forced joy bleeds me numb
and disturbed reflexive expressions make me wonder
if I have the right to paint my corner grey
its not my fault we all take up some sort of space
and you're not strong enough to avoid my swirling vortex
so don't look at me like I spat in your strawberry parfait
when I left mine to melt 'cause of my sedentary ways
leave my presence if I'm not happy enough for you
I'm not begging for your toxic help- and I'm not always this way
just this section of the planet's revolution
leaves sand in my gears and grinds a paste lightning could strike to glass
so leave me be- forced joy bleeds me numb
and I have the right to process my own demise

I've seen it for years
the red ribbons
fluttering and snapping to wrap around me
tighten me to a cocoon
I cannot breathe
fever dream encasing me so extreme
sweat broken and ridges remain in my skin
I've felt it since I was thirteen
the red ribbons
tightly threaded to my body
holding me down in a limbo of safe and caution
bitter pitted cherries smudged on my lips
tingles that chase down my spine and frozen limbs
discomfort is home and I don't go out much
and when sickness strikes me I know the red ribbons will follow

I miss the way it felt-- never
my present is my best present
and my gifts are years overdue
so sick of the life I was always told what to do-
never for myself- always for the sake of other's moods
I never knew- how tormented I was
until I cut the rope from around my neck
swam back up from the ocean's depths
the weight of their expectations sinking
yet there's phantom hands shoving me under
before I can catch my breath
the sun's never been within my sight

butterflies ***** out the mouth- ascend into the atmos'
smooth soft supple skin teased beneath a tongue
color emotions in the hues found in the night sky
gripping jiggly flesh- spill out until you're spent
all that's felt should be thrown out- that's how you've dealt
devour women one after the other- crush any flicker of feeling
caterpillars line your gut and acid dissolves any cocoon
lies spill past your lips like oil from a busted ocean rig
arms envelop and lightly sway- tickle her ears till crystallized
swear she's to blame when- you flowered a monarch of expectations

but will you like me
prolly not

my looks tend not to make up for my existence

I dance in rooms on fire
forget to extinguish all the flames I set ablaze

that is- if memory is a pair of glasses
foresight is 20/20
and I'm legally blind to the rules of society
can see the shapes but they make no rhyme
why bother when its not a crime

I'll tell you I'm not fine when you ask me
I'll change the subject if discussing weather is not what we should discuss

my heart lines my throat when I think about
the fact that I turn off people when I open my mouth

Im a 180 from my appearance to my personality

don't like me for my looks alone
they're not set in stone
my character though- seems all want to chip away

capture my soul within a wavering grasp
a cracked egg through a grate
slipped out of frame
im a forest war and you're blind with a grenade
im not as simple as my appearance seems
truth is covered up simply
so simply its dismissed- expunged

tell me all the ways to stay awake
I'm sleeping on sunlight
the moon ignites synapses to charge
don't know a dream from reality
I'm counting every single last seam
no one is real since these walls keep turning
cocoon my thoughts away- I'll steal them back
drown my sorrows in the melatonin
all it does is buzz and hiss at this pink machine
insomia's a blessing when nightmares attack
waking daydreams in shuddered hisses
go back into the time sleep was a need
not a vain want wrapped in disease

I cried oceans as a child
and scream rivers now as I look back
labeled lazy for hanging on
when I was holding on tight enough to bleed
crimson fingertips hidden behind smiles
laughter and just trying to live for others' sake

wanna jump off a cliff and fight the elder gods

descend into hell- where else do I belong
I've never been able to graft myself into this time

everything falls apart- born so far from the yams

vanquished foes rise once more- my reality

I'm all too numb to the threat of my reality
wake up disgruntled and turn over to sleep
madness awaits me- I dream it so often

knife extended to the heavens who've forsaken me once more

I just want someone to hold my hand
Im not requesting that you hold me up
Im not asking you to wipe away my tears
I just want you to let me cry it out with you near
I often would rather be alone
because if I like you- I'll like you too much
your absence would send me off the edge
don't start nothing with me if you're prepared to dissappear
with little to no discussion before
Im too fragile and my heart is on my sleeve
I hate layers cuz they overwhelm me
so simple things move my heart
I have high walls but the walls are thin
delicacy might as well be my middle name
guess that could be another definition of faith

Im just scared and tired
Im just getting tired
all the walls build towers
I plummet below sea level
and revel in my misery
every step isn't far enough
all my options are bleek

sometimes I think
if I can't have it all then
let me go back
but back so far nothing can hurt
right off the plane of existence

once more- the chemicals in my brain- have dilapidated my sane

I've coughed up enough phlegm in my life to fill oceans
pale blood-less skin lies below my melanin
the tantalizing desire- to rip limb from limb
anyone who questions the spare shreds of my power
has a strong grip on me- and holds me stagnant
through the tsunamis of emotions that
threaten to subdue me to that of submission
the cold manner I've been treated with has scarred my skin
all the poisons I've swallowed has made me venomous

its 4am- and I can't sleep
to be honest- nothing feels real
my brain's erasing my serotonin
I'm drowning in chemical imbalances
don't even want to reach out
where do I reach out
at this hour- in this crisis- how can I
get my life back
I want to be held
by someone who wants me
yet who ******* wants me
I don't want me
just hold me close- till I can't breathe

thousand eyes
thousand nights
deliver me to the realm
tasting of ambrosia
slick honey thick and full
running down my brown thighs
I'll drown in your disguise
gulping at the very me
legs curling around your skull
hands tugging at your roots
******* you in for more
breathy moans swallowed
large palms gripping at my flesh
neglected you snapping at air
delirium coating your veins
living for my satisfaction
humming at every ****
fingers entered and coiling
thickly coated in my sweetness
pressing for deliverance
desperately coaxing me to the edge
upon my heavenly release
my unraveling unwinds you
with shuddering breathes
and slick glossed lips

brain buzzing- burning
the lines of daylight and nighttime
she comes for me no matter when
this pain that carves my gut

open my mouth- they stare- mouth shuts

it's not a big deal- dont make a fuss

fingernails gripping under my chin- stay hushed

pallid brown skin and hazy coal eyes
carrying on the lie "I'm alright; I'm fine"
sleep, my nemesis-lover, crossing the line
skin sweltering- scalding
at night beneath sheets too cold
whatever this condition has it out for me

open my mouth- they glare- mouth shuts

"you are not lazy. you are just sad."

it's a thing called depression
it crushes you down
squeezes at your throat so tightly
you're on the brink
only you can tip the scale
off the ledge
salvation is a hoax

this bitter temperamental thing
it deteriorates the brain
happiness bleached from memories
weaving into your form
gripping into the gaps of your flesh
holding you captive- capturing you
and gently lapping the life out of you

Nothings coming out right
It all feels like sludge
Slippery **** like sludge
That pools under cotton socks
See- that- that was descriptive
That's what I was missing
Still most all words are frantic
Jumbled incomprehensible feats

One of these days
One of these years
I won't have to pour my pain onto this screen
And maybe one day I won't feel so alone

bubble up and dissolve
I bubble up and dissolve within myself
all the time- day after day
thin membrane stretched taut
only billowing breath holding me up
growing and climbing up
with a *****

I'm snapped back in
collapsing within myself once more
soap solution never strengthening enough
to hold me up to solidify my existence

everyone has dreams while I just wish to sleep

I dream of fair resources
Of a fair chance for all
Where the biggest issues humanity faces
Are not created by humans at the top
Where there are no billionaires
Smothering the 99% rest of us
With greed, money, and zeal

I dream of green hills rolling
Of wind, air, and water power fueling us
Where we prosper with the government's best interest being in
Us
Not their vain agendas
Poison Native, Black, and Latino neighborhoods
Where they lock up Black youth
Strip us of power, resources, and wealth
Wealth we lost being enslaved for centuries
Power they accumulated by being vicious monsters
Resources they take to this day from lands never their own

I dream of justice
I dream of a day where I can stand and not witness someone be blatantly misgendered
Someone being denied living their best life because they aren't all if not mostly a
White
Male
Straight
Cis
Upperclass
Able-bodied
Able-minded
Straight sized
U.S. citizen
Etc. to all privileges

I dream so hard of freedom
Not to be bigots' excuses for oppression any longer
I dream of tomorrow being so beautifully filled to the brim with opportunity for all
Yet I know
This is a dream because
This country
This world
Is a ******* nightmare

I stand and no one is still with me
All moving ahead- bumping into me

I speak and no one listens
All moving in and out the other ear

No one retains me

They let me bleed from their palms

Never do they grasp me
Never do they hold me close
Never do they enjoy me

I wish I could slip into a comatose

Rise when I am stronger

When others words don't wind me
Others looks don't slice me

When I find the balance
Between empathy for me and apathy for others

Because I often ignore my needs for all others wants
And I'm not used to being labeled selfish for taking care of me

Yet no one would dare do the care or do the same for me

I don't know what to do to feel better
I do what I want - that's not good for me
I do what I need to - most of it saddens me
I'm just chilling but that seems unfavorable
It's never been the world that makes me care
But it's one person's malice existence that fuels me with anger towards any opposition I face from them
They're relaxed but my anxiety makes me wonder if it will stay this way

I find myself floundering and drowning
In a country not made for me
I find myself clinging to fantasies
Where I **** over the very systems
That have binded me from birth
Until I remember
I was never meant to flourish
In a society created and maintained by
Them
And that they would and will
Never
Allow me to prosper as they all have

The idea of someone loving you till you love yourself is hilarious

Do guys really see a broken soul
And wish to mend her together again

That's so funny its sick
That's all these songs whine about
Yet it's not ******* true

Who's gonna hold me when I slip
Not a **** soul
Where do I go when I wanna die

My own **** bed
Psychiatric wondering where my other half is
I wonder too

Cause literally what the **** did I do
To deserve my loneliness

I just want a hug
I just want to be held on these cold winter nights
But no

What the **** did I do to deserve this
I'm sick of being strung along

Just a body not a soul

Know my soul throw it away
Ghost me til my phones starts its decay

my anxiety flares like the sun
drip drop down my spine
parasomnia grips me tight
reminds me nothing will ever be right

bad girl music blaring through my head
but it's sad girl hours- day- weeks
I'm not having a good time
I smile for moments when with others
yet have no urge to smile when alone

I'm not having a good time
I think this is all pointless
Why is it all so awful
The good cannot outlast the bad
The good is found dead in a ditch
I dont want to go on
If that means death so be it
Can I just go now
Please
Not much has happened bad and yet
I dont want to do this
Why do I have to live
Its ridiculous
I didn't ask to be born
I don't want it anymore
Call my lazy- call me selfish
Call me ungrateful
I'll take it
But
Those words cannot cushion nor heal
How uninvolved I wish to be with being

If you don't ever wanna see me again
Just tell me
If you don't wanna ever hold me again
Just tell me
If you don't wanna ever be there when everything's going to hell
Just tell me

Whenever the beginning starts
It all gets ****** up

Sadness bellowing out from my soul
I'm left in the cold

If its another's doing- I have no clue
Everyone walks in twos

First meetings go unhinged
Burrowing into my heart

I notice when they all leave

tears slipping from shut satin lids
curled up body exposed to the cold
deflation pumping slowed veins
it hurts so much- to know he
never felt the same
I sit and I remember those days
days I allowed myself to feel
I was naive- I was spontaneous
I somehow tripped into a pond
that was two inches deep
yet I drowned in first love
and choked as it killed me

I get my feelings hurt almost everyday
Everyday- a minuscule trait is extracted and projectile vomited into my face
Melting into my brain- no one wants me, okay

I thought you you and you would prove me wrong
Yet here I am- bets placed- winning the losing game
Its such a shame- that I'm to blame
For even imagining their words to bear fruit
Shriveled trees adorn my lawns- roots nestled into my core
How many more- corpsed trunks will I need
To painstakingly gouge from my soul
Tears cemented into the blades that dig deeper
How much more decay will I be dealt with upon jaded horizons
Lottery rigged for all who maintain their lawns
Before I lose- before I'm wrong of how vile men truly are

I wanna fall apart into pretty pieces
Scattered in your palm
Blown in your face and shoved down your throat
Choke on my glitter because I'm not okay Because of you
I wanna waltz in 4-lane traffic with you
Twirl and extend me into the path of an oncoming semi
Bite your finger off and stir my drinks with it
I wanna fall apart because I know you'll leave me in pieces

It's the midnight depression
chilling and stifling
stale in taste and pale in sight
lofty air clutching at your throat
legs swimming in hot sheets
electric static ringing your ears
spit hard to swallow
mind buzzing with vengeance

How do I get over something that never happened
But manifested from within a beautiful thought that snowballed me to death
Its lonely here- without even a tangible memory
It was never real- I made it all a fairytale
It dissolved when you brought me back to reality
Disillusioned and mistaken- I still rock back n' forth two years later
All I've been battered with surmounts into colossal tons
Weighs me down as I try to get over
Get over something that was only real to me
Was only real to me
It was too pretty to throw away so now I carry the curse
And I sit beneath the moon making the same mistakes

For as cold as I am
I crave heat

I saw it all with lightning fast details
It struck my heart and made it start
I suddenly learned to breath
You held me close and snapped my neck
Day after day I wept
I knew so little of your kind
I should have stayed in line
But I want to hold you face and give you the world
Even if I lose my own
The the day you left me I bled out in the street
I didn't know till too late- why did I try to rush fate
Or is god so cruel that I will never have you
And that's all Ive wanted all this time

It's hard.
Everything is so difficult.
I feel myself bending for others.
Yet not good enough because I didn't break myself for them.
I am all too much for others.
They ***** me out of their systems and purge their life of me.
As I try once more to enter their life.
I'm a passing dust speck to most.
A fly to others.
Swipe me away on another crushing day.
No one is wanted by me as much as he who I am hunting after.
He exists for fragments.
Melts away in the wind.
Slips from my grasp because of all I am is what I lack.