Yesterday I held a ladybug in my hand

Picked it up from where it was,
vulnerable on the floor of the church

The music around seemed to fade away
as I stared at the little ladybug,
hoping it was alive

It didn't move but I held it in my hand still
as I prayed that someday live would work out
praying that God would be there to hold me when times got tough.

And that little ladybug started moving in my hand
Safe from foreign feet that would **** it.

I know this is silly

But I saw myself in that ladybug.

I am this little vulnerable creature
Yet God holds me in the palm of His hand.  

And I know...

I

Am

Safe

Stormy blue eyes search the horizon from atop a parking garage
The storm despritely rages around the pupil as it searches for the sea
But alas, even eight stories up, endless towers block distant waves from the mixed blue
Yet they still search on, darting back and forth
Trying to find something tht matches the wavy blue eyes

I really should be in bed
Letting dreams taking me to different realities

But there's a fire in the living room
and the flames are dancing to a silent song

So I stay awake staring at the flickering light
Trying to listen to a song with no melody

I need you right here by my side
to just hold me and let me know its okay.

To reassure me it was not my fault.
I can't tell anyone right now

But you would know the story
and all my regret

I need you right here by my side
to hold me and tell me it was not my fault

He used to be in the center of it all
always living in the moment,
Enjoying life in its very essence

Then he got a camera
changed himself and his name

Now he takes pictures if those in the center of attention
Taking amazing photos of those living life in its essence

Now he can't be found as he is hiding behind the camera
Disappearing into someone that is invited to parties for the photos

He has grown small and secluded into a view frame
One sees what he sees and does but not who he is

He is the boy behind the camera

A toddler is a giant when standing on the highest surface in a playground.
Later, reaching the top branch of a tree means a child has reached the top of their world.
Now I'm sitting on top of 12 story building and can see the tops I thousands of trees.
Shouldn't I feel like I own the world? Like everything is tiny in comparison to me?

It doesn't. Instead I feel small and so unimportant.
I can't go any higher. There is just an empty sky above.

I guess that is the result of being above what you really are.

Another attempt
a few more hours in the gym
a few skipped meals

but

more snacking
more unhealthy food
more failure

I can never be who I want to be
I can't be the best I can
Because I'm already straining the ropes.

I'm so alone
drowning in my own thoughts

While they gossip and act their age
I listen
While letting my mind digest the mysteries of life

When did I become so old?
So detached from what it means to act my age.

Normal conversations for me involve the future.
They are so normal - gossiping and joking around

So isolated among my own age group
What am I doing with my life? With the now?

Large snowflakes float soundlessly
not a whisper of wind, just muffled footsteps
as she walks down the little town street
he catches sight of her as she looks up,
pearl flakes alighting on her dark lashes.
Her dark hair is highlighted with specks of white
giving her a magical look
he is already in love
before he walks over and says hello
and she smiles up at him.

She's a small soul in a tiny glass jar.
the insults, the bruises
they come pouring in

She cannot fight back
There is no way to escape

Talk to others?
What would that do but bring pity

Screaming loud but no one hears
Nothing leaves the glass jar
as the insults and bruises keep coming

Closing eyes to sleep
it's already late for a school night
but the brain is starting to whirl

then the realization.

Already ****** up?
that was known

Never was it known
how deep the damage was,
the fact the past will affect the future

Curling up under blankets
that are too hot

The tears fall

Once sitting side by side
in a room of doom
laughing at the mistakes of others
groaning at the cheesy jokes

Full of smiles from inside jokes
a constant want to talk
The feeling of friendship I've been missing

No longer

We all want our fairy tale story
Falling in love with a Flynn Rider
or some other perfect man.

But how could I even hope to find
My prince (or hero)
when I hardly fit the description
of any of those princesses

This complex rages my mind

even as you are always there

it becomes a battle of mind over body

my mind in in contortion
thoughts swirl and dance
in endless random currents
there is no head nor tail to the madness

as i trying to grab hold of these thoughts
they flit away
and I am driven insane
trying to clasp onto thoughts
that cannot be caught

Passing through the days in a sort of stream
Walking through the hallways like a movie
friends on either side
People to smile with at lunch
A person or two to send a wink.
A club and sport to participate in.

Its a delicate balance isn't it?
Like the average teenager,
nothing special at, almost boring.
But it's still a little gem of this thing called life.
Filled with all of those experiences that help us grow
and learn
and become

Our whole lives are focused towards getting somewhere
and whenever we finally reach our goal
we aren't happy.
We need to go farther,
go somewhere else
somewhere that's so much better
just like every other destination.

Once you think you have everything you want
money, freedom, fame, whatever it is
We always want to go back to the way things were before.

He's not here for you anymore.
Sorry honey, but he never was.
You were just another kiss to him
someone to charm then forget.

Even though he will never escape your memory
You are just a fleeting moment to him
some fling that he never really cared about.

But remember.

He will always be restless
jumping from one broken heart to the next.
You will be so much better off
Because you value the lasting promises,
your perfect guy will come along

And you will be able to stay with him forever
while that guy from the past keeps unsteadily moving

Everyone has that one dark secret
one where it is hardly noticeable to anyone else
but the one it haunts.

And there it waits
suspended like a drop of red dye in crystal clear water

So calm, so beautiful
so severely obvious,
staining the perfect water

Leaving you wondering
when it will lash out and leave more scars

One guy says goodbye with a casual, "I love you!"
Knowing it makes me feel like I belong

Another leaves with just a smile,
both of us thinking if a inside joke

He leaves with nothing more than looking the other way
Who knows what he thinks

Let me stow away in your bag.
I'll stay in the baggage area for the flight,
I won't mind the lack of space.

When the bags are all claimed I would leave
I wouldn't know where,
but I would have a few bills in my pocket
A passport just in case.

Europe would be open.
I could find a job somewhere
maybe waiting tables to cleaning.

All the money earned would go towards rent and food
nothing left over for goign to the movies or eating out.
But I wouldn't care.

I would be on my own
I would be in Europe

I wouldn't be here

A better time
and a sunburn later

Things aren't good here
but I have nowhere else to go

Time to tie on my shoes
and hit the road again

There's no point in trying
when there's no reward

I never realized I carried this little shadow
That awful mistakes from the past actually have consequences

I thought I was invincible before
that I could act and feel
and actually be above someone else

When in reality I was far below.

Thanks to these times when I had hurt others
with no immediate punishment

I suffer now
By being closed off
to all those wonderful people
That I broke apart for pleasure

She stands there in the corner
hunched and scared
Looking like she is standing at the edge of a crevasse
and something evil is getting closer to pull
her little confidence apart

Does she not see?
She is beautiful
Every pound that she hates
Is unnoticable
When she smiles the room lights up
When she talks everything seems good

Come and join us
and do not be afraid
No one judges here

First of all, if you have to steal pieces of other people's lives to make yourself feel good with reactions, I'm sorry for you.
Second: these poems are people's lives, their hearts and for many the only way of being heard. And you are stooping low enough to take that from them. Shame on you.
Third: if you will steal something like poetry, then who knows what else you steal from others. You will never be your own person and never feel personal accomplishment

Lastly:

*******

Talking to you is the best therapy
even if you don't respond I feel better
because you always understand
and if you don't, you try to.

And I appreciate that

Thank you

You make everything better

A minuscule hope
pulsing slowly inside

It was stupid, I know
but can you blame me?
Not often does someone come along
that constantly surprises me
but just a little

It was stupid, I know
to think that I was special
that somehow i would be considered
I don't know, worthy?
or at least equal to her.

It was stupid, I know
Not that this is a new experience
I should have known better then to let
that tiny hope pulse
I'm used to putting it to sleep
it's all right

Another evening
of
sore forearms
aching shoulders
blistered fingers
a back that demands to be cracked.

All this work will be worth it

The late nights staying doing squats

They will pay off in time

I will never be skinny,
never be the politically correct form of "beauty"

But I can always be strong
and someday I will stand up and know
that I have reached my goal
and am the very best I can be

Bright shining lights, endless chorus of laughter and voices
she smiles as she leaves
walking under the huge sparkling chandelier on her way out
The oak doors swing shut behind her and


silence


The snow slowly, soundlessly drifts down
she imagines she hears traffic in the distance
but that is just the roar of the party still ringing in her ears

There is nothing but faded footprints and her alcohol tinted breath
the cloud blending in with the scene

She takes a deep breath that seems oddly loud
and she walks towards the waiting car
long black coat trailing behind her

I have to be strong, smile through the tears
Everything is fine, don't worry I'll take care of it

I have to walk with confidence
even though I want to curl up in a corner
and fade from existence

Don't worry about me I just need a day to reset
Ill be fine I'm strong, I have to be
Unbreakable
A warrior
Tough

Gotta take care of others time for me later
Doesn't matter that I didn't eat for a week
That didn't show enough self control

It will never be enough
I can't cut parts of me out
I can't rid my hatred of myself
I can't stop becoming what I don't want to
I can't just get away from everyone

There's no escaping
I'm trapped

But I'm a warrior, a fighter.
There's nothing wrong with me, I'm fine

Even though I'm not healing fast enough

So maybe I don't need to have it all figured out all ready.
Apparently I'm not the only one trying to grab a future.

I was so sure that high school would have solidified my dreams
instead it messed up my mind, and what I thought I wanted.

Once I step back and really look at everyone flowing through the halls
it become evident that I'm not the only one that is confused.

Maybe it's alright that I don't know what I'm doing
that I want to stop this rushing train before it runs into a wall.

But then again

I've been wrong before

The bubble is about to burst
I've got two more days left

Then all the good times,
every part of the facade

Will dissipate
and I will be left
alone again

Waiting for the next bubble
to keep me afloat

Shh!
don't tell a word
this is my private heaven
these words are my own
the pain is true
no one will ever know
they can take my life
but never my soul
written in this hidden corner
or the vast world

The walls keep turning to sand around me
I try to hold the crumbling pieces up
but they slip through my blistering fingers

Every fiber of my being is working
trying to force the walls around me to stay up.

Human bodies are not meant to support heavy rocks and heavy sand

Even though everyone knows it is physically impossible
I'm still expected to support the world around me

And I'm failing in the eyes of the world
I can't hold up my world as they sit on it
shaking their heads at my failure

They only see letters and test scores
Not me.

They will never see me.


They don't care if they don't.

The glimmer of the ocean

Rush of the trees

Grandness of a mountain above

We all have our dreams
Destinations and paradises in our hearts.

Many of us may see a place as were they belong
even though they have never been there

Despite knowing it may not be for me
My dream is a small cottage by a bay in Maine

Silly isn't it?

These little dreams are what we hold on to
as motivation, something to keep us going

Wether they are ever realized or not
They become a part of who we are

A little fantasy no one can take away

Where do I belong on this scetchy line?

Laying here all I am aware of is a stomach
Singing in my room I imagine myself a perfect star
Getting ready for an event
all I see is flaws blinding my view of the mirror
Ready to go out and have fun I only feel confident
Walking with perfection passing me
and I feel like I'm a a grape in a box of raisins
I decide not to care how I look to others
Then I see a magazine shamming a beautiful woman

Someday I will find peace with myself

By then will I be skinny and beautiful?
Or will I be actually happy with the way I am?

I'm so broken

that isn't who I want to be

in my perfect image of myself I'm so strong

bother mentally and physically

so strong that I'm invincible

no one can hurt me

no one can get inside my mind and distort it.

Not a single person can break me ever again

That man...no, boy from my past

he couldn't force himself on me ever again

I could stand up and punch the lights out of him

and wouldn't be mentally and emotionally scarred.

All my wounds from the past would heal over

I could conquer the world

do exactly what I want to.


But that's just a dream

Someone I could talk to all day
to whom I could sit and listen to all the time

I'll find you one day
Or who knows?
Maybe you will find me

Someone who could put up with all my words
maybe forgive all my stupid mistakes
Who is as crazy as I and is comfortable with being different

We could be different and weird together
and we wouldn't care what people thought

'Cause we would be lost in each others' eyes

I need to cry, shout out in frustration
That would bring attention in the city streets
and I cannot set a bad example in my uniform
I have to quietly walk these halls with a smile
As an internal storm rages on

You tell me no,
a life moving every four or so years
is the worst time.

But you don't get it.
I'm not planning this with the conscious knowledge
that it would uproot my children
like you were growing up

Because I don't want kids in the torn world
and moving is good for me.
I make too many mistakes to stay in a place too long

Even here I have worn my welcome

The big fat drops came falling down
A soaking my hair
my shirt and bare arms

Shoes splashed in the forming puddles
seeping in to my feet

Awareness of each drop
willing every splash to become absorbed into my skin

I could have stood in the rain for hours
even as the drop turned into a torrent

Just stood there
being a part of the rain

becoming no one,
just an object between the clouds above and the ground below

Accepting the drops
as they ran down around me

Sometimes a moment can change your mind
when you are ready to give up,
a good moment can make you continue on
because of the people that made that moment special

Then later when you have changed your mind
because of that one moment
you may find ou that moment meant nothin to those involved
That you meaned nothing and the momen was forgettable.

That's one of the worst feelings of all.
That something you thought was special
Really meant nothing

I'm exploring this new landscape everyday
and everyday I find something new

Every crevasse of your personality
Each word you say

Your blue eyes...

and open smile

I may not like what I end up finding
but this journey of discovery
is a change in pace
and new and exciting adventure

Come join me
and maybe what I will find

Is happiness

Sitting atop my perch the wind howls on
While some might find it annoying
as it whips around their hair
It is a comforting feeling for me
As the others move behind glass
I stand until I am alone

Just me and the wind
and the rushing cars below

My friends.
They used to help me
Expand my imagination
explore new worlds
maybe learn something on the way.

But now my friends are a crutch
They help pull me away from this broken world
instead of taking in a new imagination
I sprint through the different worlds
hungry for more, more, more
My friends keep feeding me release
and I keep needing more

More and more places to run to
worlds that can me only mine for a short time

Places to escape to

Anywhere is fine

Anywhere but here

Points of view always changing
Here's another angle,
look at things this way

When do we ever know
if our angle is right?
If their angle is right?
Thy always tell us
"Look at in another perspective"
But if we do that,
when will we ever have a perspective of our own?

There is a dangerous aspect of summer

Some friends may leave for a while
and there is so much time to think of those that remain

I wish I had work today
even school sounds nice

Anything to keep my mind off of you.

With the coming of summer is the coming of time
Time to really think,
To open your heart and turn off your brain

But it's my brain that has saved my heart
I don't need another thing broken

So I stand in the tiny crowd
That wishes school would come quickly

All this time I wish it were you

You that is supporting me,
You who is making me smile.
Who is working with me
to make this beautiful music

He isn't you,
he tries so hard,
but he will never replace someone
who only exists in my heart.

No one listens but that doesn't matter
No one listens, but if they don't care, I don't, right?

I'll keep writing, talking to myself,
Locking myself in my room with yet another project

Anything do try to convince myself that I don't need anyone
Why should I?

I can do anything on my own

Except make a difference