You told me to draw you,
so I painted your body in crimson & gold.

You told me to write you in scribe,
so I wrote you a sonnet, fourteen lines across your back.

You told me to leave a mark on you never forgotten,
so I tattooed your soul with tebori ink.

You told me to taste your scent,
so I walked down the lane, collected tobacco, & smoked a cigarette from your favourite apothecary.

You told me to find the name for the aroma that lingered when you left the room,
so I closed my eyes whilst sat beside you, & inhaled you like the cigarette I tasted on the way home.

You told me to image you naked, like Rose being drawn by Jack aboard the Titanic,
so I turned away, took a seat in the Cumberland leather chair, placed charcoal between finger & thumb, sketching an image of your silhouette in black dust ash, a memory that found me from when you slept beside me last night.

You told me to pick a flower that I gave to you the first time I whispered;
"I love you,"
so I wandered amidst the clouds & air of mountains far & wide, until I found the flower I so remembered.

In remembrance, I knew to pick such a tender delicate stem, petals so fragile they would melt in my grasp, the flower would cease to be what I loved,
for, I love you.

You are the rose in all its abstract glory,
you my dearest are no possession.

If I were to misunderstand such beauty, you would simply fade to exist,
so I sat down beside you, a painted memory,
shed a tear,
knowing this memory of you
would suffice.

© Sia Jane

I may read a line, a lyric,
A quote, or a poet.
I may lose myself in,
A thunderstorm, or whirlwind,
Of life, of love.
I may believe, the biggest lie,
in history as she sings;
It's not you, it's me.
Yet she never stops, breaks,
Halts or surrenders.
Her cast is removed, her
Mask replaced.
New city, new state, it's all
In just one day.
New self, new soul, never told
Was she, how lost she'd always be.
I cried by her side, she sang me,
Lullabies of love, life, hope.
She witnessed a new break of dawn,
As she sat beside me.
She whispered; dare to step,
Outside in the air, picture it for me.
As 6am broke, my camera rattled,
She watched the sun rise, with me.
Days grew longer, nights shorter,
By me,
she stood.
My heart beats, I'm alive.
My heart aches, for she,
Stands by me,
Not beside,
But within,
Me.
I pray,
I live,
Within
Her,
Too.

© Sia Jane

An open road, one lone walker
A black clear sky, Orion's Belt
Alnitak, Alnilam and Mintaka
Viewed in the early night sky
Constellations scattered
A full moon sits high
The eye is distracted by
The light
The road so bare
Not a soul to be seen
Guided by thoughts
Alone
Turning a corner onto
The narrow back track
Homeward bound, no end
To this, journey that started
With just one step
Into the abyss, a distant
Wanderer, who'd always
Be lost.

© Sia Jane

Save her once
save her twice
what value do we ever
put on a life

Skip a beat
miss a heart
she always knows the way
to resuscitate me

Her face a
picture of caress
it holds me close to
those havens safe

Her touch is
lightening deep in
my soul that craves her
living open soul

It crashes through
the empty pain
numb I come alive in
a force unmistaken

Don't leave me
the broken girl
for she promises to live
as long as
you
       love
               her

Empty hearted
numb and dumb
save me one last time
fight is all she can promise

Set me free
from the monster
under my bed
that keeps the voices
company in my head

Needy and desperate
crying to you silently
free me
free me
set
      me
             free

She doesn't need saving,
she is strong enough
but she loves like no other
can't fight that feeling
of needing
the love
of
another.

© Sia Jane

My head feels like Oxford Circle, maybe even Times Square
it is noisy and bright and flashing and frustrating
everyone is walking over each other's bodies
horns are beeping as lights flash and men shout
a child screams a woman swears an Asian man calls me into his shop
artists singers shoppers never slow down
it is exactly like I am screaming but no one can hear
they cannot hear a single thing
and as I type here, probably sixty or more words a minute
my head still races and yet words fail me
there is no word in the entire world
in any dictionary (including the newly stated Urban Dictionary)
to describe what is occurring within me
and that is only my head
as for my heart
it pounds so loud that I can barely fathom
what those around me are saying
match it with the noise in my head
and those close to me wonder why there is
such a blank stare with such busyness in my eyes
rapid eye movements trying to keep up
I wobble and stumble and I can see the voices
they move so slowly around me and it is like
the air and words form and morph
it is like smoke in the air
'o''s being shaped rehearsed and practiced
snapped out by a waving in front of me
all goes numb
the ring has been pulled from the grenade
I can see all the blood spilling out on the floor
I can taste it running down my head
all brain matter splatters in slowed motion
to the floor and I scream in fear
in absolute terror of what is happening
like a bullet hitting my head
silent voices are a shouting a name I once knew
they are not in panic they just want to be heard
they don't seem to concern themselves with the blood
the mess that has fallen out
passing out hitting the slate floor
out cold
resting in a peaceful slumber
my mind is at rest
at least I believe it to be as no thought exists
I hope to never wake.

© Sia Jane

---

I felt a Funeral, in my Brain,
And Mourners to and fro
Kept treading - treading - till it seemed
That Sense was breaking through -

"And when they all were seated,
A Service, like a Drum -
Kept beating - beating - till I thought
My mind was going numb -"

Emily Dickinson

I haven't written
My inspiration squandered
Without her, my only muse
Words escape me
As my mind will only
Be occupied by her presence
And a war in my mind dominates
The place she once held
So beautifully, so gracefully
For all those months
And now she seems lost
Or more, I am forgotten
Light to dark, I am left
Saying goodbye has never seemed
So high and dry
I'm trying hard not to assume
And yet again, this war in
My mind occupies
Me even in the days of
Endless distraction
I'm ******* crazy
The city buzzes, crowds shuffle
Past me, in a dazed state
I look up, hearing her voice
I escape, I wander, I ride
Territory so familiar
I don't want to lose her
My muse, my love, my
Life source that keeps my heart
Beating, making me crazy
I love her
Three words of such
Worth
I feel abandoned carrying only
My heart, raw and exposed
Until it eventually fades
Knocking me out and
Forcing me
To start
Anew
But even concuss and
Bleeding, she's all
I desire.
Love please let me go
Unless she too
Wants me.

© Sia Jane

"A love like that was a serious illness, an illness from which you never entirely recover."

Charles Bukowski

It hurts
my heart
Aching for
her
What will
never be.

How do I tell
anyone
The secrets I
hold
Within
me.

Butterflies
form in
The pit
of
My
stomach.

Her smile
is my
Smile
her happiness
My
happiness.

I'm lost in a
mind field
One of love,
lust
Coupled with
anxiety, fear.

I'm trying to
let go
I'm
trying
To move
away.

It hurts
my heart
Aching for
her
What will
never be.

© Sia Jane

“To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves.”
―Federico García Lorca, Blood Wedding and Yerma

Close your eyes, lock the doors,
close your mind, a prison bolt
slam it shut.

Monsters are knocking, haste
harassment, starved,
armies full, of them.

Flood, flushing, drowning
me out, a rat in a gutter
ignoring its snare.

Snarling, wishing to feast, my
blood they so crave, vampires
blood suckers of dusk.

Passing the dis-ease, my
executions pass, the dis-ease
of this very age.

Blood is dripping, empty
carcass stripped bare, feed
from all there is of me.

On the inside, still locked away
my soul was taken, nightly theft
you have all of me, ****** harm.

My soul sits, waiting, as you pass
by my street,
my family clones, embraced at home.

Drink me up, make it quick,
**** me dry,
dear Carmen please don't cry.

It's all an alibi, one that sings,
as a lullaby,
a secret way out.

Passages behind closed, library
doors, caging me, in this
locked out house.

Bourbon and *****, forced,
oozing through, pores
seeping.

Alcohol weeps, tears,
skin cuts, red weapons,
a tyranny of pain.

Veins bleed, from single malt,
monsters watching me, cough
it all up.

Throwing a loop, I allow
them to jump,
through open shoots.

Private nights, protect me
from what I seek,
so desperately, a leak in the system.

A breach in oath, suicide presides,
my life starts to be,
brushed aside.

You made me this way, and I ask
why continue to stay,
you continue to make me pay.

My lover, my friend, my life,
it's nothing more,
than endless strife.

For you,
              for you
                           for you.

                                            I'd do almost anything.

© Sia Jane

Orion's Belt, graced the sky as
I gazed; words cannot compare
To the wonder that a moonlit sky
Offered me that night.

My heart was a led weight.
I began to drift into
A space as vast as this
Celestial constellation
Above me in the sky.

The heaviness of heart left
An emptiness.
But there was something about
Those stars
They spoke to me in
Silent whispers, gentle caress
A love I needed.
A night I wished could marry me.

I wanted enveloping with love
And I searched,
Continents and oceans,
Lands and skies...

You never wanted me,
You wanted the idea of me
The shining diamond so comparable
To the night.

You saw what could be.
And I allowed you to dim
Then so subtly steal
Light I'd filled myself with
Since a child.

© Sia Jane

i call you my dangerous liaison
for fear of how far
you may bring me to my knees
begging on another star
for strength, love, hope & faith
yet i cling to you
my absent lover
my lost addiction
friend & foe
i am in love with you*

© Sia Jane

I am typing out her love, her life, her worries, her fears.
(As I move, across the board, typing. I hear her.)
Her clouds have formed. Covering. Smothering.
(Her breath feels weak.)

To strengthen is to break, to weaken is to fall.
(Skies are grey & mist surrounds.)
The curtains, open. No light. Butterflies glisten.
(A ray of light appears across the horizon.)

It calls to her. She cannot hear. It pushes against her skin.
(Insistent, for her to hear. Words account for little.)
Voices lost and heard. Spaces form. I see her.
(I wish I could feel her close to me again.)

I sense a distance which cannot be articulated.
(When nothing feels wrong, and yet things don’t feel right.)
In my mind I embrace her. Hold her. Her heart pulsates.
(In threes. I remember. I count.)

One.
               Two.
                                Three.

Over.

One.
  ­             Two.
                               Three.

The repetition is soothing.
Calming.
Surrounding embrace.
I remember.

Yes, I remember.

© Sia Jane

Her head is bowed
her mind is a mess
drowning in information
still starved for
knowledge

Netted bow wrapped
around her hair
piled curls sitting
gripped and held
pinned

Her jumper slides
shoulder exposed where
numbers mark a
shared tattoo of
love

A walking travesty
lips trained to
part to allow
a smile at
everything

Dance to a
beat her presence
my retreat for
lyrical soothing I'm
lost

She touches each
passing of air
that swims around
my body exposed
imagine

Sitting with me
she smiles graciously
my head turns
blushing falling for
her

Captured I've come
undone again where
love is blind
scaring me to
hell

I realise again
those lyrics once
heard,
that even the sun
sets in paradise.

© Sia Jane

Be my constellation
faerie dreams
come true
you will be
my magic
your one true love
fantasy guides you
to me
          to me
                    to me
a star will
never shine
with a broken heart
light this midnight
sky together
we will fill
until love is there
to over spill
from our hearts
blessed are those
so few.*
I love you

© Sia Jane

crash crash a body
thrown blown
seas of pure bliss,
waves kiss
a paradoxical clash.

flash flash a memory
enduring clawing
a defaced rock edge.

connected intimacy
a yellow gold band
pure silk wedding gown.

he said; ****, Vera ****
no less, for you
my deepest dearest.

devoted hopelessly
to under layers of lace,
a bustier; inches drawn in
perfect dolly pin.

oh you my dear of rekindled love
remember
you always drop the o
from love.

your heart
a pounding pulse of repulse.

ripped stripped
gutter slutter
mutter flutter.

he whispered; Kiera

dissipating skies
vanish vanish a crystal
promise; a drop in the ocean.

two lovers gone.

© Sia Jane

Perish, perish, as all men shall
Who swing away, falling prey
A glass, a glass, shall it suffice
Who'll pay, the ultimate price
Of a feared, oh feared device
Addiction, control
Apathy, restraint
Fill me, fill me, straight to the brim
Whisper those lies, sweet lullaby
Secrets spell, promises, promises
Feed me a fable, tales, tales
Feed me forgiveness, let it go, go, go
Disallow my sorrow, empty
Comfortably numb

Dumb
Dumb
Dumb

That old rule of thumb.

© Sia Jane