Your heart hides behind a wall much taller than me.
Fear makes your voice shake.
I can sense it.

You want to love something delicate, something fragile.
But too afraid that you will destory it in the end.

So your mind tosses and turns.
Back and forth with the idea that these feelings are real.
That maybe you could feel human again.

And with every good thought, there are two bad ones after.
That you're a monster in disguise.
Just for a little bit.

And maybe if you gave yourself the time of day...
You could see that your heart is actually beating.
Defrosting from the past.

I wish you would accept the love you give
and the love you could receive.
Because deep down I know you're wishing for something brilliant.
Something that hasn't happened, at least not yet.

Take her hand before it fades into a memory.
Make this moment worth it.
She's worth the try.
You're worth it, without a question.

Why do I always search for the love I need to give myself?

I feel lost in a world I know little about.
And I carry everything with me.
Because it is all I have.

Even if it gets heavy...
I don't want you to lift a finger of it.

Deep down I crave for someone to lighten the load.
But I refuse.

If you were to walk with me though...
I would feel so much better.

Your voice strengthens me to keep going.

I've stepped back for a moment...
To let it all sink in.
Walls still falling, but at a slower pace.

I do not wish to rebuild them.

I am searching for myself through the fog.
As hard as that may seem.

Lost are the parts of me I wish to find again.
The magic has faded.

I will strengthen it again.
I will begin again.

The scene is changing...
And the romance is fading.

We are two people in the same room.
Who have nothing to talk about.

Silence is our new conversation.
Maybe we just aren't listening enough.

The rain has made the day seem dreary.
And my socks are soaking wet.
The dog is muddy now.
He needs a bath.

What happened to our spark?
The dates seem lonely.
Dinners seem cold.
The nights end early.

We lie there holding each other...
But to me it doesn't feel the same.

As if I am just there.
Not as your lover.
Not as your friend.

Just...
Someone to hold.

She sways like the wind that touches her…
Seduced by the sun and moon.

Kissing the sand.

Passion.

She never cries.
But she will hold you in her arms.

You might get lost in her…
She’s far more complex than anything you have ever seen.

Her touch leaves you to wonder…
What else could she be hiding.

So you search her…
For all her secrets and all her treasures.

The beautiful and the ugly.
The lost and found.

Forever she remains in the same place.
Welcoming you with open arms.

So go explore her.
But be careful…

She is precious.
She is fragile.

She may turn you upside down.
Or even leave you breathless.

You are warned.
But you are loved.

By her.

I am the sunrise
And like The Sun, I shine for everyone.
The work I’m putting in may go unnoticed...

But there will be greatness shining throughout me. And everyone will pay attention.

I dance with the night like my shadow plays in the day. I’m in the midst of creating something beautiful.

Let’s run until the sun can’t find us anymore.
Somewhere unexplored…

And if the wind should follow,
let it sing to us the songs of freedom.

Because nothing feels better than this.

Our shadows are no longer chasing us.
Friends are in the distance,
but still close enough behind.

Winter’s kiss cannot reach us.
The moon is our only light.

And with our eyes we will see more beauty than we saw before.

Because this time it’s different.
This time…
It’s real.

The questions kept coming...
Like my mind was a glass filling with water.

I could drown or swim...

To sink or to sail?

I have chosen to hold my breath...
To force myself to the surface.

To force myself back into existence.

I am the only one who can save me.

I leave you with your own imagination
Your hands create magic I have not seen.

But I am curious...

What will become
of this little indie film you're writing?

Time keeps slipping away.
And we watch it fall into the abyss.
Forever lost.
So we think.

The silence is here now.
Have we hit our target?
Not yet.

My insanity keeps me awake at night.
Insomnia seems so routine.

Where dreams become just fragments of memories…

The streets are still hot from the summer’s day.
And I can’t help but still feel so cold.

My life is just a bunch of images running through my mind.
Bits and pieces get torn in the process.
But I can still tell you most things in detail.

Much like a photograph has a story behind it…
My life is just a story.
But in this story…
There are no pages to be turned…
Although, there are a few chapters.

Isn’t that what life is though?
A living, breathing story?

We put our lives every where…
But just remember it always started with keeping it filed in your mind.
A mental camera.

Soon we were keeping journals and diaries…
Now here I am…
Publishing.

My mind creates thoughts fast enough for my hands to say.
Before my mouth can even form sound.

Where the words are spinning and I catch glances.
Soon, I piece together the puzzle within each day.
Making odd ramblings of nothing sound so creative.
But sometimes they still just feel like a jumble of words.

I will never stop though.

We are all here to tell our story.
Even if no one is willing to listen.

We still put it out there hoping it will catch someone’s eyes.
So we can inspire.

Remembering we got inspired by someone who did it before us.

My dark passenger is asking to drive.
But I refuse to let him.

I know where he wants to go.
I  know what is waiting for us.

But I won't let him tempt me.

The burn of the alcohol kissing my lips...
Now just a memory.

So tempting, so very tempting.

There's a certain feeling I get when you miss me...
It's sinister and almost evil
Devilish is my ego that continues to feed on your what ifs.
I'll dance in the rain the of your tears
The what could have beens...
You'll wonder why I wasn't the one.
I'll smile knowing it wasn't meant to be.

For a slight moment in time...
You had me fooled
But I won't forget what you taught me

I've remembered how powerful I am.
And I choose to move on despite the challenges.

You hurt me.
With your words...
Your actions.
Your hands.

Why?

What did I ever do to you?
I loved you.

And now here you are...
Wanting me back...
Because I finally got the courage to leave.

How dare you.
How dare you say you've changed when you haven't.

I can never forgive you for what you have done to me.

The bruises.
The anxiety.

You took away my freedom.
You took away my fire.
My passion.
My happiness.

I feel sick.

The things you did to me...
Even when I said no.
'No' never meant anything to you.
You did what you wanted to do anyways.

And now you sit there...
Dumbfounded.
Questioning why I left...

Maybe you're too high to realize...
Maybe you're blaming me for not communicating.

But it was you.
And I have finally had enough.

So maybe this chapter needed to be read again.
Because somewhere between the first few dates and fights...
I got lost.

I'm wondering if opening it up repeatedly has accomplished anything at all.

It's as if we are two very different people who just ache for each other's heart.
But nothing else.

I question what could have been.
If I had stayed writing new chapters with you...

But I have to remind myself...
The tears were real.
That as much as I wanted to stay, I wanted to leave just a little bit more.

And maybe you'll wish upon your birthday candles that I'll come home.

Chances are though, it won't come true.

Because as much as I want you to be happy...
I just cannot be a part of it any longer.

I'll sip this whiskey like you sipped glances at me.
I'm buzzed thinking of your smile.

It was like we took small steps before we leaped.
And here we are wanting to risk it all...
But still trying to shield ourselves just in case we are wrong.

I can't tell you what the future holds.
But if you're by my side, I think we might be able to rule the world.

It's hard for me to read you.
Everything is still so new.
But I am trying my best to understand.

I want to be the mature adult with the heart of a child.
Who is afraid to grow up but also afraid not to.

I'm torn between the past and present.

Going to bed, replaying the day's events.

Questioning if I have learned from pasts mistakes...
Or if I have repeated them.

For me, the first rough draft is always the hardest.
I'm filled with questions, worries, and excitement.

Because I feel like we have the potential to be something amazing.
I just often wonder if you feel the same.

But I have to remember this is just our first draft.
And that I live in my mind more than my entire body.
I always try to be two steps ahead...

So I can look back and see the outcome.
If it's bad, my heart has been saved by me being cautious.
If it's good, I breathe a sigh of relief.

I don't know why I am like this.

You can't just keep popping into my life spontaneously.
Just when I think I am done having feelings for you...
You seem to just come back full swing.

**** it.

Do you know how frustrating it is to have such a connection?
To want things from another person because you feel it is right?

You don't give me the time of ******* day.
Unless you choose to.

It is always when you choose to.

I don't know what to do.

I question if I should leave you questioning where I am...
And how I am doing...
A taste of your own medicine...
To just read the messages you send me and only reply when I feel like it.

It kills me inside that there so many love songs that remind me of you.
It kills me that you're eventually going to say sorry and give some **** poor excuse as to why you have been absent in my life...

So what the **** are you?
What the **** do you want?

What the **** do I even want anymore?

It's too light out to be thinking this dark...

The full moon gleams in all it's glory tonight.

Even the clouds are awake.
The stars blanket around the ideas of who we are...
They whisper of our success.

I'm trapped in a maze I've created myself.
But the moon will guide me home.

Alone.
But here.

And there is no stopping me from shining.

Here I am.
A little light shielded with shadows.

I haven't seen the world,
or done much.

But I'm here.
I want you to know I exist.

I'm not out to define myself...
I'm just out to find myself...

Empty.
The room.
The bed.
Everything.

A soul searching for something more.
And leaving me behind.

But we will meet again.

That, I know.

The clocks seem dead.
My mind spins.

Everything is where it should be.

It was fast at the start
And as we slowed down...
The roots began to dig into the dirt.
Something grew over time

And here we were,
new to this
with a familiar feeling we carried
all along

My heart has scars thicker than the fog in the morning.
Everything has begun to roll off like it's nothing.
Because I've felt more painful heartache than this before.

You can try to string me along for ages.
I will follow halfheartedly.

I am not really phased by your state of mind.
I'm not afraid of the abyss we seem to find ourselves in.

A black hole of emptiness and fulfillment at the same time.

It's strange isn't it?
To risk anything at all.
Hoping for something more...
Or for the strength to move on from something that could have been.

The wine is all gone.
And you've left me just as empty as the bottle.

I felt our chemistry was real.
That this connection was magical in a sense.

It all came crashing down in flames.

I'm scarred from the burns.

My heart aches with sadness for the love you pretended to give.
I lay here in bed with this painful pressure upon me.
It's heavy.

Heavy like the heart I carry I suppose.

I feel used.
I feel as though every conversation has been a lie on your end.

I am vulnerable.

I showed you my weaknesses.
I showed you my strengths.

I feel high from a drug I can no longer score.
The cravings are real.
The pain is real.

But I don't know if you're real.

Being ignored is painful.
Because I'm left full of questions I wish to have answered.

I question if I did anything wrong or if you're feeling something you're not telling me.

You're not telling me anything at all.
I find it so frustrating.

Because this seems more difficult than it needs to be.
And I've tried reaching out to you.
But instead you ignore me.

I don't know why.
And maybe the best thing for me is to move forward from all of this.
To go back to before we even started talking.
Because I cannot keep having this reoccurring pain of loneliness waiting for you to come around again.
You always disappear at some point.
I'm tired of trying to get you to speak to me.
I'm tired of trying to get you to see me.
I'm tired of trying to get you at all.

In my dreams it's all real once again.
I can't shake the thought that you feel free leaving me...

Life continues...
And for the most part I would say I am fine without you.

But occasionally, you appear in my dreams...
Reminding me what I've had...
What I've lost...

A power you still have over me.
Waking with an old familiar feeling once again.

I know that this is how it's meant to be.
But there's always that split second of willingness to go with you...
If you asked...

It screams risk.
It screams adventure.

But I know I'd be rereading an old chapter...
Nothing's really changed even though I wish it would.

I’ve been sipping on your words like wine
Extracting every delicious flavor
and component

The enjoyment
in what seems like a simple act.

But warms my body and mind
in ways I’ve never felt before.

Do I know you?

That question shouldn't affect me and yet it does...
I don't need to answer it.

And yet I feel as though I am one of the faceless people.
The ones that you pass every day not knowing their names.

But they knew mine.
We had conversations.

And yet I'm the one standing here trying to make myself seem like something more than I was.

I was invisible.
To all of them.

I see that now.

I only know how to hurt...
To walk these roads alone.

I will break your heart.
The question is when?

The suspense will **** you before you ever know.

And I am suffocating with thoughts.

I will hurt you just so you will leave.
So that you will know how cold I really am.

I may not be the girl you know.
At least...
Not anymore.

There was no mask upon my face.
And maybe the feelings were true.

But over time those feelings seemed to fade.
And when I saw you...
I didn't recognize you.
Just a stranger.

We are just...
Strangers.

The rain softens the leaves that have fallen.
Pushing some life back into them.

Hopefully.

I’m drenched in more than just the sweetness.

A feeling of comfort.
A feeling of being understood.

Finally.

But everything is backwards.
The emotions.
The speaking of them.
Everything.

But I don’t care.

I’ll wait till spring.
Or however long it will take.

For the rain to put some life back into me.

As we danced among the fireflies...
The moon smiled.

The sea began to kiss the shore.
Just as you kissed me.

My hummingbird of a heart began to flutter.

I don't want to leave this place.
I don't want these feelings to fade.

So let's keep dancing.
So let's keep kissing.

Until the lights go out.

You dangle yourself in front of me
With a smile that’s almost devilish
I sin at the thought of you.

Why does this ignite a flame within me?

I cannot picture a day starting...
Without you still snuggling me in bed.

I cannot imagine an afternoon of grabbing coffee without you.

When I hear of loved ones that have passed,
I cry because losing you would be the end of me.

You are my soul mate, my partner, my best friend.
And I cannot see myself being without you.

You know me inside and out.
So well sometimes that I get mad.
Because I think no body knows me.
But you do.
Better than anyone else.

At times we fight and go to bed mad...
I still tell you I love you before we fall asleep.
Because I do even though we argue.
Nothing will ever change that.

Though our pasts still have sensitive subjects...
And our own depression has caused us pain...

Now we have each other.
And I am more me than I have ever been.
Because you encourage me to be myself.
That...
Being me is beautiful and smart.
Even when I don't think I am.

There are so many more words I could say.
About how much I love you.
A novel's worth or more.
Endless love.

But this is just one.

With every tear shed...
I leave behind the remains of a shattered heart.

And though it may still feel like a freshly cut wound...
I gather myself the best I can.
Every moment spent feels wasted.

All for nothing.

You've left a sour taste in my mouth.
And I've yet to remember what sweetness is.

Maybe I'm not who I used to be.

And maybe you're not either.

What I am right now
is a work in progress

I do not live for your results
I live for mine

And with every darkening hour
The light still peeks in

I  am willing to keep moving through the night
There is no need for sleep

When reality has become sweeter than my dreams.

You've been hurt.
And the pain is still there from what I can see.

But I want to know who you are.
And what battles you've won.

Because you mean something to me.
I don't want you to fade into a memory that I turn back to and wonder.

Deep down, I want to know what will happen with us.

Because everything about you melts my heart.

The darkness has seemed to have faded.
My mind has more light.
So does my heart.

I feel as though nothing will be good enough now.
As if all inspiration and reality has been lost.

That my darkness was the only thing keeping me sane.
It's no longer here to help the words flow.

The depression has since disappeared.
And all my rawness with it.

A part of me is missing.
Even if it was my demon.

My demon has left me.
With nothing.

Not a **** thing.

And I can't help but feel somewhat relieved.
But still somewhat saddened by the loss of words.

The words that I can no longer put together to show my darkness...
My inner demon of despair.

Because it is no longer with me...
And I've nothing great to say.

Everyone around me says it is not abuse.
That the love we have is worth fighting for.

Even though I am told what to wear.
How to speak.

I am the bad person.
I am the one making up lies they say.
It's not abuse they say.
I'm just overreacting.

And maybe I am...
But I never feel happy anymore.
As if my soul has already left my body.

So many tears are shed every day.
Depression brings thoughts of suicide.

I think about it daily.

I went to bed alone last night.
He didn't care that I was upset.
He didn't care to talk to me.
He just wanted to watch television.

Maybe I am being overly sensitive.
Some say I have someone else in mind.

But I really don't.

Some say I'm just bored with my relationship.
I don't think I am.

I have dreams of driving away and never looking back.
I'm scared to leave.

Emotionally drained.
I am not me anymore.

I am someone who has been molded for someone else.

You are gone...
But not far away.

Beneath this roof with the cat and dog, we stay...
Waiting for you to return...
home for the day.

I'll cook you dinner and make dessert.
I will show you how much I miss you in many ways.

First dinner, then dessert, then from there we will lay...
On the couch holding hands forever in a trance of what this love means to us.

With you it's effortless when it seems like it should be.
And the times we spend in misunderstandings end before the day does.
We don't go to bed angry.

How wonderful it is you see...
The fact that I...
Feel like the luckiest person in the world to wake up next to you.

Each morning and each night we intertwine like we are the high school sweetheart couple (even though we met much later than that).

With you it feels like the first time.
Because the moment I met you, my world instantly changed...

It continues to be the best chapter of my life that I neglected to write down until now. So this is where I want to begin, by writing it down so far...

The night I met you it was an unexpected spark. I had seen you a couple of nights before at the same bar. The only bar I think that is cool in this town. It was a Thursday when I first saw you. I was on the dance floor with some co-workers. You walked across the bar with your drink... In your Hawaiian shirt. But honestly the very first thing I noticed was your hair. It's so bleach blonde...I instantly knew you were a surfer. I thought you were interesting. But I didn't go up to you that night.

Saturday evening that same week I decided to have a beer and see what was going on outside on the patio. It was a safari of people, so I sat down to observe everyone around me. I didn't expect someone to sit down next to me... I really didn't expect some drunk lady to start complimenting me all of a sudden. A drug rehabilitation nurse who would not stop talking about nursing a bunch of alcoholics ironically... But you saved the day. I saw you walk towards me and I grabbed your arm. I said talked about how I had seen you a couple of nights earlier. You seemed stoked because you were smiling really big. Your eyes were so amazing upon closer inspection. They still are, I love waking up next to you.

We talked about things we have in common. Enough to where you bought me another beer and we went up and sat in the little nook. It was a peaceful little spot, we both enjoyed watching the people walk up and down the stairs of the house. The bar seems to be more like a house party all the time rather than an average bar anyways.

We were talking and all of a sudden some girls said that we were a cute couple. We both were shocked and didn't know what to say so we said thanks. A while later two other girls came up to us and started saying we should kiss... I wanted to, so I got up and kissed you. You blushed, it was great. And then you kissed me back.

Last call came, and the bar closed. So you asked me if I wanted to smoke in your car and hang out for a little bit longer. We did. I remember I thought it was so polite of you when you walked me back to my car. We kissed and it was magical. Before we parted ways I handed you flowers I had in my car (left over centerpieces from a pretty wedding) and told you not enough guys get flowers. I drove away thinking I was such an idiot and what was I thinking giving a guy flowers? You've since told me you thought it was sweet and your friends agreed that a girl really likes you if she gives you something. I was hoping to see you again after that night, because you gave me butterflies. Even though you still give me them to me.

I feel like I've known you all of my life. I love you.

I find myself thinking of you.
The you I have fantasized...
Not who you really are.

In my head the idea of you is perfect.
In my head the scenarios play out in my favor.

But in reality...
I have blocked you out completely.
Because you don't care enough to stay.

So why should I let you even look?
Why should I give you the right to walk in and out when you please?

I don't.
I won't.

I know you well enough as to what you'll do.
I know myself well enough that I will allow it to happen all over again.

But not this time.

The rain has stopped falling.
But I haven’t.

I’m lost in a dream world that could not possibly be real.

You tell me it is.
So I believe you.

And with the wind caressing my hair,
we stand and watch the world move.

The sea smells of salt.
The city air is thick.

And we have no time limit.

People are rushing around us.
Noise fills the sky.

Chaos doesn’t feel chaotic at all.
It feels natural.

Normal.

For the first time in a long time...
I heard your voice.
It sounded so familiar.
But still so new.

As words were exchanged...
I couldn't help but feel that it was just like old times.

Where you would call in the middle of the night when neither of us could sleep.

And we would lie in our beds with smiles on our faces.
Because we both knew something was there.

Maybe we didn't give each other enough time.
Maybe it was just the way things were...

But all those bad times I don't look back on.
Just the good ones.

Like dinners at midnight.
Or hot baths we relaxed in.

There was something.
We were something.

And in the end when I saw it coming...
Though it was a surprise to you...
I left with tears in my eyes.

Not just because my heart was hurting.
But because what we had was something special.

Now I just have memories.
I didn't want to love you again.
Because it hurts too much.
Just like it did the last time.

The stars have aligned.
Galaxies begin to explode once we kiss.

Chemistry is being made.
And no one else has discovered it.

So we’ll float through the stars…
Weightless.

Breathless.

And when we touch…
Everything speeds up.

The planets move with our bodies.
The stars keep pace with our hearts.

So tell me everything there is to know.
And I’ll listen to every word.

The seasons are changing.
And so am I.

You are too.

We are learning.
Growing.

Loving you is one of the best things.
Afternoons in bed are one of the great things.

Kisses are endless.
Laughs as well.

You don’t know what you do to me.

If I could go back and start over, I would begin with you and I.

We were kids dying from addictions.
And we didn't know how to handle it.

Depression was killing me.
****** was slowly killing you.

I didn't know at first...
How deeply you've been scarred.

But as our teenage love unfolded,
each page held dark secrets that we couldn't even tell each other at first.

Eventually we did. I began to understand the pain you felt every day. The torturous pain. I ache for you to this day. Wishing I would have been there for you more.

You became more distant.
And my parents weren't fond of you either.

Heartbroken.

As we tried to sneak around like some tale from far ago, it became tiring...
It became a decision.
That tossed back and forth longer than I thought it would go.

I know you loved me I could see it in your eyes and the way you would smile at me, I loved you too.

You're gone now.
And as I wish that I would have kept all the things you've given me...

I wish more than anything that I could thank you.

Because without you, I wouldn't know what love is.

We're falling apart.
Slowly, but surely.

I'm sure we will both reminisce of better days...

But you've fallen in love with someone new.
And I've had it with your fickle ****.

So we seem to just be strangers now.

And on that rare occurrence that we talk...
Everything is comfortable.
Natural.

But I dislike your distance.
I've told you many times.
And you always say sorry...
As if that means anything to me anymore.

So we'll go through life secretly loving each other.
Never being able to tell each other how we really feel.

I'm okay with that.

I want to be on your mind...
Like the errands you are supposed to run.
And like the lyrics you write.

I don't know where my heart is going to take me...
But I'm listening...

Even more so than before.

I have shed a dead skin.
A chapter closed with a kiss...

The journey continues onward.
There's no stopping me now.

Believing in myself feels new.
But I am willing to risk whatever it takes...

For me to see it all.