You dangle yourself in front of me
With a smile that’s almost devilish
I sin at the thought of you.

Why does this ignite a flame within me?

As we danced among the fireflies...
The moon smiled.

The sea began to kiss the shore.
Just as you kissed me.

My hummingbird of a heart began to flutter.

I don't want to leave this place.
I don't want these feelings to fade.

So let's keep dancing.
So let's keep kissing.

Until the lights go out.

We lie here talking about our fears...
Regrets.
Heartache.
Trauma.

Making our hearts race.
And our bodies seem to heat up.

And when the tears finally dry...
We will understand each other.

Keep going.

- The Universe

I've forgotten where I stand...
As if the path has been walked without me.

Because I'm too concerned about myself.
Too concerned that I'm not pretty or proper enough.

Watching every move I make carefully.
Tasting the words that tend to slip out of my mouth.

Falling for the wrong things and people.

In time and space you'll find me...
Cornered in a dim room.
Still reading the same books.

Cuddling the same cat.

It will be as if nothing has changed...
But everything has.

Just wait and see.

Why is it when something bad happens do I always want to write about it?
Writing about happiness makes me feel sappy.
But once there is a problem...
I put pen to paper.
I see.
I think.
I feel...

I feel that imagination.
That sense of power.
That freedom.


And in those times of silence...
When neither one of us has anything to say...
My mind wanders further and further away.

Deep inside my soul.
Searching for that feeling again.

How do you look someone in the eye for the last time?
It's so hard to think that we will be saying goodbye.
We've ended a chapter we'll reread years to come.
But only in our heads.

As I try to erase whatever polaroids seem to consume my mind...
I am reminded that at one time there was something.
I will never know what that something could have turned into.
But we both agreed to turn our backs on each other.
We knew it wasn't meant to be.

We'll live on in social media likes.
Hidden hash tags with hidden meanings.

Why do you do this to me?

I've stepped back for a moment...
To let it all sink in.
Walls still falling, but at a slower pace.

I do not wish to rebuild them.

I am searching for myself through the fog.
As hard as that may seem.

Lost are the parts of me I wish to find again.
The magic has faded.

I will strengthen it again.
I will begin again.

Your silence concerns me.
We might be fading out before this even starts.

I feel as though it's a day dream gone too far.
Because in my eyes you seem like you should be mine.

But I don't know what tomorrow holds.
I'm just hoping I get to hold you soon.

Our fear has a tight grip on you and I.
While risk tries to pull us forward from it all.

But we are torn.
Between old and new feelings.

Too scared to make the first move.
Too scared to not make a move at all.

Empty.
The room.
The bed.
Everything.

A soul searching for something more.
And leaving me behind.

But we will meet again.

That, I know.

Maybe I'm daydreaming too much...

That one day you...
Whoever you are...
Will find me sipping coffee outside a shop.
Rereading my favorite book...

And our universes will collide.

I'll look up and be so taken with you.
Right then and there.

I’ve been fighting monsters
Darker than the sea

I’ve been moving mountains
I’ve been moving trees

Our love has ended abruptly
Shorter than we agreed
And now I must move on

Only looking out for me

If I could go back and start over, I would begin with you and I.

We were kids dying from addictions.
And we didn't know how to handle it.

Depression was killing me.
****** was slowly killing you.

I didn't know at first...
How deeply you've been scarred.

But as our teenage love unfolded,
each page held dark secrets that we couldn't even tell each other at first.

Eventually we did. I began to understand the pain you felt every day. The torturous pain. I ache for you to this day. Wishing I would have been there for you more.

You became more distant.
And my parents weren't fond of you either.

Heartbroken.

As we tried to sneak around like some tale from far ago, it became tiring...
It became a decision.
That tossed back and forth longer than I thought it would go.

I know you loved me I could see it in your eyes and the way you would smile at me, I loved you too.

You're gone now.
And as I wish that I would have kept all the things you've given me...

I wish more than anything that I could thank you.

Because without you, I wouldn't know what love is.

I'll sip this whiskey like you sipped glances at me.
I'm buzzed thinking of your smile.

It was like we took small steps before we leaped.
And here we are wanting to risk it all...
But still trying to shield ourselves just in case we are wrong.

I can't tell you what the future holds.
But if you're by my side, I think we might be able to rule the world.

It's hard for me to read you.
Everything is still so new.
But I am trying my best to understand.

I want to be the mature adult with the heart of a child.
Who is afraid to grow up but also afraid not to.

I'm torn between the past and present.

Going to bed, replaying the day's events.

Questioning if I have learned from pasts mistakes...
Or if I have repeated them.

For me, the first rough draft is always the hardest.
I'm filled with questions, worries, and excitement.

Because I feel like we have the potential to be something amazing.
I just often wonder if you feel the same.

But I have to remember this is just our first draft.
And that I live in my mind more than my entire body.
I always try to be two steps ahead...

So I can look back and see the outcome.
If it's bad, my heart has been saved by me being cautious.
If it's good, I breathe a sigh of relief.

I don't know why I am like this.

It was fast at the start
And as we slowed down...
The roots began to dig into the dirt.
Something grew over time

And here we were,
new to this
with a familiar feeling we carried
all along

Fevers break...
And I'm trapped in bones fragile like porcelain.

If only I could find some sort of balance
between fire and ice.

There is no gray smudge amid the black and white.
There's only dark and there's only light.

I'm cold on a hot summer's day.
I'm wondering if you'll stay...

Always.

My heart has scars thicker than the fog in the morning.
Everything has begun to roll off like it's nothing.
Because I've felt more painful heartache than this before.

You can try to string me along for ages.
I will follow halfheartedly.

I am not really phased by your state of mind.
I'm not afraid of the abyss we seem to find ourselves in.

A black hole of emptiness and fulfillment at the same time.

It's strange isn't it?
To risk anything at all.
Hoping for something more...
Or for the strength to move on from something that could have been.

I wish I could be normal.
I feel so ****** up sometimes.

I can't even be there for you...
In a social setting because people overwhelm me.

You say it's fine and not to be sorry.
You say I should do what makes me feel comfortable.

I feel stuck in between.

Miss you
Eat
Miss you
Sleep
Miss you

Nothing has changed here...
As much as I have replayed the movie, records, reread the chapters...
The outcome will always be the same.

But there is a thread of hope things will have a different ending.

It never is new.
I question why I continue to play these mind games with myself...

Sometimes I feel trapped in my own body.
As if my soul is caged behind my ribs...

My mind never shuts off.
A constant movie replaying and replaying.

Those terrible times.
My adolescent years...
My constant mistakes.

I am filled with regret.
I am paralyzed by my past.
Unable to move forward with life.

Feeling the memories in the back of my mind still...
I've tried so hard to make them go away.
But they don't perish into the flames of yesterday.
They are still here.
And they still haunt me.

Here I am.
A little light shielded with shadows.

I haven't seen the world,
or done much.

But I'm here.
I want you to know I exist.

I'm not out to define myself...
I'm just out to find myself...

We all have magic within us.
To me, it's clear to see...

That you are capable of achieving anything,
As long as you believe...

For believing in yourself, holds more power than meets the eye.
And with every thought, idea, hope, and dream...
They begin to fill your sky.

It starts with a wish.
You are the fisherman.
Go out and fish.

Those books won't write themselves, and those stories can't be told...
If there weren't some magic still floating around inside your soul.

I can't predict the future.
I can only live here and now.

And if a tree falls in the forest.
I'll believe it makes a sound.

Because I believe in magic and I believe in fairy tales.
I believe in story books about chasing big white whales.

And if I can keep sharpening this craft, deep down inside....
I'll be able to hang on longer and keep that magic alive.

Your eyes speak love I've never felt.
And I'm dying to see what it feels like.

When you speak, I envy the words that get to touch your lips.
Because I want to be touching them with mine.

The snow will be falling.
Just as much as I am falling for you.

And we'll kiss just like we have always wanted to.

The feelings are so familiar yet still so new to us.

We're risking it all.
We're vulnerable.
We're terrified.

Yet I can't wait to see what happens next.

Why am I so self destructive?
I can create such beautiful things...
But then I destroy them.

I live with the pettiest of fears.
Ones I can ******* get over.

So why can't I get over them?

******* my destructive self.

We stand so tall among the grass...
And yet...
I feel so small.
Why is it that we follow our dreams...
But sometimes we are so far behind?

I want to be the closest to the door...
To open up that opportunity and breathe in that accomplishment.

Life has given me the words to express.
Love has given me the feeling of heartache.

I question whether the word love is overly used by us all...

But can you overly use a word that can be said so easily?
A word that... Can mean the world... But can also tear anyone apart.

I live in a life full of adventure.
Where the smiles never leave me...
And even though some people do...
I can still stand tall among the grass...
Breathing in that accomplishment of just being there...
And even though I may feel small and so far from some dreams' reach...

I can still stand and open the door of opportunity.

So maybe this chapter needed to be read again.
Because somewhere between the first few dates and fights...
I got lost.

I'm wondering if opening it up repeatedly has accomplished anything at all.

It's as if we are two very different people who just ache for each other's heart.
But nothing else.

I question what could have been.
If I had stayed writing new chapters with you...

But I have to remind myself...
The tears were real.
That as much as I wanted to stay, I wanted to leave just a little bit more.

And maybe you'll wish upon your birthday candles that I'll come home.

Chances are though, it won't come true.

Because as much as I want you to be happy...
I just cannot be a part of it any longer.

I lie here with fear tucked away behind the darkest curtains.

Silence soothes my heart.
The chill puts me at ease.

And with the tears I shed, there is no relief...
Just a sudden sense of reality.

I am aware of the lonely nights ahead of me.
The nights where my bed feels too big.
And my nightmares toy with my mind.

When you're not here, I'm scared.
Frightened of myself.
Of my thoughts...

Behind every closed door lies a secret.
And mine you pretty much know.
But they are still starving...
Eating away at me.

Keep going...
Don't look back.

Refresh.
Restart.

Over and over.
Until it feels right.
Until it feels like you can breathe again.



I can finally breathe again.

No longer feeling trapped.
My soul begins to sing.

No longer praying for oxygen while I'm being pulled under.
Drowning.

I've broken free of my anchor.
I am floating.
I'm a fighter.

I can swim again...
To the surface

Sinking was never an option.

Let go...
Let it all go.

The regrets.
The embarrassment.
The shame.

Let.
It.
All.
Go.

I wonder what will happen next...
Or if this will just become another day dream of 'what could have been.'

I'm insecure.
I'm flawed.

Mentally preparing myself for horrible outcomes...
Emotionally trying to remain stable in the midst of chaos.

Chaos that hasn't even begun.
Chaos that may not even begin.

But I am just preparing for the worst.
I feel like it won't hurt as bad if I do.

I hope that this is something good.
I hope that this introduces us to the next chapter of our lives.

Simple things mean the most.

Your words sew patches...
On the holes others have left behind.

And I smile at the thought of your eyes meeting mine.

With every sunset...
I wonder if I'm your last thought...
Before the pillow holds your head gently.

And if your dreams taste as sweet as the life you lead.

I promise...

To hold you as much as you need.
To kiss the wounds that cut you so deeply.

I'll try my best to get you to smile.
Or to laugh at my silly jokes.

And when the evening air fills our lungs...
I'll sigh...
Just thinking about how grateful I am to have you by my side.

I am tangled in your aura
Like some web of seduction

Drawn to your poison,
I’ll risk it all
For the mystery
of you.

Within me is a flame that’s been ignited  
If I step too close I’ll get burned…
But this is an intricate fire
I’ve been wanting to play with…
A hunger I have yet to satisfy…

A danger I crave.

I hope you're sitting in the same chair you always did.
Strumming your guitar to a new tune.

I haven't forgotten everything.
Even though I've wanted to.

You're still holding onto me.
My heart is still on a leash.

And with every tug,
I refuse to fall back.
Instead I pull even harder to break free.

I am so close.

Take me back to the swing set.
Where we first had dreams of who we'd be.

I was delusional and out of sink
to think that someone like you,

liked me.

But I ran with it.
All through the flower fields of adolescence.

Retracing steps to the place I called home.
Where I thought nothing could harm me.
Like you did.

Do you ever think how things could have gone differently?
That in the back of your mind...
Life would have made more sense?

I lie to my own reflection...
Believing that everything I do is right.
So I don't see myself cry.

I hide behind my own shadow.
More fearful of myself than of it.

I am confusing.
I can hurt and be hurt...
Sometimes all at once.

Our eyes tell stories our tongues can't bare to speak.
So I'll strip them down to the naked truth...

It seems to be as deep as the sea.
I'm struggling to pull on the anchor
that's making my heart sink.

The questions kept coming...
Like my mind was a glass filling with water.

I could drown or swim...

To sink or to sail?

I have chosen to hold my breath...
To force myself to the surface.

To force myself back into existence.

I am the only one who can save me.

For as long as I can remember...
I have found such comfort in being alone.
But I've been fighting loneliness all of my life.

I don't know which side will win.
Or if this is even a game where there's winning and losing.

Sometimes I will feel so small and defenseless in this world...
And other times I feel like I could conquer it completely.

I'll hide from the outside world for days...
Sometimes even weeks.

But when I find the strength to show my face...
I find the most beautiful and inspiring things.

Yet I return back to my comfort zone...
Inside four walls that know all my secrets...
To a place I feel as though I can feel myself completely.

I want to be on your mind...
Like the errands you are supposed to run.
And like the lyrics you write.

Our spirits are floating onward
Detaching at the seams

Our journeys have brought us closer
But now it’s time to leave

We bare scars from others love
Mine and yours is differently seen

Although we are going alone,

You’ll always be part of me.

We're falling apart.
Slowly, but surely.

I'm sure we will both reminisce of better days...

But you've fallen in love with someone new.
And I've had it with your fickle ****.

So we seem to just be strangers now.

And on that rare occurrence that we talk...
Everything is comfortable.
Natural.

But I dislike your distance.
I've told you many times.
And you always say sorry...
As if that means anything to me anymore.

So we'll go through life secretly loving each other.
Never being able to tell each other how we really feel.

I'm okay with that.

Beneath it all...
I still cower from the eyes of strangers.

Inside I am shaking.
Because when their eyes meet mine...
I have no place to hide.

There are no words to be spoken...

But sometimes I wish their lips would move.

At once I push myself further.
The days become weeks of chiseling away unwanted pieces.
Creating scars that crack deep within.
But worth it.
Even if pain stays.
I will keep working.

In my dreams it's all real once again.
I can't shake the thought that you feel free leaving me...

Life continues...
And for the most part I would say I am fine without you.

But occasionally, you appear in my dreams...
Reminding me what I've had...
What I've lost...

A power you still have over me.
Waking with an old familiar feeling once again.

I know that this is how it's meant to be.
But there's always that split second of willingness to go with you...
If you asked...

It screams risk.
It screams adventure.

But I know I'd be rereading an old chapter...
Nothing's really changed even though I wish it would.

So here we are....
And as many mistakes as I have made...

I am wishing I would have never told you half of them.

Because giving me the cold shoulder is torture.
And you've been on my mind ever since we spent the night together.

It was so perfect.
So real.

And even through the smoke...
I could see who you really are.

I've been tossing and turning ever since.

This will never be what you wanted.
Because you changed it all.

I was comfortable.
Silence seemed fitting.
Your image was fading into the background.
Our memories darkening.

You always come back when you want to.
You're a bird with no home.

With tiny steps I conquer demons in secret.
As if only when lightning strikes do I feel most powerful.

And with every movement your tongue and lips make...
I find it hard to believe they are moving against mine.

Maybe I'm just living inside my head.
Where the lights never go out.
Always awake.
Always thinking.

So when lightning does strike...
I will feel your lips.
My power.
To defeat anything in my path.

Her eyes spoke stories her lips never told.
And as I gazed upon her porcelain skin....

I noticed the cracks.

I was so fixated by them.
Every thin line was beautiful.

She said she was broken,
but I didn't believe her at all.

To me she was a warrior.
A survivor.

I saw something beautiful.
Your eyes would not look.

I heard something inspiring.
You wouldn't listen.

I wanted to share with you...
What I saw.
What I heard.
What I felt.

But as much as I tried to get your attention.
To get your eyes to see the beauty in what I was giving you...

You looked away.
You can still hear.
But you don't want to listen.

You can still feel.
But you don't want to touch.

The bed is empty.
I only set the table for one.

There are days I'll let my coffee get cold.
Because I'm day dreaming too much.

Loneliness has me in a slumber.
And I can't seem to wake myself up.

So I sit here all alone.
When the nights seem to come alive.
And the shadows begin to fade.

With every ounce of my being I lie here...
And pretend that it doesn't even matter that you're not by my side.

This bed is so empty.
But it's something I have been getting used to.

Waking up alone is never fun,
but neither is an unwanted heart.

So I hope you find happiness in the records we used to play.
I hope you feel bittersweet when I cross your mind.

Because miles between us don't matter anymore.
And this broken heart is starting to heal.

But how is yours doing?