you want me to write poetry that doesn't twist a heart
to write poems of love and the beauty that exists within it
you want me to write like I used to and explore the depth of love I feel
to write poems about how beautiful it is to fall in love and to lose oneself
you want me to write and write and never stop writing because it is my savior
to write the poems you so love to read and the ones that made you feel so special
you want me to keep smiling and loving and being happy
to write poems of my joy and happiness and the life that makes me feel so alive
you want me to be a person I no longer feel I can be and who is sad more than happy
to write poems that are joyful and graced and not laced with deceit and rejection
you want me to not feel sorry for the awful guilt I bestow on you for not feeling this way
to write poems of only the amazing bliss that true love graces us with
you want me to be me and yet being me means I love you and to love you is pain
to write poems which don't contain the pain my heart feels and will never heal
you want me to carry on regardless not holding back moving forward loved
to write poems of a new love of one I may have met or may not have met
you want me to let go when all I do is cry
to write poems that are cathartic
you want me to not hurt
but can you not see
all this does
is hurt me

and what hurts me more is that you want me to write poems
that don't contain hurt and pain because
love is beautiful
and I agree
it truly is

but this is pain
and it hurts me more
knowing you don't
ever
want me to hurt
not ever.

I am simply
stuck
         in
             love
with you.


© Sia Jane

It’s a Spring Tide drowning me
It’s a Full Moon, the sun and gravity
Pulling on the water of the ocean
I’ve been cast out in
Through denying my truth.
I cannot know if the flooding
Covering all of me
Will be as predictable as such a tide
Twice each Lunar month
No season negates the pull.
The rise and fall of the oceans levels
Feel more visible in me
Than any sea on earth.        

© Sia Jane

Learning the art of absent love
she absorbs herself with a
perspective only to be seen through
the glasses of rose tinted sunlit skies

Planting seeds of love
she lays amidst meadow fields
staring at pastel palettes

Drifting motions as, her hand lifts
her finger tracing clouds
as painting upon a clear canvas
where her art knows no boundaries

Singing herself lullabies
her soul fed by stardust
her eyes wavering, flickering
& finally closing, into a dreamscape
of mysterious lucidity

Her longing eased, escapism from
a skipping heartbeat bleeding for attachment,
awaiting the blooming of flowers
which follow a winter of freezing hearts
now pining to thaw.

© Sia Jane

I bite my top lip
close my eyes
& trust my memories
to remember your smell
biting my bottom lip, I yearn
to capture your taste.
I hear myself giggle
& exhale loudly...
"What have you done
      to me."
Inside my head is spinning
&, this
          this is what you do!
My whole world is opened
I saw the debris
   before I saw you
& that's how I knew
that only once in my life
will ever a storm
  that destroys
so much within
       & around me
be the storm landing
that throws my world
  before picking up
   every broken piece of me
& sculpting me into
   a woman without walls.

© Sia Jane

Tonight I’m playing snakes and ladders with my pleas.
My forefingers massage the temples on my forehead.
My eyes are shut tight; even the moon is too bright.
I’m bowing my head to the stars to hide the shame
covering my skin. Each shooting star highlighting
the scars you left on me. I’m begging the night please
let me go. I’m rubbing my eyes. I’m picking mascara
off my eyelashes. I’m pleading with my heart please
stop loving her. My hands move around my neck,
they’re choking me. It stops my heart. It stops my
heart beating for just a few moments. I gasp!
And then, it’s the grasping and grappling of my
finger tips digging into my collar bones.
I’m tightening my grip. I’m holding; I’m holding
so tight, I’m bruising my skin, and my finger nails
are piercing my skin. Now, I’m clawing.
There’s nothing left in me. Even my shoulders cave
in; my collar bones rungs on the ladder. My
grip loosens and I drop to my chest bones,
letting my feet rest on my ribs.
Tonight I am playing snakes and ladders with my pleas.
If I fall any further down the snake of my spine, my
only hope is gripping the vertebrae and climbing back up.


© Sia Jane

To keep an untold story
within this very soul
heart breaking pain
cracking through ribs
                                    ribs
                  ­                       ribs

At once such lovely bones
which crumble
                         crumble
                                       crumble

Second chance a delicacy
placing those candles
petrol fuel to a fire raging
                                          raging
        ­                                             raging

When I write love
there is a reason
the four letter words
become only three
                               three
                                        three

A four letter word
a heart replacing
an empty o
                      o
                          o

Hold­ing the letter
my heart not yours
you don't release
this fear
              fear
                     fear

I say I miss you
you say you
miss me
               me
                    me

Vulnerable fragile
bones break
                    break
                              br­eak

Resist temptation
only peace is
my love
               love
                       love.

© Sia Jane

Bare feet standing backwards on doctors scales,
the weighing game; I can't make head or tails,
of how I'm here; dragged from my mother's car
Earlier at the charity bazaar;
I slipped & fell on the church floor, & now,
that's just a mere bagatelle anyhow.
Tonight, I just wanted to escape fast
I truly believed this was in my past,
but the Devil & God fight all the time
all that comforts me is a nursery rhyme.

And so, I sang: All around the pink spire
boys chased girls & ran until one did tire
girls & boys in boxes, the key secures
a bolted lock. True love always endures.                                   © Sia Jane

Tomorrow night, you’ll sleep walk into your lover’s dreams.
You’ll open the gate to hell, where you’ll find the poor ******
souls of a lost generation. Their lust, recklessness & drunkenness
will come as no shock to you. You’ll find your people trashed;
***** bottles smashed & abandoned, intoxicated girls balanced
on their Jeffrey Campbell Litas floating through social groups.
Boys, barely men, will be seen beaten down to the bare bones
of their existence, cigarette blunts piercing their open chests;
stinging & burning, red & yellow ash sparking flames on
the black lingerie of their lover’s.  

Tomorrow night, you’ll wish you were not sleep walking into
your lover’s dreams. In the days you spend there, you will not
find the lover you know. You’ll find a lover who is invaded
by body snatches; emphatically dominating every white cell.
You’ll find a lover, cast away with the ghosts of his past.
You’ll bear witness to pendulums of excessive desires
swinging to & fro – where time stands still, & not even
the ticking of a clock can be found, to count the days til
the grave he will fly.

© Sia Jane

Your love again,
                         caught me off guard
An invasion of,
                         the very same body
snatches,
that once again
emphatically dominated every
white cell.

Defences beaten,
                           down to
                                        the bare bones.

A hospital room
                          for broken hearts reserved.

Time stands still,
                           not even
the ticking of a clock
to count the days
til the grave I will fly.

A tombstone engraved -
She never would learn


© Sia Jane

She's that star, not like the others
the one that's a diamond, the one
that always shines the brightest
the Northern star, forcing its
presence on the world it looks
upon.

Black and white, shades of grey
moods alter and change, wolves of
the night, shape shifters of the
underworld, another passer by
of this unholy night where she
 retreats.

Daylight illuminates, all around
her, eyes flicker adjusting to the
light, lifting her naked body she hears
her name called out, voices under
the bed, that reside inside her
head.

She grasps tightly, the throw she has
covered herself in, steps over to the
window, as the cameras flash like
shooting stars, but this isn't a beautiful
night sky, these are vultures feeding on
her.

Disgruntled, she bows her head and
walks away, towards the bathroom
glancing in the mirror, make up still
worn, a tear drop smudged, and eyes
like a panda, green hazel blurred
reflection.

Another day dawned, another dollar
earned, another call to her phone
as Autumn falls to Winter, another
tour winds down, liberating her voice
sending her heart back home to those
loved.

Home holds her heart, family ties so
fixed, friends as family, water as thick as
blood, her values are what make her
that keep her tied to the ground, where
balloons could easily lift her into the
sky.

A fear of the unknown, who am I
without, the fans and the mayhem
endless travels and flights, jet lag and
a schedule so full, a zombie in sight, letting go
won't come easy, but there is so much more she can
be.

Time is a healer, her solitude her
retreat, the glow of the night sky
from her loft house balcony
the hum of the traffic, the smoke
of a blunt lipstick stained, there's just
her.

© Sia Jane

I hear you in the silence of another lunar cycle
       your predatory stare scares me to death
  the intimacy we share writes like
the history of a "Divine One"
    the Michelangelo of modern times
you promised me healing as you
           studied me intently
  eyes filled
a storm drain overflowing with rain
  your gaze no longer reflected
        in the glass
   you are now stood by

  at just thirteen you held my soul
  on rose pillows of chiffon fabric
you were more than just the oxygen I breathed
    you were the beauty I saw in
    every dark haunting thought
my mother told me that my
    primal wishes were the most childish
  fantasies she had ever heard
a pure example of human interaction
                 I yet again
       misunderstood.

© Sia Jane

You were restless
it’s the nights the world
made you nervous-
where stars have exploded
within you
but now fade out-
it’s these nights which
agitated you the most.

You start running circles
around the moon
chasing light years
trying to get to tomorrow
ahead of schedule
contained and prepared for
the unknown terrifying
you so much.

“Put fairy lights around
your neck, and lets go
outside," I declare,
"and pretend you’re a star
so I can chase you
around the garden,
until you fill yourself
with fearless light
reminding you
where one star burns out
another one shines.”

Your eyes shimmer
in the moonlight
they pay allegiance
to the night.

“See that there,” I point.

"A thousand stars..."

I smile; "A thousand stars...
It’s the promise you
made to the Universe,”

“To never burn out,” you say

I smile, “Yes! To never burn out.”                                

© Sia Jane

not here, here, here

-eyes closed-

a bath rub filled with bubbles
shaped like balloons rising in the air
her heart cut open, she can’t preclude
the secret nature of her love

and, he loved her, he loved her
he watched her every ballet she danced
a butterfly moving on tiptoes
tripping the light en pointe with
painted pale lips, winged eyeliner
silk Lacroix corset and feathered tutu

performing Swan Lake
at the Palais Garnier
the promised faery tale ballets
graceful movements to Tchaikovskys’s
compositions, telling the story of Odette
drowning in the lake falling to her fate

-KNOCK-

not here, here, here

-eyes open-

his voice; Laurier
her soul; punctured by her lover
a locked bathroom door
she kisses away her melancholy madness

not here, here, here*

© Sia Jane

Life growing inside her
a kick
a scream
monsters crawling
below the skin
a satanic life
consuming her
inner world
no life would be
bore
from this girl
a life form of its
own
took the place of
a baby miracle of
life
a stab in the dark
a twisted knife
one to the heart
one to the back
cleansing came from
blood oozing out
let's attack this
monster
that lives inside
her body and
mind
years have past
the hurt still remains
each blow a
re-traumatisation
a memory
of times gone by
the same repetitive
story
what shame is carried
below the surface
oh dear monsters
how do you ever
liberate
her
before she takes
a final bow
goodnight
god bless

© Sia Jane

-

"I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed
Get along with the voices inside of my head
You're trying to save me, stop holding your breath
And you think I'm crazy, yeah, you think I'm crazy.."

Eminem feat Rihanna "The Monster"

Maybe I never knew...*

Maybe I always took
                                 this view,
Of a world, how
                         how would I know,
Cracks appear, others,
                                   my own, sewn,
Dominate, suffocate,
                                 love, leave
It's all the same, it's pain,
                                         no continuum, no extremes,
Balancing scales, frails,
                                      trails,
Gravel, grovel, sitting,
                                   I write
Type, my rope, squanders,
                                          wanders, images of
The same girl, oh,
                             she came undone,
A mere child of her time,
                                       now grown,
Yet still, she's sown,
                                she's allowed the stitches,
That choke, joked, laughed,
                                            misled, a dread,
On her knees, plead,
                                 taking her hand,
That promised land, trust, must,
                                                   trust,
Lust, lovers, dust,
                             kicked in her face,
And so they grabbed, pulled,
                                               lulled her to,
The very floor, of the gravel,
                                            you spat,
From engines & tires,
                                  you rushed from me,
Caged,
But this time baby, you did,
                                            you did hold the key,
I'm locked & chained,
                                  breathing in,
The last of air, until back,
                                        sacked,
Trapped within, not the,
                                      confines of mind,
Not that, you took that,
                                     from me,
You see, out of grasp,
                                   you sit, gloat,
Pray & float,
God bless you,
                                            who me?
**** thee.

© Sia Jane

Under my bed, hid
a tendered angel,
who had
broken wings,
and she was,
terrified to move
for all she knew
was to
fly.

She sat,
knees wrapped,
to her
chest, crystal tears,
dropping to
her pastel pink
woven
and embroidery
dress.

She looked,
glancing at me
saying she
swam,
in the pools
of her own
tears,
and that she
lost strength.

Her endeavours to
swim further,
were stinted,
she was forced
to be,
parsimonious
and so,
she closed her eyes
letting go.

When she woke,
she found herself,
in darkness, only
the moon lit,
her darkened
space,
phrenic activity
haunting her
mind.

As delicately as,
my body
allowed,
I lay flat down,
so not to scare, her
reaching out,
I collect broken glass,
shattered wings,
bleeding from her.

(The angel was called Rebelle Fleur, she allowed me to ever so carefully, take her from under the bed, and to hold her, with grace and elegance, she lifted her tiny frame, and stood, without her wings, and ever so softly whispered her name, asking me to help fix her wings, so she could once again fly and be free)

© Sia Jane

My heads this mess
that only craves your caress
a year has passed
since I sang you a lullaby
to send you softly
off to sleep
wrapped safely around me
no mistake

I focus on the good
forgetting the bad
watching a movie about
Elizabeth and Richard
that tells me maybe all love
is as turbulent as theirs was
one that ultimately
killed them both

And maybe that's love
maybe it is a volcano
and a tornado
crossing paths
setting fire to coals
we walk on
just to be able
to make that embrace

The shouting and screaming
the passion and pain
the long nights spent
curled up in ***** crying
in separate rooms only
wanting to be with
one another and yet
too stubborn to let go

Telling me silent lies
whispering to me tales
that it would all be fine
that the words you spoke
were empty and null
in the moment
not real or meant
to make me burn

The burning was always
so slow, like a fire fading
the heat calming
and as time passed
it never burnt as deep
no antibiotic needed
to heal the depth of
wound you scarred me with

Part of me loved
the passion and screaming
the cussing and smashing
of glasses
that fell in slow motion
to the slate on the floor
as it shattered
like my heart

We stabbed each other
more than once
it was endless
it was insane and crazy
it was nonsensical
and yet, after all this time
perhaps
perhaps
it was just
how true love is meant to be.

Maybe we were meant to be.

© Sia Jane

The denouncement of
                                         human history
Men bartering dollar bills
                                                waging a money war.
How those business men flee
                                                     bank notes blown to smithereens
Battling dusts of torment
                                              acceptance of surrender.
Sparks burning a hollow nest
                              in the shadows a fallen angel
Cinders & ashes
                               a maleficent phoenix rises.
Diabolical legacies of past
                                                armoured; bow & arrow
Punctured wounded broken heart
                                                               wings disallow flight.
Stumbling a splintered hip
                                                  reborn a chance
Freedom, autonomy, independence
                                                                  of personal desires.
La Cuesta Encantada she
                                              falls at the gates
The Enchanted Hill
                                     San Simeon seeking redemption.
Death awaits her
                                Santa María Maggiore

Of Roman baroque temples
                                                   small cascading waterfalls
Her body released
                                  eternal rest.
She floats without dissension
                                                      The Neptune pool
She begins to sink
                                 in grace
                                                 in all her glory.


release release release


Hearst Castle entombing
                                               body, soul, memories
The peace which passeth understanding.


Absolution.

    
   © Sia Jane

roses & ivy,
                       grow,
                            s
                               w
                             i          l
                                 r

s.h.i.f.t & CLAW

back bone, bare bones, counting verteb
                                                          ­      r
                                                         ­       a
                                                        ­        e
                                        a  s
spineless,­ no moral c     p
                                  o  m

          North
West­              East
         South

never fond of waking up,
(bare feet, touching cold slate)

cluttered hearts surrender,
(wrists cutting, a fine lullaby)

holding pearls hands closed,
(sea urchins inhabit, a narrow soul)

painted roses en pointe(d) toes,
(thousands of galaxies, offer a million wishes)

tea lights will, guide her home,
and back to, a place she,
is yet, to know.

Life surrenders that,
soul mates,
never,
        DIE.

© Sia Jane

This feels just like
Another cliché  because
You're the girl
I wanna sit under
The stars with
On a dark cold night
On the roof of my car
Cashmere blankets covering
Naked bodies
Wrapped inside one another
Conceiving constellations
Fingers pointing as
Patterns are shaped within
The sky above us

You're the girl I wanna hold
So tight that I'll always believe
I'll never lose you
That the vastness of your beauty
Of your warmth and persuasion
Never absconds
Leaving me searching through
Oceans and land
Just to taste the water of
Your love
The purity
How tranquil it leaves me
Like a baby lulled to sleep

I call you Mary Jane
You leave me high and I begin
To believe I am at one with
Those stars we are naming above
Because if I am a star above
And you are named as one too
We will never lose one another
That is why I want to sit
With you
On the roof top of my car
Out in the abyss of my surroundings
And stare above and sing a lullaby
Of my love
And count those stars until
Calmed and soothed we fall
Into the slumber of love
Only a cloud can carry
And awake anew to the rising
Of the sun
The intensity of the passion
Imploding within our bodies
A fiery sky of red and yellows
Until all that is visible is blue
Lighting a blank canvas of fields
Where we begin to sketch out
Our love
Yet again.

© Sia Jane
---

"I think that I could be fine
If I could be Mary Jane Holland tonight
I think we'd have a good time
If you'd meet me and Mary Jane in Holland tonight."

Lady Gaga