I can't tell the difference between it being a craving & me missing it. They feel like they're one in the same most of the time & to be honest, I'm not sure how to feel about that. When it's a part of you for so long, when it's become such a natural response/activity, how do you let go? How do you stop yourself from enjoying it? More importantly, what the **** is wrong with me to feel that way in the first place?

My mind races, I can't control it & I fear I'll **** up again because I can't organize my thoughts

I just want to ******* shut it off

I want to open my mouth & scream,

I can't take this hurt inside of me.

I want to cut open a vein & bleed free,

I can't take this pain inside of me.

So I said I'm looking for the answers, I'm looking for a sign,
But I should be looking elsewhere
'Cause the answers I can't seem to find.
I'm searching for some guidance,
I'm searching for a prayer;
Somebody who can help me,
Somebody to get me there.
God & myself, my only chance at hope;
God & myself, my only ways to cope.
I'm looking for an answer, I said I'm looking for a sign,
But the only real place I should be looking is inside.

My sweet love,

My dearest love, how I wish I could repair what has been broken inside of you..
How I wish I could have saved you from all the hurt of your past..
How I wish I could save you from the haunting demons that still stalk you.

I wish I could save you, my love, but contrary to what you may call me, I'm no wonder woman.

My fresh wound burns & stings with each flick of the wrist,
with each twist of the hand,
with each reminder of the razor's sharp kiss.

My mind is racing with guilt & shame & remorse;
I wish I could take it back;
I fear this has set me off course.

I don't want to think of it anymore, I don't want to write about it, I don't want to see it.
Bandage it up & let it stitch itself together - I'm done.

& so I accept that this world isn't as black & white as I may have hoped it would be.

Falling down when you've been preaching of light & recovery doesn't make you a fake; it makes you terribly REAL. It makes you HUMAN. & sometimes that's the problem -we're human & we're sensitive & we sometimes stumble & fall, but I'm determined to win this battle.

I am stronger than this pain.