She felt as if she was going to explode. She hated herself, the guilt began to consume her as she waded in her own disgust. Ugly, fat, and now a failure. For once she wanted to follow through and make the voices in her head going against her demons proud. Not yesterday, unfortunately not today, but maybe (probably not) tomorrow.

But, we want to stay with you... forever.

There's only one thought on her mind. Nothing but this single thought mattered. Just one, nightmarish, thought racing through her head.

But the voices were far too cunning to ignore.

Get rid of it!!! Get rid of it now!! If you don't you will be a failure. A fat failure!! Get rid of it while you still can. All of it.

She walks calmly past her mother; her composure plays the role of some sort of genius guise. She'll never know, no one will ever know. At least for now.

Hurry up!!! You wouldn't want all that to settle, would you?

The toothbrush was sitting where she had put it that morning, after using it to brush her teeth. This time, it was being used for a different purpose. A disgusting, wonderful, agonizing, joyful, painful, perfect, ugly, beautiful, addictive, freeing purpose.

What are you waiting for?! Do it now silly girl.

Nothing else made her feel so powerful.

That's how it's suppose to feel. That's how you know you're doing it right.

Many minutes zipped by, as if her brain pressed the fast forward button. She quietly got up, flushed the toilet, turned the water off, brushed her teeth, changed clothes, and exited the bathroom. The cold, hard floors were all too familiar to her beaten down knees.

Good girl.

47 minutes had passed during her absence.

She began to feel anger for herself. Once, just once, if she could go a whole day without deprivation or gluttony, maybe she could feel what it was like to function properly.

But, we're proud of you!!

All she wanted was to be able to go out with her friends and not be terrified. The secret must stay a secret.

No one can know about me!!

She began to think out loud.

"How will I ever become fully recover(ed)?"

As if on cue, the demons inside her head replied.

*You won't.

It's funny how deceiving an individual can be
You see only what they let you see
But wait there's more
You are just as deceiving as the next guy

We are masked and wrapped up and protected
For one purpose and one purpose only
To protect our innermost self
The person that only one set of eyes has seen

Every last person has a veil of secrets over themselves
And they hide behind it as the seconds, minutes, hours, and days pass by
Watching, waiting
But for what?
What are we all waiting for?
That is the unanswered question

I must extend my humble opinion to you
I feel obligated, you see, to share an answer that fits the blanks for me
We are all waiting for each other to do the same thing
To reveal themselves, remove their veil of secrets, and
*Step out of the masquerade

i seem to speak my mind when i write poetry
i wouldn't venture to consider them 'poems'
they are more of a snippet from my mind
all of the wondrous and terrible thoughts
that i withhold in this
bursting mind of mine

my mind is a terrible place, i wouldn't visit willingly
i withhold nightmares of my past and
nightmares i know are destined to be
my future
i create vivid dreams and scenarios of my fantasy world
which i live in

my mind wanders to and from my habits,
both cheap and expensive
but who am i to tell you what my mind is
for after all, it is a place you will never see

how lucky for you