You may have died young,
        but as long as
        my words live,

*You will never grow old.

I think the worst kind of sadness
comes from within

The kind of sadness
that hits you with no explanation

The kind of sadness
after watching the one you love walk away

The kind of sadness
when you're choking with thoughts

The kind of sadness
that makes happiness seem unattainable

The kind of sadness
when you've scarred the one you love

The kind of sadness
that makes you feel
like
it's
the
end
of
the
world
.

The memories haunt my every thought.
The sound of Daddy’s footsteps creaking every night.
The sound of the doorknob turning slowly.
The sound of Daddy’s voice.
And I grew jealous that Daddy rather,
spend time with her than with me.
But something told me that
I dare not say anything.

I was 6 and you were 7.
You were my sister, my very best friend.
But with the noises and cries I heard late at night,
you were slipping away from me.
But I dare not say anything.

I grew to hate you as Daddy
loved you more than me.
He held your hand and kissed your head
but he never touched me.
But I dare not say anything.

As years went on I grew terrified
that Daddy would come to me.
Because I knew something was bad.
And I didn’t wish he would touch me anymore.
But I dare not say anything.

You were 11 and I was 10.
And one day it stopped.
I never heard Daddy in your room again.
I never heard anything ever again.
No goodbye’s or hello’s or any words at all.
Like silence could hold the secret that
they both knew was true.
But I dare not say anything.

You grew too thin, too pale, too weak.
You disappeared for days at a time  
with too many boys much too old.
You did too many drugs that no one knew.
But at night I could still hear you crying
alone in the same room.
But I dare not say anything.

But now I realize
why you did
what you did.  
I just didn’t understand.
but now I do.
And I am so so sorry.

                                                               ­                   But I dare not say anything.
  
(j.j)

I try to uncover what’s underneath;
I try to uncover what’s hiding beneath these sheets.
They decorate my soul, create this person who I am,
but they’re beginning to tear, tear right at the hem.
I’m not sure why I am this way,
though I constantly search each & every day.
I try to find the answers as to what I do and what I say,
though none come up each & every day.
I trace it to my childhood; the tangled roots start there;
of love & misfortune; the burden too often too heavy to bare.
I struggle with memory, as it tears a gaping hole,
Of smacks & bruises that coated your aching soul.
These visions –though conducive to my progression-
are often the reason for my rage & aggression.
Did you not love us? Were we not fair?
Did we not have perfect teeth? Did we not have perfect hair?
Were we not the model children –the ones perfect for your show?
Why did you have to break us & torture us with each & every blow?
“The drugs,” the drugs; the God ****** drugs are to blame, right?
Then why –without the drugs- do you cause me such fright!?
I want to incriminate the drugs for the abuse;
I wish I could, I wish I could, but there’s no use!
How can drugs create an entirely new monster, such an evil spawn?
The devil was always inside of you, no matter how much coke you were on!
But if you’re the devil, what does that make me?
If you’re the devil, is that what I’m meant to be?
My life is dictated by what has occurred in the past;
I leave it behind, but it never truly lasts.
How do I leave behind what has made me -created me?  
How do I let it go & expect to be?
Do I create a new person –is that what’s left to do?
But how am I supposed to be me without you?

you don't need a boy
to pick you up when you are down
you have yourself

don't drown yourself
when you know how to swim

stay awake until you are tired
do not force yourself to sleep, or to stay conscious

if someone asks you how your day was
don't lie and say it was good, if it was not
they asked because they care

do not fear the indifference you feel
you are not numb to the whole world and it will pass

don't do anything unless you want to
this goes for ***, school, work and love

nothing in this world comes above your health
if it means failing a test, losing a job, or ending a relationship
do what you must to withhold your wellbeing

all bad things in moderation can be good
moderation is key here

love is never to be feared, nor is it to be abused
love is to be taken when needed
and given back when necessary

nobody can tell you how to live or who to love
nobody but yourself

if that boy you like
asks to take you out on a drive at midnight
and you don't think you can go, do it anyway
but stay safe

face the consequences of all of your actions
with dignity and pride

it's Friday night and the week has been tough
don't give up now
take a sip of  your parents' rosé wine
coat your lips in rouge
and love yourself