I really still love you
I must say.
I can't go on without
you another day.
You echo inside of my
head.
I can still smell
you.
You linger like a ghost of
my past.
I just wish you'd see me
at last.

I wish I could write him a letter
just to ask how he was doing.

If the food tastes different there
if the sky is bluer at 10 AM
if he can see the moon from his window

But really, all I want to know
is if he loves the crinkle of written-on paper
as much as I do

and if sometime, he might
want to write me back
just to feel the paper between his fingers
and the words beneath his palms?

Missing the old you, in your old bed,
saying the old things you used to say,
feeling the old way we used to feel--

arms and legs together,
unafraid,
more and more naked than before--

as we fight
and fight off sleep.

i keep reading
the old letters.
from the old you.
holding on to what you
used to be.
i cant grasp
the person who's in front of me today.

I want to ****** love

I can barely feel anymore
In the traditional sense of the word
My feelings have become flashes of color
Sparked by the mention of your name
(Even if that person wasn’t actually talking about you)
I see warm worn pink- the exact color of the ballet shoes of youth that would never stay tied
(nothing stays together in the long run)
I see the way you held me once
And tipped my face up towards yours
The color of your metallic tongue- kissing me first.
I hear bright red, the exact color of grandma’s lipstick on her glass,
The sound of a constant dial tone
And my many tearful messages
I feel purple with pain
It runs through me very numb, like bad music through an empty hallway,
My blood, icy in my veins
And scratching from the inside to get out
(Burst out all over something peaceful like a white picket fence I will never know)
This is not what anyone should know about himself or herself
I am ruined for other feelings
And when I smell the sunlight
It only reminds me of a warm hand
I can no longer hold
I imagine that this is what hard drugs do to the sane
A catalyst
I am incapable of remembering
And when I close my eyes
I can feel your back on my face
i would push into you until I sweated my heart out
on your dog hair covered sheets.

I can barely feel anymore
In the traditional sense of the word

it's a faded blue color, pressed from being unworn
when i last wore it i was a different me
and i been many different people in between
along a natural path to find myself
i've done unnatural things,
said several things that i would never let pass
my lips again.

i've learned and i've grown, most awkwardly shown
in a faded blue dress in the back of my closet
now hugs curves that weren't there for the last
girl who wore it, and a few inches shorter

the girl back then wouldn't dare to do the things i've done alone with you,
and she wouldn't let herself feel what i feel for you, too

and she would blush at the words and the steam in the air in the back seat of my car.