I could
seriously love you.

It's amazing how
not leaving your bed
for 2 days can take a
toll on you.

I've cried more
times than I can
count.

I've imagined
killing myself.

I've remembered
memories.
Ones that I never
want to forget.
And those that I
torcher myself over.

I've made myself
physically sick,
and I haven't eaten.

I blame you.
I blame us.
I blame you for
what I've become.

I wouldn't have been
caught that night if it weren't for
you.

I was with a boy that
distraced myself from
you.

A boy that I dreamed of
hanging out with.

You.
You ruined it.
You ruined me.
You used me.
You took advantage of me.

You said that I shouldn't
distance myself because
it scares you that I might not
come back.

Be ******* afraid.
I'm not attached at your
hip anymore.
I'm free from your grip.

You gave my friend
a death glare because you
hate him.
You hate him because I'm
friends with him,
and I refuse to talk to you.

You're mad because I
smoked my lungs
out with Dylan.
You didn't even ask if
I was okay after I had
been caught.

Fuckyoufuckyoufuckyou.

I hope you torcher yourself
to the very core
that you lost me.
I hope that it haunts you
that I might not come
back.
I hope that you're
terrified of me hurting
myself.

You live your life,
and I'll live mine.

i can never love someone
as much as i do you,
and i am *******
*terrified

I remember how you smiled into the air
on that cold Friday night.
And I remember how your smile turned into
a dead grin.

I hope to forget the day I found you.

Everyone loses someone,
but I should have never lost you.

You, my love,
you were the light of my day,
the dark of my night.

Your cold, dead skin,
rotting away.
You should be rotting in my arms.

Oh,
how I remember you holding my hand.
And how you would kiss my lips and I would
float into a daze.

You're gone.
And this is my story.

one day i will be able
to listen to
our
song without hearing
you
in every word.

When I was little
Halloween was one of my favorite holidays.
Candy and costumes galore.

As I grow older the spirit fades,
Trick-or-Treating is no more.
I don't take on a new identity for the night,
but instead contemplating on drinking
and scaring children.

No costume,
no candy,
just a bottle full of *****,
and I'm being something I never wanted to be.

Growing up isn't all that it's cracked up to be.

63072000 seconds ago
I was worried about what blade I would use next.

1,051,200 minutes ago
I didn't know how much longer I could take living this life.

17531.6 hours ago
you and I got together.

730 days ago
we were friends.

24 months ago
I woke up to you by my side,

Two years ago
everything was so bad, but oh so good.

I don't see how you can call be beautiful when I have
self-inflicted wounds dancing on my tarnished body.

How can you think a monster like me is worth it?

I just can't comprehend you wanting to be around me.
I'm just a ******-up kid trying to make it through.

My friends are problematic.
I'm failing math.
I have two left feet,
and I'm awkward as hell.

My family fights a lot.
My father is gone.
My mom is a lunatic,
and I'm depressed.

I have scars.
I have a story to tell.
I'm not myself anymore,
and maybe someone better.

I'm always exausted.
I'm in love with a boy named Guy.
I hate myself,
and I'm tired of it.

We're all ****** on life,
getting high as the day goes by.

He's on the ground bleeding to death.
She's leaning over the toilet, making herself sick.
That ten year old is crying themselves to sleep.
The "gay" boy just shot himself in the head.
The teens are taking shots, killing the pain with a drag of a joint.

We never stop to see each other's pain and agony.
We never stop to see the anguish everyone's in.

While people have scars and cuts along their body,
tears down their face,
they haven't eaten in three days,
they're taking pills,
the assumption is we're all happy.

Think again.

I cannot stop thinking about
your body next to mine,
molding the thought of you into
my side.
Your breaths insync with mine; your heart beating with mine.
My thoughts retracing the nights
when your body was mine.

The thoughts are clawing at the insides of my thighs,
waiting on that sweet release.
My wrist tries to whisper sweet nothings,
again, waiting for a release.
My head,
it's tangled with images that want to be real.
My nose yearns for that metal smell.
That smell that lingers from the sweat of my fingers
to the silver blade.
My ears wanting to hear the shredding of skin.
And the red,
the red blood that flows in my veins,
from underneath my meaningless skin.
I think,
maybe the ****** cuts that could dance upon my skin,
make the metallic smell linger in the air,
having my guts spilling out,
would be worth it.
But I think again,
and it's not.

stop crying.
dont eat.
forget about it.
stop ******* crying.
you dont need food.
hes never going to like you.
stop crying.
she hates you.
stop crying
stop thinking about food.
dont bathe.
stop crying.
dont get up.
no school work.
he's better than you.
stop crying.
she takes pity on you.

stop.
crying.

12 am and we weren't asleep,
He and I drunk as can be.
We stepped out for a smoke
and our lungs got heavy.
The world was at peace,
I was happy.

I kissed all of my friends.
Some of them more than once.
Another I had not spoken with in months.
I even kissed the one that use to be mine.

He left and a few of us remained,
me being the only drunk.
I got sad,
things were uneasy.
I almost cried;
I wanted to say goodbye.

I crawled in her bed,
and she put her arm around me.
She said I smelled of stale cigarettes and a few ounces of alcohol,
and I told her I would go.
She hugged me closer
and I dozed off to sleep,
seeing another in my dreams.

What's worse?
Falling for someone you can never have,
or falling for someone who you could have had?

I had never felt that before,
the feeling of complete euphoria.
I wasn't myself;
I wasn't in my own body.

2:30 AM and we snuck out,
went around the pond,
and the smoke poured into my lungs.

I was trembling,
a smile plastered across my face.
I laughed at every joke,
zoned out for a few seconds.

Eyes bloodshot,
pupils dilated.
Hungry as ****,
and happier than I've ever been.

I realized I was in love;
all I could think about was him.

I fell asleep,
best sleep of my life I might add.

I think I've found
a new escape.

I am too self-aware
for *******.

How did I
ever love
you?

Being hated for no apparent reason. (Which happens quite often I must add.)

Not reaching my goals in life.

Giving up.

People getting the wrong impression of me.

Never finding love.

Meeting my ***** donor,
or not meeting him.

Smoking until my lungs are dry.

Drinking until I die.

Guy never loving me.

Never seeing Rach again.

Hiding behind a mask for the rest of my life.

Loving the wrong person.

Never loving at all.

Rejection.

Public speaking.

Razors & open wounds.

Any death but my own.

I always choke on my words before I spit them out,
dragging out my sentences,
trying to make sense of what I have to say.

Maybe they don't even give a **** anyway.

At this point,
I have no idea what I'm saying.
My fingers are typing things that I never have time to think about.

Maybe it's not me who's crazy,
I can't be,
can I?

No,
I don't think I'm crazy.

But when I write,
something takes over me.
I suddenly have time to think.

Surely this doesn't just happen to me.
Others must feel the same.
Right?

Why,
I'm supposed to be happy.

I am though,
aren't I?

Is it just the pills?
Who the **** knows,
or really cares anyway.

My fingers are taking place of my head,
I honestly don't know what I'm rambling about.
But in reality,
who the **** cares?

i feel alive in your arms.

I hated myself for what happened to us.
I always blamed myself.
I reminded myself daily that I was the reason you're gone.

But I'm starting to question;
maybe it wasn't me after all.

I believe everything happens for a reason.
Maybe we weren't meant to be together any longer,
maybe it wasn't meant to be.

If there's a god out there they would know what's right.
They would've not torn us apart.

She did not complete me, (simply because I complete myself),
but she gave me an outlet.
She gave me a light on the other side.
I would look at the smile on her face and think, "all of this is worth it."

But she's gone.
She's smiling at another,
drowning herself in love.
I'm okay with that.
I'm happy for her.
She deserves to be happy.

But
I just need one answer.

Why wasn't she happy with me?

We will both take that
commitment
of the
picture engraved into
our skin.

A pain that we caused to
each other,
on our own terms.

A way that you
can't forget me,
and I can never forget you.

When I'm old and gray,
I will be reminded of the
days where I was 16,
vulnerable and
stupid.
But a mistake
that I will never regret.

You will be on me
for the rest of my life.
Forever.
And ever.

I have seen many eyes,
but have only made a home in yours.

I miss those late nights
where we would cuddle all night.
And I mostly just miss you,
**** I miss you.
I'm sad
and you're happy with another.

I'm trying to not forget you,
but I can't remember the things we talked about.
I can't recall what we watched or listened to on those late nights.
I don't remember how your hands felt through my hair,
and I don't remember what your skin felt like against mine.

All I remember is how you loved me,
how you often said it.
I never said it back.
Why?
    

I was afraid.
Afraid of what could happen to us,
afraid of my parents,
afraid of loving you.

I loved you.
I loved you with my everything.
I had another,
but I wanted you.

I craved you more than a druggie craved a needle poking into their arm.
I craved you more than a cutter craved their blade.

I remember thinking I couldn't kiss you.
        --I couldn't take advantage of you the way your step-brother did.
But, oh,
how I wanted to grab you and throw you up against the wall and share my breath with you.

Honestly,
I wanted your love.
I had it,
and you had mine.
        --You just didn't know it.

You will always have my heart.
I am no longer afraid.
I'm just a little bit late.

I'm moving on.
It's over.
We're done.

I'm giving you up.

Who knew that my hero would be
someone I never met?
How could it be I feel like I know him
even though I don't?
How could his being make such a huge impact on me,
and how was it that it was him that made me decide
not to end my life?
Why is it that I know he loves me
when he doesn't even know me?

Austin Carlile,
you are my hero.

The back of my eyelids can't seem to forget you.
I fell asleep that night,
drunk as can be.
I had a dream about you,
the way it use to be;
the way it should be.

When I woke up I ran to the bathroom and threw up last nights party.
I gagged and gagged and tried to get rid of the thought of you.
But it's not just something I can throw up.

It's not easy living without you.

When will it be over?
--the pain I mean.

Waking up without you in my bed,
that's probably the hardest part.
Not being able to smell your scent on my pillow.
Not being able to see your morning beauty.

What am I doing with myself?
--Living in the past.

Ya know,
I often yell at myself to wake up.

"Skylar wake up.
Skylar wake the **** up.
This isn't a ******* game.
She's gone and now it's just you and your thought.
Wakeup.Wakeup.Wakeup."

I don't wake up.
I sit there in my everyday mind set,
and I just can't rid the thought that I have to live without you.

It's been a year.
A year that we seperated.
I can't shake the truth.
One whole year.
Over 365 days without you.

I just want to snap and you be here beside me.
It's not that easy, I guess.
--I'm talking about loving someone.

You're irreplaceable.
No one,
no one in the ******* world could make up for what part you played in my life.
You helped me figure things out,
realize that I am loved.

I think I've realized that all I need in this world is your love.
--Well, I guess that means I don't have what I need.

I'm happy for you.
You're suppose to move on,
find another.
I know this is selfish,
but what about ME?

What am I saying?
It could never happen.
You're in a world I have no part in.
A world where the grass is green and the sun shines bright on your future.
--a future I'm not a part of.

It's not your fault, I know.

You met me at a wrong time in my life.
A time where the darkness was my only friend.
I was,
well I was ****** up.
I was sick.

Only if you would have met me a year later.
I'm brighter.
--especially in the daylight.

Maybe meeting me later would have made a difference.
Who knows?

Maybe it's for the best we're apart.
I wasn't healthy,
and you weren't either.
We were two negatives trying to make a positive.

Bottom line is:
I wish I was yours.

It's a blur.
All a blur.
You.
Me.
Us.
What happened?
I'm so messed up.
I can't breathe.
Why would you?
How could you?
Do I mean nothing?
Have I always meant nothing?
Why now?

I can't go back.

Will he be distant?
Is it going to be different?
How different will it be?
Will he not cuddle into my side?
Is he going to put his head on the opposite side of the bed?
Will he not let me hold him just like all the other days before?
Will I not feel his breath down my neck as he sleeps so soundly?
Will I not see his tired eyes as he wakes?
Will he no touch me as he use to?
Will I ever hear his heart beat again?

Is this the end?

Your smell stained my pillow again.
Your snores rang in my ears.
My head was buried in your chest.

And I've never felt so at peace in my life.

I've been thinking a lot about death lately.
What happens,
where you go.

I believe that we don't go to a magical place
with a mysterious creator.
We don't go to a place with fire everywhere
with a terrible ruler.

Where we go?
I don't know.

I realized that I will die,
that something will **** me.

I'm going to die.

It really sunk in and I just keep thinking
I'mgoingtodie.I'mgoingtodie.I'mgoingtodie.
I don't know when,
how,
or where the hell I'm going to go,
and it scares me.

I'm scared.

We used to be closer than this
We used to be closer than this
We used to get closer than this
Is it something you missed?

Winged or chained
I ask you would you have stayed
Did I hold you too tight?
Did I not let enough light in?

I am not actually happy,
it's just the pills.

Eyes that gleamed so bright,
and a voice deeper than the ocean.
Tall as a mountain,
strong as the wind.
Veiny hands
and a radient smile.

Oh, how I wish he was mine.

my skin stained
every memory of you
the pain of the moment
will last a life time
and remind me of a love
i can never forget

We fell in love that year.
Love spoke that night,
drunken at a bar.
First beer,
second,
third,
fourth,
fifth...I'd lost count.

You had a few,
one,
two,
three...I didn't really count.

Love had a voice of its own in a drunken state.
It told you I loved you.
Love doesn't lie when you're this wasted,
it merely tells the truth.

You grabbed my by the shoulders.
Kissed me,
and Love spoke again.
"I love you, too."

Surely,
Love spoke,
but deep down I know,
I was the one who really spoke.

I can still taste you
I can still hear your moans ringing in my ears
I can still feel your body heat in my side

I can hear the tone of your voice when you told me
"I don't care"

No matter how hard I try;
how hard I ******* try.

My father will never leave my life.

I was worried it would come back.
--the self hatred I mean.

Deep down I knew it would.

I don't know if it's a bad week,
or I'm going into that hole again.

I purged my soul out,
and I felt happy.

I had a dream I cut to my vein,
and I woke up content.

Now,
someone might get worried reading this,
don't.

It might just have been a horrible week,
but I guess we will soon find out.

Now that I'm happy
the silence doesn't bring twisted thoughts
and
pencil sharpeners are used for things other than just the blade
and
the pills are nothing more than a friend
and
food is for eating                               h
and now,                                     g
now there's beauty.            i
There's beauty up     h
and down     l
                              o
                                       w.
those bad times were for just a moment,
but now there's a lifetime of happiness.

I can't quite explain
how this happened
and why.
But I can't
stay away from your
touch,
smell,
love.
You couldn't stay
away from me.

I've been afraid
all my life.
I've waited for
you.
I never expected
someone like you.
I couldn't predict
you would mean this much
the day I first saw you.
You are my world.

Many wait a life time
for a person that would
fill the emptiness in
their heart.
Some die still waiting
for that stinging touch
from a special loved one.

I'm lucky.
You found me.

I don't know and
can't know what tomorrow,
next week,
next year,
next decade
will bring.

All I know is that
when I walk
into the Commons
of the center of my
school,
I swear I will weep in
your arms.

"I can't do this anymore.
I need you."

**** my parents and all they stand for.
**** my mom and the way she acts.
**** her for being who she truly is.
**** her for not being a real mother.
**** her.

**** my dad for who he is.
**** him for leaving.
**** him for choosing crack over me.
**** him for leaving scars on my arms.
**** him

I never thought I would forget that night that we
gazed at the stars on the trampoline.
I showed you where my favorite star,
Orion
and Mars
is in the night sky.
We laughed and laughed
because you could not see it.
It was cold,
but our body heat kept us warm...
or was it our body heat that kept us warm in the cold night?
Was it the love from our veins bursting through our skin?

Just for 72 hours
I want you gone.

I want to not feel my
legs,
and I don't want to feel my
heavy heart.

For just three
*******
days I want you gone.

I want you to be
dead to me.

The constant jealousy game
is getting old.

Me hanging out with people
you don't like me to
hang out with,
(especially boys).

You talking to
boys I do not
approve of,
and telling me about
every detail.

I'm sick of
all of this.

I'm asking,
just 72 hours,
I want you
*gone.

He apologized multiple times because
he was my first,
but
that's all I've ever wanted.

I have a wave of nostalgia over me.
I'm finally remembering.

When we first became friends. You walked into english class and sat right next to me.

The first time I slept at your house, and you convinced me to wear a dress, but I didn't know how to put it on. You helped me in with no problem.

And that time I spent the night at your house. We read in bed together, and fell asleep. I woke up really thirsty and went to your kitchen to get some water, and you walked in very confused. We both laughed and went back to bed.

All those nights I spent in your arms.

How I loved when you would write poems about me,
and how I waited for them.

I pretended to not like you, because liking Zoe was so much easier.

I remember thinking I couldn't kiss you, because I didn't want to treat you the way your step-brother did.

When you bought me the infinity ring (which I still wear) and the ring that says "I refuse to sink."

When my wrist was filled with ****** cuts, you pulled me into the bathroom and kissed them. I held back tears.

I'm remembering,
but you're forgetting.