The only times I'm not alone are when my heart and mind are both dwelling on the things of the Lord
I've spent the large majority of my life shutting off my mind so my heart won't feel
To avoid fear and being overwhelmed by it emotionally
The hardest part is forcing myself to think through all of it
To turn on my mind so the emotion can wash over me
(All my flesh wants is to sleep and drink alcohol, to not think and to not feel)
The things that would help solve my problems are the stark opposite of my fleshly desires and habits
So...to address where my heart is..
The things I want, I want for the wrong reasons
My heart is too easily swayed by being denied those things
In the end, I don't know what it is that I truly want or really even need
I feel empty
I guess that's kinda the point though
Being brought to the end of myself so the Lord can fill me

I was very grateful for your friendship while I had it.
You took care of me, and I took care of you.
You left me hanging though.
I get it, you're busy.
But we all make time for what we believe is important.
So it's obvious where I am on your list of priorities.

I've realized that I think too much of certain people.
I raise them up higher than where they desire to be.
And thus I end up let down since they aren't interested in having that place in my life.

You were one of these such people.
I used to call it a heart connection, now I know it's foolishness.

I know you didn't mean to teach me that, but I'm grateful nonetheless.
I'm growing.
You were a part of that for a while, but now we're distant.
Thank you for that letter you wrote me, it's still encouraging to me.
Thank you for the words of affirmation you freely gave.

I miss you kid, I really hope school is going well for you and that you're growing in Christ.

-Ranita

Dude, you gotta break up with her.
She's taken over your life and you're a free spirit.
You've gone through this before and I watched as it happened,
You let these crazy girls stifle you instead of just living.
I've seen you be so much more and I hope the best for you.
We haven't even talked for almost a year now because of her.

Remember those times that we played games together?
We sipped on some wine and hugged when we were done with a round of Mario party.
You seemed free, happy, just alive.

Remember when you took me to that gated community?
We laid on the dock, talked for hours.
I was mainly a big baby and you encouraged me.
You told me stories from your life.
But again, you were free, happy, and alive.

Remember how we talked about TDCC?
We went back to work and they came on over the store radio.
I laughed to myself about it,
Then you came running over from the meat department and we laughed about it together.
You were free, happy, ALIVE.

Yeah, you've worked some ****** jobs, you've dated ****** girls,
But you are so much more.
I know not a lot of people see, but I knew from the first time we took one of our 10 minute breaks at the same time.

It's written all over your body in the form of tattoos,
It's written all over the way you treat people,
It's written all over your house,
It's written in how you play guitar,
In how you smoke cigarettes.

I want you to know,
That one time,
You bought me flowers on a day I was depressed,
You made my week.

-Ranita

You somehow had the strange ability to make me feel everything
While simultaneously making me feel like I was nothing

I'll say this, you sparked in me a love for music
Specifically Sufjan Stevens
No Shade in the Shadow of the Cross kills me
"**** me I'm falling apart"

"Here's a coin, call someone who cares"
If you ever called, I would have cared
I wouldn't have ever stooped that low

I don't miss you and some days I hate you
I hope your life is everything you wished
I know you've been searching for something more, same as me

-Ranita

How does one escape the hell called love?
The sweet soft gentle movement of hands
The burning beating fast nervousness
The silent whispers of obvious affection
The realizations slammed in your face
The searing white hot streaming tears
The late night screaming heart pains
The endless questions of hopeless loss

we said
we were both better off
but that didn't wash the
metallic taste of blood
from biting my tongue
and begging you to stay.

they say
a watched *** never boils
and that is why I turned my back on the door,
still hoping you would come through it
and say I'm home.


you said
we were forever
but you're the boy
who never could fully love
and I'm the girl
who loved too much
and together we were
chaos and destruction,
a shattered glass in a child's hands.

My thoughts have nostalgia and fear of the future fused together
And I've found that the only way to get over both
Is to grow deep into God's word, falling in love with him
So I can grow up and be who he wants me to be
Free
In his beauty