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 Oct 2015 Sinai
Austin Heath
"Smothering me,
setting me free.

I was three steps from heaven.

A voice told me to drown
in feathers and darkness,
let myself down, down, down...
six feet in
I was swept into the space I kept my demons.
I was conflicted. I was embraced.
I was home."

That's all I had too.
Shouting in my head across the kitchen table,
and everyone understands in their own way;
We just need to talk and be heard.
I need to speak and be affirmed.

I just wanted to say something to let you know
I'm still here.
I'm still alive.
I'm still human.
 Aug 2015 Sinai
moss
Full Moon
 Aug 2015 Sinai
moss
she felt a connection with the moon
because it was like her in so many ways

it too illuminated the darkness
but was merely a reflection

it too was surrounded by emptiness
but was not completely alone

it too was full of craters and crevices
but still remained full
 Jun 2015 Sinai
Redshift
it's so amazing how easily i can determine
that i was not insane for a year and a half
now that you no longer block out the sun.

yeah, maybe i still can't look at your face
because i am so afraid to see you and have you trick me back into sympathy and compassion.

me, the girl who loved a ******.

maybe jesus taught me too well to love those that persecute me
he made me to fall in love with the man who grabbed me by the wrists and held me down.
would my father
would my pastor
would anyone
honor me for the sacrificial love i displayed for a year and a half
holding him
giving myself to him
loving him
would they pat me on the back
and say that i truly understand the love of god
letting a man ravage my life
for a year
and a
half

i don't even know the months anymore.
i've stopped counting
because i've stopped torturing myself
because i no longer can say
"here is the day he took it away from me
and here i am, still letting him over and over again."
the months past do not matter now.

i will start counting for a different reason:

1 month since i told him enough is ******* enough
2 months since i cut my arms open, writing my sins in my flesh
3 months since i decided that jesus was wrong
that loving my enemies will **** me
make my insides rot
that not loving this enemy
is simply
self preservation
4 months since i got my voice back.
5 months since i started to feel a heart beating in my chest again instead of a hollow socket
6 months since i laid in bed my head and tongue bursting with hate at the mere thought of his hands rough against me, mouth against my ear
7 months since i stopped lying to everyone around me about what really happened that first night
8 months since my body revolted as my mind toiled on in utter confusion, darting from one frightened thought to the next
9 months since i had to worry about carrying a child that he conceived alone
10 months since i beat my head against a cement wall, trying to smash the memories
of what he did to me
11 months since i hugged his mother and met his family wanting to tell them they had a ****** predator for a son
1 YEAR SINCE I LET A BOY CONSUME THE ESSENCE AND JOY AND PURITY OF WHO I AM AND WHAT I WISH I COULD BOLDLY STAND FOR.

i will count the future months
on the gritty pockmarked sidewalk to recovery
until i find again my way
to a sound mind
a sound body
and a sound heart
victimize me no longer,
you who removed from me my innocence
and hung it around my neck
like an albatross that i shot
and not you...

to love again, will be an awfully big adventure.
it's not at all perfect or really as well done as it could be but i don't really care. i'm proud of myself.
 Jun 2015 Sinai
Megan Grace
Rehab
 Jun 2015 Sinai
Megan Grace
fifty-two sundays later and i
do not consider myself to be
someone who is healing but
someone who is recovered. it
still stings at the very bottom
of my lungs sometimes but i
no longer hate the areas of
my skin that you've touched.
i do not feel the fire of your
promises in my arms and i
can just barely recall your
laugh. did you ever think i
could have made it this far?
Goodbye, Ryan.
 May 2015 Sinai
Emma Pickwick
22
 May 2015 Sinai
Emma Pickwick
22
It was May and I was drunk,
The rain pouring heavily from the heavens,
And the birthday balloons that once hung around the tent were now all gone,
The early morning hours setting in.

I sat under the porch light for a few moments letting a man I had only met a few hours before light my cigarette and tell me about religion until I drifted into a lawn chair and let the skies drench me.

He was saying something about me looking like Lana Del Rey,
And finding his way out of a five year prison sentence,
How we can be both good and bad at the same time, but urge to be bad is sometimes hard to control.

And he was right, so I listened.


"You should come back over here, you're going to get sick sitting out there that soaking wet."
"Am I really that wet?"

I didn't even notice.

He grabbed my hands and held them tightly for a few moments before kissing my mouth.
Still holding me tightly, he swung us back into the rain,
Dancing slow and soft,
Like I imagined at a 1950's prom.

To the rain on the wood porch,
To the rhythm of soft shared breaths.

But dancing turns into desire,
No matter how sweet it is.
I was ****** against the side of the house and kissed deeply,
And I was happy.

He took off his shirt,
Which was followed by mine,
And broke my favorite bra in a fit of passion,
Until we were both naked in the rain,
Laughing.

He took moments to tell me how beautiful I was,
How intelligently I spoke,
How rare I was,

All while the others slept.

I think I fell in love with that one a little bit.
 May 2015 Sinai
Megan Grace
i slipped so comfortably
into your world. god, i
would have let you drown
me if you had needed
my breath for yourself.
 May 2015 Sinai
PK Wakefield
"Because nobody really loves anyone.

       We love the idea of the person.

                        The actual person

                                  just gets

                                     in the

                                       wa

                                        y

                                          ."
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