Sometimes
I feel really small
Like I'm an ant walking among bears
As if I don't have a voice or matter at all
Sometimes
I feel ugly
Because there's always someone better next to me
There's always something else in somebody else

Ugh...

And sometimes
Sometimes I want to disappear
Never look back
Never come back
Like I'm a boat with no anchor
Ready to sail the world
But somehow I forgot where the ocean begins
And ended up walking alone
Through this empty road leading to nowhere

And I am lost again...

Oh baby...
I know I'm no good.
You don't need to tell me.
You don't need to show me.
I know there's a part of me that will always want you
and another one that will always repel you.
That's why we can't figure this out;
you'll storm out and I'll drown in tears and alcohol.

Maybe tomorrow morning the sun will shine for you
but you can always find me in the darkness.

Why can't I have a decent night without the thought of you lingering in my head like a ******* mosquito buzzing in my ear and somehow I can't shake off the feeling you're never going to leave because somehow you always find your way back no matter how far I go or how mad I get you always get to have me back chained like a ******* slave and it's not fair because I deserve a decent night sleep without you enslaving my head and making me toss and turn until dawn.
And then the light comes in and all the demonic thoughts of you disappear for a while and I just think of how useless that is because I know somehow you'll get in my head again like a headache that only leaves for a few hours and then comes back and haunts you in your darkest moments.

maybe it is true
maybe I'm too young to feel so blue
it's this foolish need of feeling something so real
it won't make me doubt my existence
this need to feel the skin upon my bones
to know that I'm here

but it's so futile at the same time
this need to feel present being only satisfied by another one
why can't I feel it by myself?

one day I'll wake up and say "I'm here"
and I'll mean it

one day

"Saudade" the heart whispers in low tones
but I decide to ignore it
"Saudade" the heart cries
but I wipe its tears with numbness
"Saudade!" the heart screams in agony
and only then do I see
how deep the heart feels
that everlasting pain I decide to ignore
that unique portuguese word that describes perfectly
how everytime I ignore those threatening sad thoughts
they linger somewhere else