Time keeps slipping away.
And we watch it fall into the abyss.
Forever lost.
So we think.

The silence is here now.
Have we hit our target?
Not yet.

My insanity keeps me awake at night.
Insomnia seems so routine.

Where dreams become just fragments of memories…

The streets are still hot from the summer’s day.
And I can’t help but still feel so cold.

Let’s run until the sun can’t find us anymore.
Somewhere unexplored…

And if the wind should follow,
let it sing to us the songs of freedom.

Because nothing feels better than this.

Our shadows are no longer chasing us.
Friends are in the distance,
but still close enough behind.

Winter’s kiss cannot reach us.
The moon is our only light.

And with our eyes we will see more beauty than we saw before.

Because this time it’s different.
This time…
It’s real.

We dreamed of becoming more than what we were.
And we escaped in the smoke that filled the room.

Our souls trapped...
Jailed behind our ribcages.

So we sat there...
Changing out the records.
Mouthing all the lyrics.

Waiting for the perfect moment to speak words.
Those times never came...

Instead we became more silent.

Inhaling the smoke.
Exhaling it all the same.

And I sat there wondering what else was out there.

I felt so comfortable in your surroundings.
Too high to realize what was really going on.

I broke the cycle.
The routine of a roller coaster ride that wasn't fun.
Longing for something more.
Wondering if I deserved better.

Even when I thought you were the best...
I started to question that.

My love for you may never die...
But my addictions did.

My tears brought on the clouds.
And I had to follow the sun.

No more.
No more tears.
No more love to give to you.

It's too light out to be thinking this dark...

The full moon gleams in all it's glory tonight.

Even the clouds are awake.
The stars blanket around the ideas of who we are...
They whisper of our success.

I'm trapped in a maze I've created myself.
But the moon will guide me home.

Alone.
But here.

And there is no stopping me from shining.

It feels like so long ago...
Although it hasn't been.

It may seem like I'm heartless...

But deep down, I knew what we had wouldn't last.

As much as I tried to show you the light...
Your darkness consumed you...
And for a while...
It consumed me.

We sat there...
Getting high and playing music.
We were just too **** comfortable.

I don't want that.
Not anymore.

Such fearful walks I would take...
Just to talk with you...
Egg shells felt more like glass.

And you watched me bleed.

In my mind I thought I could fix you.
In my heart I wanted to show you love.

You took it all for granted.

And yet sometimes I wonder how you're doing.
As much as I want to hate you, I can't.

But you will never hear from me again.

The darkness has seemed to have faded.
My mind has more light.
So does my heart.

I feel as though nothing will be good enough now.
As if all inspiration and reality has been lost.

That my darkness was the only thing keeping me sane.
It's no longer here to help the words flow.

The depression has since disappeared.
And all my rawness with it.

A part of me is missing.
Even if it was my demon.

My demon has left me.
With nothing.

Not a **** thing.

And I can't help but feel somewhat relieved.
But still somewhat saddened by the loss of words.

The words that I can no longer put together to show my darkness...
My inner demon of despair.

Because it is no longer with me...
And I've nothing great to say.

Everyone around me says it is not abuse.
That the love we have is worth fighting for.

Even though I am told what to wear.
How to speak.

I am the bad person.
I am the one making up lies they say.
It's not abuse they say.
I'm just overreacting.

And maybe I am...
But I never feel happy anymore.
As if my soul has already left my body.

So many tears are shed every day.
Depression brings thoughts of suicide.

I think about it daily.

I went to bed alone last night.
He didn't care that I was upset.
He didn't care to talk to me.
He just wanted to watch television.

Maybe I am being overly sensitive.
Some say I have someone else in mind.

But I really don't.

Some say I'm just bored with my relationship.
I don't think I am.

I have dreams of driving away and never looking back.
I'm scared to leave.

Emotionally drained.
I am not me anymore.

I am someone who has been molded for someone else.

The stars seem to sparkle brighter than the eyes you once mirrored me with.
I look at everything in a different light where the shadows cannot follow.

The light always swallows up the dark.

But I still have a fear of the darkness within us.

What makes us this way?

Tea and coffee always gets cold with good conversation.
But in an awkward meeting, we sip just to avoid speaking.
Burning our mouths once and awhile.

My tea has stayed hot lately.

I find myself looking at an empty cup constantly with you.

When did this happen?

I’ve realized that I day dream too much.

Of this perfect scene of tea and coffee…
All by myself until I look up and see a smiling face.

With that sparkle in their eyes of something new.

Something worth cold tea and coffee

The thunder starts to sing…
Lightning strikes a move like a poised ballerina.

Rain falls like passion in the middle of hot romance.

Seaweed along shore doesn’t seem to mind the nectar from above.

One lonely ship at sea.
The rain kisses every inch of her.

Wind whispers sweet nothings into her sails.

The most invigorating feeling has come over her.
But alas, her sails begin to drop.

The feeling is long gone now.

She presses forward searching for it once more…

The moon shines brightly above her.
She moves forward.
Wanting to touch it…
Wanting to feel it’s beam of greatness upon her.

She swims further away from land.

Her sails still lifeless.

The shore becomes a line of electricity now.

Soon, it is no longer in sight.

Rain drops kiss the flowers gently.
And we’ll make love with the light on.

Nothing out of the ordinary.

My mind may be scattered, broken, or insane…

But I don’t care.

Do you?

Being ignored is painful.
Because I'm left full of questions I wish to have answered.

I question if I did anything wrong or if you're feeling something you're not telling me.

You're not telling me anything at all.
I find it so frustrating.

Because this seems more difficult than it needs to be.
And I've tried reaching out to you.
But instead you ignore me.

I don't know why.
And maybe the best thing for me is to move forward from all of this.
To go back to before we even started talking.
Because I cannot keep having this reoccurring pain of loneliness waiting for you to come around again.
You always disappear at some point.
I'm tired of trying to get you to speak to me.
I'm tired of trying to get you to see me.
I'm tired of trying to get you at all.

Show me the sunshine and I’ll show you the heat.

We can teach each other many things.
Like how to dance on the moon.
Or when to pick the perfect apple.

The night calls out more names than I’m used to.
But you show me how to listen carefully.

And you hold my hand through it all.

Your eyes are closed, but I’ll guide you.

We’ll set the sails and carry on.
Open mind, open sea.

Where time and space don't matter.
Only our lungs can move us there.

Light the match and watch it burn.
Show me what you know…

And I’ll lead you to it’s finally resting place.
A proper funeral for a necessity.

Nails and screws.
Built on nothing more than hope and faith.

I’ll save you from the nightmares at dawn.
So hold on.

Sand and sea.
Salt and air.

Though the air tastes of sweetness.

Your heart hides behind a wall much taller than me.
Fear makes your voice shake.
I can sense it.

You want to love something delicate, something fragile.
But too afraid that you will destory it in the end.

So your mind tosses and turns.
Back and forth with the idea that these feelings are real.
That maybe you could feel human again.

And with every good thought, there are two bad ones after.
That you're a monster in disguise.
Just for a little bit.

And maybe if you gave yourself the time of day...
You could see that your heart is actually beating.
Defrosting from the past.

I wish you would accept the love you give
and the love you could receive.
Because deep down I know you're wishing for something brilliant.
Something that hasn't happened, at least not yet.

Take her hand before it fades into a memory.
Make this moment worth it.
She's worth the try.
You're worth it, without a question.

The rain has stopped falling.
But I haven’t.

I’m lost in a dream world that could not possibly be real.

You tell me it is.
So I believe you.

And with the wind caressing my hair,
we stand and watch the world move.

The sea smells of salt.
The city air is thick.

And we have no time limit.

People are rushing around us.
Noise fills the sky.

Chaos doesn’t feel chaotic at all.
It feels natural.

Normal.

I toss and turn.
Much like the sea.

I can no longer inhale the air you're breathing.

It's as if we are no longer words apart...
But chapters instead.
Maybe even further away than that.

I'm confused as to who you think I am.
I'm even more confused as to who you really are...

Do I wait?
Or should I keep turning the pages without you?

Believe me when I tell you that magic is real.
That right before your eyes things will change.

And for a split second everything dark, every shadow, seems to wash away as your world fills with color.

But in order for magic to be real...
You have to be real too.

Oh lost sparrow…
My house is only of glass.
This is no safe place to nest.

That train home left long ago.
But you still sit there patiently.

My pillows have soaked up the tears.
Stained.

Never forgotten.

Lost sparrow, you must find your way home.
My heart no longer exist.
There is just a hole to see through me with.

My anger has softened like a fire with nothing more to burn.

But lost sparrow, you still bring me to tears.
It feels likes they may never end.

Your broken wings I cannot fix.
Your broken heart I can no longer piece together.

I'm sorry.

Most times you will find me silent.
Unwilling to put the thoughts into sentences.
But I promise you;
I will return.

Step by step,
Piece by piece,
We will examine each one on it's own.

We'll lighten the darkness a little,
And make it a more pleasant view.

Imagination I leave for you to decide what to do with.

The scene is changing...
And the romance is fading.

We are two people in the same room.
Who have nothing to talk about.

Silence is our new conversation.
Maybe we just aren't listening enough.

The rain has made the day seem dreary.
And my socks are soaking wet.
The dog is muddy now.
He needs a bath.

What happened to our spark?
The dates seem lonely.
Dinners seem cold.
The nights end early.

We lie there holding each other...
But to me it doesn't feel the same.

As if I am just there.
Not as your lover.
Not as your friend.

Just...
Someone to hold.

How simple it seems to be

With you.

The days fade out gently.
And I'm sipping on your energy tonight.
It glows brightly.
Like the stars.

The water is cold now...
But I still slither into it.

Life seems to be overwhelming.
With the littlest things I cannot seem to get over.

The scenery is changing...
My mirror tells me I am too.

I cannot move forward.
Blocking my path is...

Myself.

With that self realization I hope I can learn...
Hopefully.

I see myself in strangers' habits.
How similar they seem.

Beneath these layers I'll unfold,
Dreams and darkening things.

I'm an artist.
I'm a poet.
I'm crazy.
I know it.

But I'm curious at heart and at mind.

I'm wild and I'll shelter that.
Until I feel you can handle it.

Let's see what happens with time.

Do I know you?

That question shouldn't affect me and yet it does...
I don't need to answer it.

And yet I feel as though I am one of the faceless people.
The ones that you pass every day not knowing their names.

But they knew mine.
We had conversations.

And yet I'm the one standing here trying to make myself seem like something more than I was.

I was invisible.
To all of them.

I see that now.

The desert craves the rain.
Like I crave your attention.

It’s needed.

That quench of thirst that I cannot keep quiet.

Dry.

Aching for a taste of relief.

So give it to me.
I am in need of your eyes gazing into mine.

The feel of your hand on mine.

Just like how the coyote howls at the moon…
I’m waiting for a sign.

So give it to me.

I know you have it.

You’re what I need.

Like the desert needs rain.

I feel lost...
As if this love no longer feels real.
Like we are losing chemistry.

You no longer say hello when I walk through the door...
Even when I say it first to you.

I feel ignored.
I feel like the passion has left.

The dishes are still ***** even though you said you would do them...
The house is messier than I remember it being.

I'm torn.
Between loving you.
And leaving you.

A few strands fell onto the floor this morning...
Even more when I brushed my head.
The traumatic events of the past year...

Have left me with thinning hair.

I didn't see it coming...
Until the sink showed me today...

That everything on the back burner...
Has come out to play.

The darkness crept in and ate up the light.
Now everything seems strange.

Nothing here but a messy sight.
Of a girl who needs to change.

I cannot picture a day starting...
Without you still snuggling me in bed.

I cannot imagine an afternoon of grabbing coffee without you.

When I hear of loved ones that have passed,
I cry because losing you would be the end of me.

You are my soul mate, my partner, my best friend.
And I cannot see myself being without you.

You know me inside and out.
So well sometimes that I get mad.
Because I think no body knows me.
But you do.
Better than anyone else.

At times we fight and go to bed mad...
I still tell you I love you before we fall asleep.
Because I do even though we argue.
Nothing will ever change that.

Though our pasts still have sensitive subjects...
And our own depression has caused us pain...

Now we have each other.
And I am more me than I have ever been.
Because you encourage me to be myself.
That...
Being me is beautiful and smart.
Even when I don't think I am.

There are so many more words I could say.
About how much I love you.
A novel's worth or more.
Endless love.

But this is just one.

Don't be afraid to do things alone.
Those coffee shops and book stores you love...
Are still there waiting for you with open arms.

And even though you may feel silly eating alone at your favorite places...
Remember that you're going to be okay.
Because as the days come and go, you grow stronger.
Your independence strengthens.

I know some nights get lonely...

But you'll be just fine.
Don't live in fear of this single title.

Do things for yourself.
Explore.
Find new things to try.

Do it for you.

Silence has filled the room.
I question if I like it or not.

The cat is napping beside me.

Nothing has changed.
It's just another day...

But people are wishing me a happy birthday.
And I am grateful they took time out of their Christmas to do so.

23 sure isn't how I planned it to be.

Sushi for one.
Streaming A Christmas Story.

I'm so interested to see what happens.

I thought I could brace myself from the impact.
Just in case things went in a direction I didn't want them to.

But alas, 'let's just be friends' hurt harder than getting hit by a truck.

The funny thing is, I had a feeling about it.
One of those...
It seems too good to be true, so it probably is.
**** me.

I feel like an idiot.

And as my friends kiss my newly bleeding wounds...
They tell me this is an experience not a mistake.

Even though I feel like this is a repeat cycle of mistakes.
I always seem to think 'okay this one is different I am certain.'

Only to figure out that I was completely wrong.

I leap into things....
This I know.

But when I love...
I love hard.

And I guess I crash just as hard when it all falls down.

I continue to wonder if I have learned my lesson...
But I don't think I have.

Because I keep repeating things.

I like to think I can spot red flags instantly...
But this one...
This one tricked me pretty well.

My mind keeps racing with thoughts of you.
And I'm wondering if this will ever go anywhere.

Or if it will only be late night conversations about life.
Then you'll disappear again for an unknown amount of time.

I'll keep thinking about you.
Regardless.

I am just confused as to where we stand.
Because this all seems one sided right now.
I always make the first move.

I keep wondering if you will make the first move at some point...
Or if we will just continue the dance of this unlabeled thing we have.

You've gained something in this existence.
Don't let fear stop you now.

Keep pushing longer.
Keep working harder...

And everything will be how it should.

I'm lost.
Sometimes I don't want to be found.

Sometimes I want to scream.
Sometimes I don't want to make a sound.

Can I sleep for days?
I want to try for it.

My heart beats unevenly.
Shattered and put back together again...
Tape and band-aids.
Time has made me see the darkness within the day.
Where the shadows never sleep.
I find myself searching for the pain again.
Squeezing lemon upon my fresh wound...
Just to feel something...
Anything at all.
The thought of insanity fills my head.
Chaos in a closed room.
Hurt, broken, and unforgiving.
No longer able to sing a sweet song.
Unable to beat the same way his does.

If the sky were to fall down on us...
I would stand there waiting with open arms.

The rain can only wash away the dirt on our faces.

Sins.
Regrets.
Guilt.

All the things I wish my mind would stop speaking of.
Insomnia sets in.

The past visits me often.
But it is never a pleasant time.

I wish the rain would wash away our sins...
The regret we still feel from so long ago.
Like the conversations I wish I would have had...
The friends I should have kept.
Pictures I could have taken.
And the guilt of never taking action when I should have.


If only the rain could wash everything away.

My life is just a bunch of images running through my mind.
Bits and pieces get torn in the process.
But I can still tell you most things in detail.

Much like a photograph has a story behind it…
My life is just a story.
But in this story…
There are no pages to be turned…
Although, there are a few chapters.

Isn’t that what life is though?
A living, breathing story?

My mind creates thoughts fast enough for my hands to say.
Before my mouth can even form sound.

Where the words are spinning and I catch glances.
Soon, I piece together the puzzle within each day.
I will never stop though.

We are all here to tell our story.
Even if no one is willing to listen.

We still put it out there hoping it will catch someone’s eyes.
So we can inspire.

Remembering we got inspired by someone who did it before us.

Slowly the weight of the world
seems to fade

The more I fall in love with it.

My dark passenger is asking to drive.
But I refuse to let him.

I know where he wants to go.
I  know what is waiting for us.

But I won't let him tempt me.

The burn of the alcohol kissing my lips...
Now just a memory.

So tempting, so very tempting.

She sways like the wind that touches her…
Seduced by the sun and moon.

Kissing the sand.

Passion.

She never cries.
But she will hold you in her arms.

You might get lost in her…
She’s far more complex than anything you have ever seen.

Her touch leaves you to wonder…
What else could she be hiding.

So you search her…
For all her secrets and all her treasures.

The beautiful and the ugly.
The lost and found.

Forever she remains in the same place.
Welcoming you with open arms.

So go explore her.
But be careful…

She is precious.
She is fragile.

She may turn you upside down.
Or even leave you breathless.

You are warned.
But you are loved.

By her.

What if I said the world is standing still...
But it's my mind that keeps spinning.

That time has stopped...
And you can inspect me more closely for what I really am.

I fall.
I fail.
But I also love.
And I love you.

Just looking into your eyes makes my heart race.
As if I am looking into them for the first time all over again.

Your charm still makes me blush.

I failed this evening...
I didn't make you smile.

So now you lie in bed sleeping...
As I pick apart my mind...

For the things I shouldn't have said.
For the things I should have done.

And so the story goes about a little girl falling for a boy with a bad side.
That everything would happen for a reason.

But she didn't want to listen to it all.
She wanted to feel that sense of freedom.
That sense of feeling like SHE was in the spotlight on the dance floor.
With all eyes on her.

Just for that one moment...

She felt like she could love someone else more than she could love him.
That this love wasn't anything compared to what would happen next.
At any given time.
Any given place.
That she would meet someone.
And the magic would never die.
Even though this love taught her many lessons...
She felt as though she would find a love where she felt more appreciated.
Where you finally understand it.
That you feel fulfillment in life.
That you could live forever.
With no fear and only happiness.

Those snowy nights.
Where we'd run barefoot to the hot tub.

And we would watch the snow fall.
Taking in every minute of it.

We didn't live the normal life by any means.
But there were normal times.

So if you see me looking back, don't hesitate to speak.
Because you were apart of it just as much as me.

I feel lost in a world I know little about.
And I carry everything with me.
Because it is all I have.

Even if it gets heavy...
I don't want you to lift a finger of it.

Deep down I crave for someone to lighten the load.
But I refuse.

If you were to walk with me though...
I would feel so much better.

Your voice strengthens me to keep going.

The stars have aligned.
Galaxies begin to explode once we kiss.

Chemistry is being made.
And no one else has discovered it.

So we’ll float through the stars…
Weightless.

Breathless.

And when we touch…
Everything speeds up.

The planets move with our bodies.
The stars keep pace with our hearts.

So tell me everything there is to know.
And I’ll listen to every word.

My mind itself is black and white.
I cannot rid the dark.
I cannot shade the light.

Deep down inside you'll see.
The missing pieces.
I'm still trying to become free...

Of myself.

You hurt me.
With your words...
Your actions.
Your hands.

Why?

What did I ever do to you?
I loved you.

And now here you are...
Wanting me back...
Because I finally got the courage to leave.

How dare you.
How dare you say you've changed when you haven't.

I can never forgive you for what you have done to me.

The bruises.
The anxiety.

You took away my freedom.
You took away my fire.
My passion.
My happiness.

I feel sick.

The things you did to me...
Even when I said no.
'No' never meant anything to you.
You did what you wanted to do anyways.

And now you sit there...
Dumbfounded.
Questioning why I left...

Maybe you're too high to realize...
Maybe you're blaming me for not communicating.

But it was you.
And I have finally had enough.

With every tear shed...
I leave behind the remains of a shattered heart.

And though it may still feel like a freshly cut wound...
I gather myself the best I can.
Every moment spent feels wasted.

All for nothing.

You've left a sour taste in my mouth.
And I've yet to remember what sweetness is.

Maybe I'm not who I used to be.

And maybe you're not either.

You are gone...
But not far away.

Beneath this roof with the cat and dog, we stay...
Waiting for you to return...
home for the day.

I'll cook you dinner and make dessert.
I will show you how much I miss you in many ways.

First dinner, then dessert, then from there we will lay...
On the couch holding hands forever in a trance of what this love means to us.

With you it's effortless when it seems like it should be.
And the times we spend in misunderstandings end before the day does.
We don't go to bed angry.

How wonderful it is you see...
The fact that I...
Feel like the luckiest person in the world to wake up next to you.

Each morning and each night we intertwine like we are the high school sweetheart couple (even though we met much later than that).

With you it feels like the first time.
Because the moment I met you, my world instantly changed...

It continues to be the best chapter of my life that I neglected to write down until now. So this is where I want to begin, by writing it down so far...

The night I met you it was an unexpected spark. I had seen you a couple of nights before at the same bar. The only bar I think that is cool in this town. It was a Thursday when I first saw you. I was on the dance floor with some co-workers. You walked across the bar with your drink... In your Hawaiian shirt. But honestly the very first thing I noticed was your hair. It's so bleach blonde...I instantly knew you were a surfer. I thought you were interesting. But I didn't go up to you that night.

Saturday evening that same week I decided to have a beer and see what was going on outside on the patio. It was a safari of people, so I sat down to observe everyone around me. I didn't expect someone to sit down next to me... I really didn't expect some drunk lady to start complimenting me all of a sudden. A drug rehabilitation nurse who would not stop talking about nursing a bunch of alcoholics ironically... But you saved the day. I saw you walk towards me and I grabbed your arm. I said talked about how I had seen you a couple of nights earlier. You seemed stoked because you were smiling really big. Your eyes were so amazing upon closer inspection. They still are, I love waking up next to you.

We talked about things we have in common. Enough to where you bought me another beer and we went up and sat in the little nook. It was a peaceful little spot, we both enjoyed watching the people walk up and down the stairs of the house. The bar seems to be more like a house party all the time rather than an average bar anyways.

We were talking and all of a sudden some girls said that we were a cute couple. We both were shocked and didn't know what to say so we said thanks. A while later two other girls came up to us and started saying we should kiss... I wanted to, so I got up and kissed you. You blushed, it was great. And then you kissed me back.

Last call came, and the bar closed. So you asked me if I wanted to smoke in your car and hang out for a little bit longer. We did. I remember I thought it was so polite of you when you walked me back to my car. We kissed and it was magical. Before we parted ways I handed you flowers I had in my car (left over centerpieces from a pretty wedding) and told you not enough guys get flowers. I drove away thinking I was such an idiot and what was I thinking giving a guy flowers? You've since told me you thought it was sweet and your friends agreed that a girl really likes you if she gives you something. I was hoping to see you again after that night, because you gave me butterflies. Even though you still give me them to me.

I feel like I've known you all of my life. I love you.

The world's still asleep...
It makes me feel more awake.

Because in this moment of mixed feelings,
Of tiredness and wiredness and anything in between...

I can sit back and watch it all spin.
Until I fall asleep.