If I could go back and start over, I would begin with you and I.

We were kids dying from addictions.
And we didn't know how to handle it.

Depression was killing me.
****** was slowly killing you.

I didn't know at first...
How deeply you've been scarred.

But as our teenage love unfolded,
each page held dark secrets that we couldn't even tell each other at first.

Eventually we did. I began to understand the pain you felt every day. The torturous pain. I ache for you to this day. Wishing I would have been there for you more.

You became more distant.
And my parents weren't fond of you either.

Heartbroken.

As we tried to sneak around like some tale from far ago, it became tiring...
It became a decision.
That tossed back and forth longer than I thought it would go.

I know you loved me I could see it in your eyes and the way you would smile at me, I loved you too.

You're gone now.
And as I wish that I would have kept all the things you've given me...

I wish more than anything that I could thank you.

Because without you, I wouldn't know what love is.

We're falling apart.
Slowly, but surely.

I'm sure we will both reminisce of better days...

But you've fallen in love with someone new.
And I've had it with your fickle ****.

So we seem to just be strangers now.

And on that rare occurrence that we talk...
Everything is comfortable.
Natural.

But I dislike your distance.
I've told you many times.
And you always say sorry...
As if that means anything to me anymore.

So we'll go through life secretly loving each other.
Never being able to tell each other how we really feel.

I'm okay with that.

I want to be on your mind...
Like the errands you are supposed to run.
And like the lyrics you write.

I don't know where my heart is going to take me...
But I'm listening...

Even more so than before.

I have shed a dead skin.
A chapter closed with a kiss...

The journey continues onward.
There's no stopping me now.

Believing in myself feels new.
But I am willing to risk whatever it takes...

For me to see it all.

Show me the sunshine and I’ll show you the heat.

We can teach each other many things.
Like how to dance on the moon.
Or when to pick the perfect apple.

The night calls out more names than I’m used to.
But you show me how to listen carefully.

And you hold my hand through it all.

Your eyes are closed, but I’ll guide you.

We’ll set the sails and carry on.
Open mind, open sea.

Where time and space don't matter.
Only our lungs can move us there.

Light the match and watch it burn.
Show me what you know…

And I’ll lead you to it’s finally resting place.
A proper funeral for a necessity.

Nails and screws.
Built on nothing more than hope and faith.

I’ll save you from the nightmares at dawn.
So hold on.

Sand and sea.
Salt and air.

Though the air tastes of sweetness.

Don't ask me how I know...
It's something I cannot explain fully myself.

When the lights turn off I still see orbs.

You channeled me from within.
And here I am.

What purpose do I serve you?
And what will you serve me in return?


A mystery...

Is it willing to unfold?


Are we choosing to retrace our steps back to where we came from?
Am I deciding to resurrect something I still don't understand?
Or am I starting to understand it?

The water is cold now...
But I still slither into it.

Life seems to be overwhelming.
With the littlest things I cannot seem to get over.

The scenery is changing...
My mirror tells me I am too.

I cannot move forward.
Blocking my path is...

Myself.

With that self realization I hope I can learn...
Hopefully.

At once I push myself further.
The days become weeks of chiseling away unwanted pieces.
Creating scars that crack deep within.
But worth it.
Even if pain stays.
I will keep working.

I wonder what will happen next...
Or if this will just become another day dream of 'what could have been.'

I'm insecure.
I'm flawed.

Mentally preparing myself for horrible outcomes...
Emotionally trying to remain stable in the midst of chaos.

Chaos that hasn't even begun.
Chaos that may not even begin.

But I am just preparing for the worst.
I feel like it won't hurt as bad if I do.

I hope that this is something good.
I hope that this introduces us to the next chapter of our lives.

I hope you're sitting in the same chair you always did.
Strumming your guitar to a new tune.

I haven't forgotten everything.
Even though I've wanted to.

You're still holding onto me.
My heart is still on a leash.

And with every tug,
I refuse to fall back.
Instead I pull even harder to break free.

I am so close.

The stars aligned just right
and when our eyes met,
it felt like we've always known what this is.

What we are here for.

The desert craves the rain.
Like I crave your attention.

It’s needed.

That quench of thirst that I cannot keep quiet.

Dry.

Aching for a taste of relief.

So give it to me.
I am in need of your eyes gazing into mine.

The feel of your hand on mine.

Just like how the coyote howls at the moon…
I’m waiting for a sign.

So give it to me.

I know you have it.

You’re what I need.

Like the desert needs rain.

My life is just a bunch of images running through my mind.
Bits and pieces get torn in the process.
But I can still tell you most things in detail.

Much like a photograph has a story behind it…
My life is just a story.
But in this story…
There are no pages to be turned…
Although, there are a few chapters.

Isn’t that what life is though?
A living, breathing story?

My mind creates thoughts fast enough for my hands to say.
Before my mouth can even form sound.

Where the words are spinning and I catch glances.
Soon, I piece together the puzzle within each day.
I will never stop though.

We are all here to tell our story.
Even if no one is willing to listen.

We still put it out there hoping it will catch someone’s eyes.
So we can inspire.

Remembering we got inspired by someone who did it before us.

I thought I could brace myself from the impact.
Just in case things went in a direction I didn't want them to.

But alas, 'let's just be friends' hurt harder than getting hit by a truck.

The funny thing is, I had a feeling about it.
One of those...
It seems too good to be true, so it probably is.
**** me.

I feel like an idiot.

And as my friends kiss my newly bleeding wounds...
They tell me this is an experience not a mistake.

Even though I feel like this is a repeat cycle of mistakes.
I always seem to think 'okay this one is different I am certain.'

Only to figure out that I was completely wrong.

I leap into things....
This I know.

But when I love...
I love hard.

And I guess I crash just as hard when it all falls down.

I continue to wonder if I have learned my lesson...
But I don't think I have.

Because I keep repeating things.

I like to think I can spot red flags instantly...
But this one...
This one tricked me pretty well.

Your silence concerns me.
We might be fading out before this even starts.

I feel as though it's a day dream gone too far.
Because in my eyes you seem like you should be mine.

But I don't know what tomorrow holds.
I'm just hoping I get to hold you soon.

Our fear has a tight grip on you and I.
While risk tries to pull us forward from it all.

But we are torn.
Between old and new feelings.

Too scared to make the first move.
Too scared to not make a move at all.

The trees have been blushing this time around...
As I've packed my things and moved on.

Although it only feels like yesterday,
when the waves came crashing down...

I still feel the transition in full motion.

It's been taking a while for this new form of pain to sink in.
Another scar, allowed to stay.

I don't know how I find myself looping around the darkness so easily.

Lighting up the night as if it's mine.

I'm scattered across the board...
But I will regain my composure.

At some point.

The thunder starts to sing…
Lightning strikes a move like a poised ballerina.

Rain falls like passion in the middle of hot romance.

Seaweed along shore doesn’t seem to mind the nectar from above.

One lonely ship at sea.
The rain kisses every inch of her.

Wind whispers sweet nothings into her sails.

The most invigorating feeling has come over her.
But alas, her sails begin to drop.

The feeling is long gone now.

She presses forward searching for it once more…

The moon shines brightly above her.
She moves forward.
Wanting to touch it…
Wanting to feel it’s beam of greatness upon her.

She swims further away from land.

Her sails still lifeless.

The shore becomes a line of electricity now.

Soon, it is no longer in sight.

We all have magic within us.
To me, it's clear to see...

That you are capable of achieving anything,
As long as you believe...

For believing in yourself, holds more power than meets the eye.
And with every thought, idea, hope, and dream...
They begin to fill your sky.

It starts with a wish.
You are the fisherman.
Go out and fish.

Those books won't write themselves, and those stories can't be told...
If there weren't some magic still floating around inside your soul.

I can't predict the future.
I can only live here and now.

And if a tree falls in the forest.
I'll believe it makes a sound.

Because I believe in magic and I believe in fairy tales.
I believe in story books about chasing big white whales.

And if I can keep sharpening this craft, deep down inside....
I'll be able to hang on longer and keep that magic alive.

My heart beats unevenly.
Shattered and put back together again...
Tape and band-aids.
Time has made me see the darkness within the day.
Where the shadows never sleep.
I find myself searching for the pain again.
Squeezing lemon upon my fresh wound...
Just to feel something...
Anything at all.
The thought of insanity fills my head.
Chaos in a closed room.
Hurt, broken, and unforgiving.
No longer able to sing a sweet song.
Unable to beat the same way his does.

She dances alone because that’s what she’s used to.
But she doesn’t care.

Her eyes hold dreams she’s never told anyone.

And when the sides of her mouth curl…
A smile she’s kept hidden for so long starts to shine.

She keeps her thoughts to herself.
Bottled up and tossed in the endless sea that she calls her mind.

Sometimes she opens one.
And from there she rediscovers inspiration.

She holds onto photographs and ticket stubs.
Anything that means something to her.

She complains when she forgets to drink her hot tea.
But will still drink it anyway.

When the sun sets, she wakens.
She enjoys the silence of the night.

She’ll trust you with secrets.
She’ll trust you completely.

Until you give her a reason not to.

What if I said the world is standing still...
But it's my mind that keeps spinning.

That time has stopped...
And you can inspect me more closely for what I really am.

I fall.
I fail.
But I also love.
And I love you.

Just looking into your eyes makes my heart race.
As if I am looking into them for the first time all over again.

Your charm still makes me blush.

I failed this evening...
I didn't make you smile.

So now you lie in bed sleeping...
As I pick apart my mind...

For the things I shouldn't have said.
For the things I should have done.

We dreamed of becoming more than what we were.
And we escaped in the smoke that filled the room.

Our souls trapped...
Jailed behind our ribcages.

So we sat there...
Changing out the records.
Mouthing all the lyrics.

Waiting for the perfect moment to speak words.
Those times never came...

Instead we became more silent.

Inhaling the smoke.
Exhaling it all the same.

And I sat there wondering what else was out there.

I felt so comfortable in your surroundings.
Too high to realize what was really going on.

I broke the cycle.
The routine of a roller coaster ride that wasn't fun.
Longing for something more.
Wondering if I deserved better.

Even when I thought you were the best...
I started to question that.

My love for you may never die...
But my addictions did.

My tears brought on the clouds.
And I had to follow the sun.

No more.
No more tears.
No more love to give to you.

It feels like so long ago...
Although it hasn't been.

It may seem like I'm heartless...

But deep down, I knew what we had wouldn't last.

As much as I tried to show you the light...
Your darkness consumed you...
And for a while...
It consumed me.

We sat there...
Getting high and playing music.
We were just too **** comfortable.

I don't want that.
Not anymore.

Such fearful walks I would take...
Just to talk with you...
Egg shells felt more like glass.

And you watched me bleed.

In my mind I thought I could fix you.
In my heart I wanted to show you love.

You took it all for granted.

And yet sometimes I wonder how you're doing.
As much as I want to hate you, I can't.

But you will never hear from me again.

Oh lost sparrow…
My house is only of glass.
This is no safe place to nest.

That train home left long ago.
But you still sit there patiently.

My pillows have soaked up the tears.
Stained.

Never forgotten.

Lost sparrow, you must find your way home.
My heart no longer exist.
There is just a hole to see through me with.

My anger has softened like a fire with nothing more to burn.

But lost sparrow, you still bring me to tears.
It feels likes they may never end.

Your broken wings I cannot fix.
Your broken heart I can no longer piece together.

I'm sorry.

I am torn between two worlds…
One of fantasy and one of reality.

The artist in me is inspired
The lover in me is alone

And yet in the midst of chaos
I feel so calm…

But I was born into anarchy.
I find peace
when I can feel everything.

Even if it means all at once.

Simple things mean the most.

Your words sew patches...
On the holes others have left behind.

And I smile at the thought of your eyes meeting mine.

With every sunset...
I wonder if I'm your last thought...
Before the pillow holds your head gently.

And if your dreams taste as sweet as the life you lead.

I promise...

To hold you as much as you need.
To kiss the wounds that cut you so deeply.

I'll try my best to get you to smile.
Or to laugh at my silly jokes.

And when the evening air fills our lungs...
I'll sigh...
Just thinking about how grateful I am to have you by my side.

A few strands fell onto the floor this morning...
Even more when I brushed my head.
The traumatic events of the past year...

Have left me with thinning hair.

I didn't see it coming...
Until the sink showed me today...

That everything on the back burner...
Has come out to play.

The darkness crept in and ate up the light.
Now everything seems strange.

Nothing here but a messy sight.
Of a girl who needs to change.

I feel as if I’m an imposter
Like I’m some sort of actor
but one undeserving
of an award

My role right now is routine and mundane
I am consistent in that at least.

However, every once in a while…
I’m drawn to the outside
the unknown.

I call on my demons
to play with me

Lead me with a dance
into a euphoria
that I cannot express with words further.

I am tangled in your aura
Like some web of seduction

Drawn to your poison,
I’ll risk it all
For the mystery
of you.

Within me is a flame that’s been ignited  
If I step too close I’ll get burned…
But this is an intricate fire
I’ve been wanting to play with…
A hunger I have yet to satisfy…

A danger I crave.

The stars seem to sparkle brighter than the eyes you once mirrored me with.
I look at everything in a different light where the shadows cannot follow.

The light always swallows up the dark.

But I still have a fear of the darkness within us.

What makes us this way?

Tea and coffee always gets cold with good conversation.
But in an awkward meeting, we sip just to avoid speaking.
Burning our mouths once and awhile.

My tea has stayed hot lately.

I find myself looking at an empty cup constantly with you.

When did this happen?

I’ve realized that I day dream too much.

Of this perfect scene of tea and coffee…
All by myself until I look up and see a smiling face.

With that sparkle in their eyes of something new.

Something worth cold tea and coffee

Rain drops kiss the flowers gently.
And we’ll make love with the light on.

Nothing out of the ordinary.

My mind may be scattered, broken, or insane…

But I don’t care.

Do you?

My sins are written in cursive
inside a book delicately placed

Under a blanket of soil and flowers
Where I leave you with no trace

Of all the things I’ve done
and the grief that comes with it

The pen has run out of ink
And my mind is sick of this.

We stand so tall among the grass...
And yet...
I feel so small.
Why is it that we follow our dreams...
But sometimes we are so far behind?

I want to be the closest to the door...
To open up that opportunity and breathe in that accomplishment.

Life has given me the words to express.
Love has given me the feeling of heartache.

I question whether the word love is overly used by us all...

But can you overly use a word that can be said so easily?
A word that... Can mean the world... But can also tear anyone apart.

I live in a life full of adventure.
Where the smiles never leave me...
And even though some people do...
I can still stand tall among the grass...
Breathing in that accomplishment of just being there...
And even though I may feel small and so far from some dreams' reach...

I can still stand and open the door of opportunity.

I thread lightly across these new discovered feelings...
Because my heart cannot take anymore battles.
I fear it would lose.

So I question myself every step of the way.
Trying my best to see over the horizon.
Just to see what is coming my way.

It's tough though.
It feels like all the other times.
But this walk feels slightly different.
The same old feelings.
But my mind and heart tell me to keep walking.

I'm trying to be cautious.
So badly.

But I'm also excited.
As well as terrified.

The thing that gets to me the most is...
My curiosity.

Miss you
Eat
Miss you
Sleep
Miss you

With tiny steps I conquer demons in secret.
As if only when lightning strikes do I feel most powerful.

And with every movement your tongue and lips make...
I find it hard to believe they are moving against mine.

Maybe I'm just living inside my head.
Where the lights never go out.
Always awake.
Always thinking.

So when lightning does strike...
I will feel your lips.
My power.
To defeat anything in my path.

Don't be afraid to do things alone.
Those coffee shops and book stores you love...
Are still there waiting for you with open arms.

And even though you may feel silly eating alone at your favorite places...
Remember that you're going to be okay.
Because as the days come and go, you grow stronger.
Your independence strengthens.

I know some nights get lonely...

But you'll be just fine.
Don't live in fear of this single title.

Do things for yourself.
Explore.
Find new things to try.

Do it for you.

I feel lost...
As if this love no longer feels real.
Like we are losing chemistry.

You no longer say hello when I walk through the door...
Even when I say it first to you.

I feel ignored.
I feel like the passion has left.

The dishes are still ***** even though you said you would do them...
The house is messier than I remember it being.

I'm torn.
Between loving you.
And leaving you.

Whoever you are. Wherever we meet. I'm hoping you can read these words and maybe even read them again over and over.

I'm ready to stroll into love. I know love isn't all perfect days and calm nights. I know we will argue and get mad at each other. But I'm ready for you to find me. I'm ready to share smiles and laughter. I'm ready to binge watch series with you and enjoy similar things together. Like museums and coffee shops. I want a bookcase we can put our favorite stories upon. While we are making our own along the way.

I'm ready for hand holding and passionate kisses once we close our front door. I'm ready to discover the world with you. Whoever you are... I'm impatient with this. I've become vulnerable and fragile. I can only hope you'll make me realize how crazy all this sounds. Or you'll just laugh and kiss me good night.

I can't wait to look into your eyes for the first time. When our smiles meet, it will forever be burned in my mind how perfect it is.

I lie in bed wondering where you are and if you're thinking someone out there may be crazy enough to put up with your shenanigans. I'm thinking the same thing too. I have baggage. I have a past. Guilt. Shame. Happiness. I love hard. I want to be the one you can't see a day without. Because I want you to be that person I can't live a day without.

I find comfort in a hot cup of coffee.
I feel daring in places unknown.

I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.
From these roads I've traveled alone.

I've walked barefoot on my own shattered dreams.
Where the wounds have cut me so deep...
My blood has painted the ground so red...
The memories keep me from falling asleep.

The nights are long and weary.
Time slowly tiptoes by...
My thoughts are dark and eerie...
By then, my demons start to reply.

Stored in the darkest corners of my mind...
Are the things my demons untangle.
Everything I have ever wished to leave behind...
My demons' grip begins to strangle.

My mind is racing.
I'm gasping for air.

I'm ready.
I will stare into fear.
Until the end.

Sorry will not fix the sadness I feel.

You disappear without a trace.
You leave me wondering where you are...

Confused as to how someone
who can say that they want me...

Can just leave...
So silently.

Only to return weeks or months later...
To say sorry.

You want to run wild.
Much like I already do.

You want to hold me close.
But you are pushing me away.

I don't understand what you want from me.
Now, I am questioning what do I even want from you?

The world's still asleep...
It makes me feel more awake.

Because in this moment of mixed feelings,
Of tiredness and wiredness and anything in between...

I can sit back and watch it all spin.
Until I fall asleep.

My memories of you keep fading...

I've forgotten how your voice sounds.
And the way you smell when you've just stepped out of the shower.

The things I can remember range from heartache to love.
There are no in between moments...

I still remember the music you would play.
Or how relieved you looked coming home from work to see me.

But...
The heart ache seems to overpower it all.
As much passion as we had to keep it together...
We are just not meant to be.

I wish we could still speak the way we used to.
Or see where things would end up even just from talking...

But my heart tells me to stay away.
Because you built more walls than bridges.
And I cannot forgive you for hurting who I was and who I could have been then.

Now I am starting over...
It hasn't been easy with you still wandering across my mind from time to time...

But with every new day, you fade.
Just another stranger on the street.

Goodnight seems to be the hardest thing to say.
Because I would stay awake for days just talking to you.

You're a mystery book I want to read every day.
A thriller I cannot put down.

If the stars would align in my favor...
They would lead you to me.

I feel a connection unlike any other.

So take my hand and let's start this adventure.
We're too young to feel this old.

Though our souls seem older than anyone else would ever imagine.

Be still now.
We'll lie here.

The waves cover us like blankets.
And sting our wounds in the process.

I don't recall ever feeling like this before.
Guess there is a first for everything.

I've been strung along like a fish.
My heart on a leash you tug so forcefully.

Yet, sometimes it feels like I've escaped.
But you find me.
Again and again.

I'll count the hours it has been in between thoughts of you.

Some days I find it harder to get out of bed knowing you're not in it with me.

There's this void I think you could fill.
There's this love I could give you.
There's this love I think you could give me in return.

So many what if's.
So many day dreams of what could be.

I struggle with the thought if you're even real at all.

I don't like who you've become.
It's as if there's been more secrets in the room that I wasn't aware of.

And you dance as if I should have known from the moment you've done things.
From the moment you've said things.

I'm still in shock from it all.
Take me down.
Take it all down.

Rip away the newest pages from the book we've been writing.

**** the first draft.

Can we start this all over?
Or are we stuck figuring this out?

No more excuses.
The lies have run their course.

I've been myself this entire time.
As much as you've hated to see it.
As much as you've tried to change it.

I would rather stand alone...
Than be under your thumb.

So lay your broken promises...
And those self assuring thoughts to bed.

Because I'm not coming back to the house I used to call home.
Your open arms are a trap.
Hiding a heart that can't break down walls...
But one that only builds them up more.

Lie beside me once more.
And I'll pretend that everything is fine.
Just this once.

It's as if we've started over...
But with the knowledge we've gained over the years...

We'll play our songs.
Flipping through the vinyl like it's our first time again.

Smoking and drinking.

The ***** habits we had and maybe still have.

I'm stuck with the memories...
Good and bad.

And sometimes I find myself wishing for those old routines.

But I must move on.
Just like I've done.
Just like you've been doing too.

I think you've disappeared for good now.
In my mind I keep thinking you will return to me.
And our late night conversations continue.

But so far that hasn't happened.
I wonder how long I'll keep caring anymore.

You had me in the palm of your hand.
I was willing to give you all that I am.

Down to the naked truth.
I'm sure we will never see each other now.
Even though that's all I've been wishing for.

I wish you would kiss me.
I wish you would put your arms around me.
But you won't.

Not now.
Probably not ever.

And I feel so empty from it.
Destroyed in a sense.
But I still have the strength to turn the other cheek I suppose.

I guess this is just what some people do.
If only I could move on and my heart wouldn't ache so much.