I swayed in his arms
and I knew what true friendship
felt like.

you are a scar that never fades away.

I
regret
the
day
I
met

you.

"Literally I think your ******* possessed the devil is some scary **** I don't **** with that"

The thought of her is like a boomerang,
it always comes back.

She's been there since
the 4th grade.
The years where there were no scars
on my arm,
when our smiles shone through the stars,
where out friendship was new with years to come.

I don't know how it is
that I can love someone so much without actually being
in love with her.

She is my best friend.

She's always been there,
even when it was tough.
We worked things out,
it's a new start.

She showed me how to be happy,
how to cry because I'm the one who made the
hugest impact on her,
how to love someone unconditionally,
without having a relationship.

She is the sun that my lightens my day,
and the stars that lighten my night.

She is the intelligence that I feed off of
on those nights.

That day I told her I had harmed,
oh how she hated herself for not being there.
And I hated myself for the pain I had caused my better half.

That night that we opened and looked out my window,
let the cold breeze hit our faces.
Listened to music.
We did not speak a word.  

When she hates herself it pains me,
because she has no idea what she really is.
She is perfect to me.

She is my best friend,
a rare one at that.

I am convinced
I will never love
again.

Now that I know how it feels to be in a different mindset,
not think the way I normally would
and do and say what I'm usually afraid to say,
I never want to be sober again.

Being drunk makes me feel numb.
All my feelings finally go away,
and I can barely think.

I don't have the mindset to think
she said this
or
he did that.

I wish I could stay like that forever,
I'd never feel pain again.

I wonder if it is bothering you at all.

the rush came back.
it was the best ive felt in 3 years.
better than anything you could give me.

a promise was broken.
many promises were broken.
im broken.

but the rush was better than what i felt
the night we hooked up.
so much better.

youre scared.
you know what im capable of.
and that scares you.

you dont understand the rush.
the feeling of being human
after youve felt nothing for so long.

im sure the shadows watched.
they always do.

you wont find out.
im not going to tell you.
and things have changed, so you
wont see.
it all worked out in my best interest.

i will talk to you tomorrow
like nothing happened last night.
and you will be oblivious.
im **** good at wearing a mask,
and you just found that out.

you wont be able to tell what im
hiding behind that mask.
you havent encountered it enough.

youre more scared of losing me
than im scared of losing myself.

it's going to work out
it's going to work out
it's going to work out*

and nothing has hurt more.

I know I should hate you,
despise you,
loathe you.




…but I don't.
I love you and always will.
This is a good thing,
you blocking me and everything.

I can take a weight off my shoulders,
make it feel like I never knew you.

The burns from where you touched me are gone.
The scar you left on my heart has faded.
The impression that you left in my mind has vanished.

I've moved on and showed myself there's more to live for.
So, I think this is my last goodbye to you.
Not a proper one,
and probably one you will forget.
But as you said, we're on separate journeys,
and I guess it's time I live mine.

It's terrifying how one flick of the wrist,
with the razor in between fingers,
doesn't hurt one bit.
No sting,
no burn,
just relief.

I really hope people don't think that things I say
are a call for help.
I don't need help,
because I'm perfectly fine.
I have a damaged soul,
and I don't think I can repair it.
I think I'll be okay,
I just need some reassurance sometimes.
I'm sad,
and I don't know why.

You will stain my skin
with that memory
that I will never be able to forget.

A pain that will remind me of
you for the rest of my life.

And this is the only
way you actually
wanted to hurt me.

You sat there with a pistol in your hand.
The bullets were the words.
They were shot,
and you never checked to see if my wounds were okay.

Handcuffed and I thought of you
I made love and I thought of you
My Daddy died, I just thought of you
My Sister cried and my Mama too
I got a place and I thought of you
I tried to decorate and I thought of you
I'm seeing red but I'm singing blue
I never knew what black and white would bring you too

Do you remember when you liked me?"
Ha, yeah..
I still can't believe you did.
Yeah..it happens often.

that's a lie
i loved you
i loved you more than anything in this ****** world
it pains me, still, after 5 months
its gotten a whole lot easier being around you
but theres always this feeling, heavily holding my heart down
a feeling you will never find out

You okay? You haven't said anything in a few minutes.
*Yeah, I'm fine. Just got lost in thought.

She knows the feeling.
She knows what it's like to kiss razors.
Little red lines dance across her arm.
Her eyes dream of tomorrow.
I can tell how badly she wants the pain to wear away.
I can tell how scared she is.


Don't worry darling,
I can hear you scream.

I can never catch
a break.

It's a constant struggle of
words thrown like daggers
and others putting me down
like their least favorite book.

When will I ever be
good enough?

If god was real,
he would not be this cruel.

From the abuse of my mother
to the shrugging shoulders of my friends,
and a broken heart that will never be
repaired.

A daughter with no
mother
and no
father.

A friend with no
will
and no
way.

A burn on flesh
and the scars in between.

A love that no one else
will return.

A death wish
wished upon a shooting star.

Don't you see?
I'm begging for help.

No words were said,
but I knew.

I knew when you held my hand
as we walked through the crowd of people.

I knew when you layed your head
on my shoulder and swayed to the music.

I knew when I almost fell,
you sat me down and cooled me off.

I knew when she couldn't move,
you calmed me down.

If that's not love,
I don't know what is.

youre everywhere
your smell is clouding my room
stained into my pillows
youre in my favorite song
and our song especially
my skin burns where you touched me
i can still feel your arms around me
i can taste you in my mouth
i can feel your stare melting into my flesh
and your moans ringing in my ears

am i everywhere
what do you think
are you ok
how did you feel about it
did it feel good
would you do it again
were u trembling
was your heart beating faster than the speed of light
will you leave me
did i **** up
was it my fault
how bad did you want it
do you feel bad
were you using me
was it actual feelings
will it happen again
would you let it happen again

when did this happen

You hate me for all the wrong reasons.
You don't even know the real story.
You're a puppet on a string,
and you can't think.

Just listen to me when I say this:
you've got the wrong information.
I didn't cause any harm.
I wasn't the source of the poems.
She found them on her own.
I do take the fault for the one poem that was about her,
but that was the only one.

Keep believing the lies that you have been told.
It's not a big deal.
I don't have to prove myself to you,
or make you believe me.

This is just a bump in the road for me,
losing you and all.

I won't be visiting your high school this year,
or years to come.
The last time you saw me is the last you'll ever see of me again.

I'm on a journey that I wish you could be apart of,
but things don't always work out that way.
I'm trying to find peace and happiness,
but that cannot be acheived just yet.

So this is a second goodbye.
I hope you get your facts straight,
realize I'm not as horrible as you think I am.
I'm the same me.

How clichè,
the rain
falling down on the grass we were sitting in.
You leaned in,
as did I.
"Can I kiss you?"
That one question lead to one peck.
My first kiss,
her's too.

In the bed,
we cuddled and held hands,
that's when your lips once again met mine.

Oh,
how I can get use to the feel of your
soft lips on mine.
I could do it for a lifetime.

I tell myself on a daily basis that I love myself,
how I look.

I've started to hate myself as the days go on.
My hair.
My eyes.
My cheeks.
My eyebrows.
My flawed skin.
My big hips.
My huge thighs.
My fat stomach.

I keep telling myself,
"you're gorgeous!!"

I can't do it.
I hate myself.

I'm ugly as can be.
Pictures show it.

My face is too oily,
my lips are too dry.

When will I become pretty?
I fear it to be never.

The hatred is back,
and I'm hating it.

and when i saw him
he didnt know
of the burn
in my flesh.

Oh,
how you walked by me,
gave me that smile,
held my hand.

You made me choke on my words,
you made me forget how to breath.
I couldn't swallow.

And when you kissed me,
I swear I floated in midair.
And that night you cuddled into the curves of my back,
I smiled.

Nothing quite makes sense when you're by my side,
you ******* alive.

Day by day you remind me how to
breathe,
swallow,
and forget.

And for that,
you are mine.

Generations from now,
I will be a pile of bones,
a name that use to be,
a mind that use to think,
a mouth that use to speak.
I will be a story that people will think was a personality.
I will be a poet that no one speaks of,
a song that no one sings,
a picture that will burn.

I will be nothing but bones and a memory.

I simply cannot speak to you.
Maybe it's not so simple, actually.
It's the thought of your smell.
I'm trying not to recall your smile.
I might have to ****** myself so I don't ponder over those things.
Your voice.
Your eyes.
My thoughts are cramped,
killing me by the second.
Tick, tock.
Tick, tock.
Soon I'll be dead.

you're not capable of being in love with me,
but as long as you love me,
i'm okay.

He left his heart in my chest,
and that is the only thing I have left.

And what if you did love me?
What would you think about those random texts
where I simply say, I love you?
Or when I hug you for a few minutes?
Or when I say I would date you?

It's funny because I always say,
"I'm just playing around"
or
"I don't love you like that."

Do you ever know that I'm kidding when I say those things?

Maybe you know there's truth to my words,
and you just don't say anything.

What if you did love me though?
What if your words meant exactly what I say?

What if you loved me?

It was normal
My head on your chest
and your arms clutching mine
your smell staining my pillows and
how you lay so close to me

It was normal
You touching me
in ways I loved so much
me touching you in ways
that made u groan

It was normal

It's not normal that we
hold each other so close
and your breath on my neck
you sleeping in ny arms
and your head buried in my neck

It's not normal
that your other friends think you're
prudish and unlike you for me to be that close
and that you are nothing like how you are
with them around me

It's not normal
that you are the single person I feel
most comfortable with in this world
and you are the first person that has made me
feel so alive

It's not normal,
it never was normal,
but it's so right.

Too many things are happening
for it to be a coincidence.

Would it be too much to ask for
if I asked just to drop dead?
Would it be selfish for me to say
"I don't want to live anymore?"
Would it be bad if I took a knife to my
throat and ended it all?
Would anyone even be sad
at all?

im a galaxy
and youre
a million
miles
away

what everyone doesn't know is that
I've been doing this on purpose.

I remember that day i wept into your arms.
im not sure why i did,
but i cried and cried.
i think it was because i wanted to **** myself.

a reason why i didn't go through with it is because i didn't want to have to live in a world without you.
well, i have to now.
i live in a separate wold than you,
and that was one of my biggest fears,
and now i have to face it.

I've found a home
in a new pair of
eyes.

i got caught
trying to rid
the thought of
you.

The date has become nothing,
and I don't know if that's a good or bad thing

What was going on in your head in that moment?

They'll be lucky
if I don't **** myself
after the month is over.

It must feel like
heaven in your arms.