
I’m worthless.
And the my personal favourite, NOT ENOUGH!**
And you’re personal favourite, i’m not enough.

The shaking starts, my hands,
The nausea kicks in, my stomach,
The pain reignites, my heart,
The emptiness echoes, my head,
The numbness screams, my mouth,

The shaking spreads, to my body,
The nausea get’s worse, my throat,
The pain feels good, my skin,
The emptiness explodes, my heart,
The numbness feels warm, my lips.

Voices yell, repeat, stop!
Louder, not enough, no!
Worthless, alone, again!
Almost, so close, never!

Voice yell, repeat, stop!
Angry, useless, idiot!
Stupid, ugly, i know!
Almost, so close, never!

Voices yell, repeat, stop!
Screams, empty, endless!
Again, alone, never!
Almost, so close, i know!

Let me kiss you,
Hold you,
Until forever gives up.

Let me show you,
Tell you,
Just how much i love you.

Let me want you,
Have you,
Just you and me.

his hands on my thighs,
his fingers tangled in my hair,
his lips on my bare chest,
his eyes on mine,

his body hot on top of mine,
his voice husky and jagged,
his teeth biting my neck,
his tongue pushing against mine,

his promises heat my skin,
his finger prints making me want more,
his words give me more,
his thrusts make me believe.

she sits there, in the dark, the only light coming from her computer screen.
tears stain her white cheeks, leaving trails of lies behind on her face.
she hands shake as she write to him, the truth everything about her.
she knows he wants he to be happy, to live life to the fullest, to be happy.
but she can't do that without him, and she knows the distance is what's holding them back.
she wants to tell him how she feels for him, the emotions she feels are so strong.
stronger than those 3 little words could ever mean, but she says them anyway.
she will wait for him, a year and half, more, if it takes that long, she will stay.
she loves him, only him, wants him, only him, needs him, only him, but he doesn't see that.
he wants her to go out, have fun, to see other boys, to live life to the fullest.
but she won't, she can't, she hates lying to people, makes her sick all the time.
she can't let someone fall in love with her, be with her, tell her they love her.
and all she will do is nod along, give empty promises, say meaningless i love you's.
he doesn't understand, that he is all she needs and she is happy to wait.
happy to love him always, even if he ends up loving another girl.
even if she is better, and he loves her more than her.
she will wait for him, a year and half, more, if it takes that long.
maybe she will fall out of love with him, but that's another what if.
what if this?
what if that?
what if he stops loving her, finds another girl?
what if she falls out of love with him, and has met another guy?
but then,
what if they meet each other, and things are okay, and they are still in love?
what if everything will be fine?
but then she has never really understood one thing, one simple thing in her life.
why does he love her?
why is he wasting his time, when he could have someone soo much better?
why does he love her?
why?

i told you the truth,
why won't you believe me?
when i say,
you are prefect,
you are beautiful,
you are the one.

i tried to save you,
why didn't you listen to me?
when i said,
i was here for you,
will always be here for you,
that i loved you.

i wanted you to see,
why didn't you see what saw?
when i looked at you,
i saw a beautifully strong person,
someone who had people who cared about them,
who loved you soo much.

i didn't want you to die,
why did you have to die?
when i was about to tell you something,
i loved you and you saved me,
i wanted soo badly to save you,
i will always remember and love you.

Ask him how i am,
after seeing me cry my life away,
act like you care,
when i feel like ****,
pretend to love me,
when you see me sobbing loudly,

that's okay,
i have no problem with that,
none at all,
because you're not important,
not anymore,
do you get that?

but when you make up ****,
rumours,
about me,
that you know are not true,
will most defiantly make me mad,
stupid little boy,

i don't care about,
not anymore,
i never actually loved you,
but i said it any way,
because you said it,
i never really cared,

but it still ****** me off,
when you talk this ****,
and then shrug when i ask you why,
it still ****** me off to the point of no return,
when you know you have done something wrong,
but you don't care about me or my feelings,

i should have listened to her,
she warned me about you,
about you being a liar,
a cheater,
someone who uses me,
*******,

******* and your stupid lies,
******* and your blunt excuses,
******* and your bad kisses,
******* and your sad life,
*******,
wait, why would i?

i hate you!

me,
worthless,
stupid me,

myself,
no one cares,
why should they,
i don't,

I,
can't do it anymore,
it's getting too cold,

me,
silly,
dumb me,

myself,
i hate myself,
and so do you,
i know it,

I,
am over it,
the voices in my mind

And to think about it,
she will always be,
his number three,

Behind closed doors,
she cries at night,
under the blanket without any light,

He will never know,
just how much she loves him,
she is drowning and does't know how to swim,

Behind closed doors,
she gives the pain away,
because she knows he won't stay,

He'll never love her,
how could he?
when he just wants to be free,

Behind closed doors,
she wishes on an impossible star,
but it will never come true because it's always too bizarre,

He won't see it,
they way she craves him all night,
and now i don't know what to write,

I guess this is it,
i love you and here the proof,
my amazing silly goof.

how could you want me?
when you can have her.

why would you want me?
when she is there.

what's soo special about me?
she is better than me.

why me?
i am
ugly,
fat,
bad,
moody,
have problems,

i am
broken.

she is way better than me,
she is
pretty,
beautiful,
skinny,
blonde,
has a nice face
sweeter,
nicer,

she is
perfect.

she is what you need,
not me.

with me,
you have to deal with a broken girl,

with me,
you have to put up with a weird, clumsy, non funny girl,

with me,
you wouldn't have fun or call me pretty,

with her,
you would have fun,

call her pretty,
enjoy every moment spent,
making her smile,

with her,
you don't have some broken girl,

in need of something she know she can't have,

with her,
you would be happier,

so you can choose her,
it's okay,

i may be heartbroken,
but what's new?

you can choose her,
because i know,

that's really what you want.

they said,
it would be fun,
no one will get hurt,
it's harmless,
it will be okay,

they lied,
it's safe,
no one will find out,
just for a short time,
we'll be okay,

they thought,
as they were drunk,
that it would be okay to,
have 6 people in a car,
and drive and drive,

they didn't see it,
the flashes of light,
the bright and undesirable sight,
the pain from looking,
away,

they didn't hear it,
the screams to stop,
slow down and stop,
the sound go metal against metal,
the bang, crack and boom,

they said,
it would be fun,
no one will get hurt,
it's harmless,
it will be okay,

they didn't know,
that they would die,
at 3:27am drunk,
and high from the fumes,
they didn't get to say goodbye.