We love to think we are fine
To live in an illusion of happiness

Something's beneath all that
I'm functioning properly,
I think...
At least to everyone else
At nights it comes out,
Or in.

I can feel everything inside collapse
nothing holding me together
no support beams, not even will.

The interior is deteriorating
Rotten beam by beam
the shell cracking.

It's only a matter of time
until the exterior crumbles

They tell me I'm ready,
that some how I'm going to go out there
all alone
and make a wonderful life for myself


What if I'm not ready?
I don't even know what I want yet
let alone what I need

They say I'm ready
so I must be...right?

Yes, this world is kinda boring
Yes, it often *****

But this is the world you live in
this is the world you are a part of

You can be a part of fantasies
But they aren't your life
As much as you want to be in them
You are not
and you never can be


Get a grip in the world you are stuck in
Because that us your real life

I've never been okay with someone being as close to me
as I am letting you be
ever since nine years ago.

I think I'm ready to start letting that go now
I will always be ruined
a damaged painting
but you are here and you are much closer
then anyone else has been since

Everyday is spent fighting against the current.

Then we are expected to spend a few more hours
treading water

But it's good for us because it's in a different sea, right?

Wrong

This forced trial is one we never wanted to be entered in
And it's wearing us down.

No one sees the aching muscles, the half-dead eyes.
Can't they see that this is slowly killing us?
Killing our spirit, our joy of life.

I'm tired.
Not angry.
I have no energy to be anymore.
We all fight hard at first until we realize,
you cannot hurt water, it will not change for anyone.

Unless we are allowed to put our feet on land

We are just going to waste away in the current

slowly drowning as we are  swept away

When you left you kicked in a little crack
which slowly spread out
Like a car window shield in an accident
set in slow motion
and soon the whole glass was webbed and white

then it started to fall in
first a tiny shard,
a splinter of doubt

now its all falling in
pelting the driver with sharp glass
as he throws his arms up to protect his face

A few pieces of the window shield will remain at the edges
but it can no longer fulfill it's purpose.

That little crack destroyed it all.

I'm so done
with the lies
ignorance
the avoidance of reality.

Wake up, seriously.
None of this will matter years from now
not even a month from now.

I don't want to play the games
nor fight against something superficial

I just want to go where life takes me
and join or be joined by others on the way.

Not get caught up in this tangle
and become trapped trying to straighten it all.

Let me live on my own
If you want to join me, fine.

Just don't **** up my life.

The moment someone is born, they open the door to reality.
Even the smallest crack, and it gives way to a torrent of lights.
Each little light will surround you,
consume you,
become you.

Over time, you become invisible.
All anyone can see is the lights around you.

These lights, these ideas, these thoughts
They are not your own.
They are of the world,
more than willing to force them upon you.

You can try to shut that door,
to contain the current of lights.

but have you ever tried to stop a huge wave from crashing in?

Nothing turns out the way you expect
No matter how well you plan,
things are going to happen

We fall in and out of love
(Or is it just fascination?)
We achieve great heights and we fall
(Were we ever where we thought we were anyways?)
The world will turn your life around
(For better or worse, we do not know)

But we can always trust
that in the midst of pain and suffering
of surprises and set backs

There is a beautiful life being lived
how could it be anything but?
It is our own

I know I don't care
It's understood that this wont matter
that in three years this will be a stupid memory

But it still hurts when I try to talk
and you turn away
when I'm trying to be nice
and I'm simply shrugged off

I understand I'm intense
I get that I'm a huge part of the fun

But I'm more then that
Just no one wants to see it

The expectations were high,
the nerves were about to explode

But I was ready.

This is what I had trained for
Even if I got my time from last year
I would be fine, it would be good.

But it wasn't

I tried so hard but my legs didn't want to listen
My throat wouldn't let air into my lungs
My mind was ready to give up.

When he told me the time with sigh

I wanted to curl up in a corner
To never show my face in public again,
not even to my 'understanding' friends

All that was for nothing
I wasn't what I thought I was

I am a failure